


Save Me from Myself

by alittlebitlove



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, Depression, Drug Use, M/M, Minor Violence, Panic Attack, Paranoia, Self-Harm, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-30
Updated: 2013-04-05
Packaged: 2017-11-23 00:14:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 17
Words: 50,420
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/615942
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alittlebitlove/pseuds/alittlebitlove
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Harry Styles is a former worldwide known popstar whose fame dropped nearly two years ago. Now, he’s a drug-addict, he self-harms and lives his life in shitty apartment. He’s just a step away from reaching the bottom and his friends – the only two friends he still has – are utterly worried about him.</p><p>Louis Tomlinson is a new hot stuff. He’s on top of the charts and girls all over the world are going crazy about him. He’s also one of few people that still remember Harry Styles for who he was and his talent. One night, Zayn and Niall meet Louis at the bar and, somehow, their subject becomes Harry. And that’s how they made a plan – they’ll hire Louis to fix Harry. No matter how ‘cause Louis knows very well what Harry’s going through. He just might be his saviour.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Erm yeah. I blame my stupid brain and my stupid imagination for this. I just got this idea and I had to write it down. Also, I can’t actually stop writing and yeah… so I decided to post it and that’s kinda it. I hope you like it and, if you do, feedback would be appreciated. :) xx.

 

“Wait. You’re saying you want _me_ to fix _Harry Styles?_ ” Louis Tomlinson asked in disbelief. He talked with these two guys for only a half an hour and they were really that brave to ask him for such a big favour? He won’t lie. He was a fan of Harry Styles for the longest time – all the way till Harry didn’t get into the dark place and couldn’t sing anymore. It passed nearly two years since his last album, but Louis was still listening to him and his amazing voice from time to time. Even though Louis was this new hot stuff now, he really thought Harry was so much better than him.

 

 

“Well, yeah. I mean, you know how it is and I literally feel like you know him. And, Harry needs someone like you in his life. Us two are useless right now and he won’t listen to the word we say. He reached his bottom, Louis. And I’m afraid that he won’t be here with us after few months, or even weeks from now, and I don’t want him to die. He won’t hear a word about psychiatrist or rehab or anything similar. He destroyed himself. You could really help. We’ll even pay you if you want.” Zayn, Louis was sure that was guy’s name, said with such concern in his voice and Louis could feel the undeniable fear there. And Louis was a good guy. He always obliged to whatever someone asked him to do, but this was about Harry Styles. Problematic Harry Styles that needed saving, but might never get one. The one that wasn’t coming out of the shitty apartment for months now and the one whom drugs were like breathing. What could Louis really do? He was just a popstar. He was nobody. Well, not somebody who could solve a problem that was Harry Styles, anyways. He was sure of it. He wasn’t the one for a job. Sure, he tried drugs, he passed through depression and he did stupid things and then got back to his feet, but could he really do something? He didn’t know the person Harry Styles was. He was probably a douchebag and he will probably throw things and him and such (but that was only the suggestion). Could he really go through it? Did he _want_ to go through it? It was a commitment, he knew that much, and if he accepted it, he’d have to reschedule few concerts and put his writing and recording on the side just to help Harry Styles. Did he really want that?

 

 

“I… I don’t know. I mean, I got things to do. I’m not free, you know. And I really just… I don’t know how I can help him really. Most likely, I won’t change anything even if I try.” He sighed. He had options. He could easily decline the offer, get back to his life and… and let Harry Styles die. Or he could accept it and leave all his problems aside, and try to get Harry Styles back on his feet. He really didn’t expect this to happen when he decided to go to the bar this evening. He really didn’t. Zayn and Niall were pleading him with their eyes and they pulled their best puppy dog faces and, yeah, Louis definitely decided.

 

 

“Okay, okay, I’ll do it. _But_ I don’t want any money. I’m doing this because I care and I don’t want him to die, got it?” Boys’ faces lit up immediately and they nodded urgently. Louis sighed deeply and took a long sip of his drink.

 

Those will be long, long and devastating days.

 


	2. Problem(s)

Louis woke up that particular morning with a thumbing headache and sun shining too brightly through the thin window curtains. He groaned and turned to the other side, his back turned away from the beaming light. The fact that it was _that_ morning didn’t hit him immediately. It actually took him good ten minutes. It wasn’t really that surprising. His brain didn’t work the best on early mornings, especially if he fell asleep drunk the night before. But when his mind finally wrapped around the fact that it was his first day he’dspend with Harry Styles – in Harry’s apartment – he jumped from the lying position followed by a girly yelp. He tried to calm himself down because it really wasn’t a time for him to freak out. It wasn’t a big deal, right? He was just going to try to fix Harry Styles. He wasn’t under the pressure _at all._ He only had Harry’s life in his hands. Nothing he should be terrified of. Really.

 

Before Louis knew what he was doing, he got out of the bed and tried to stand on his shaky legs. He talked with his management and record company five days ago and it took him hours and hours of assuring to, well, assure them that he needed a slower schedule – that he needed a bit of space. Of course he couldn’t tell them the real truth. It would cause too much questions even he didn’t have an answer to and they probably wouldn’t let him have an easier schedule just so he could help some ruined, former superstar. So Louis just said he needed more time for his personal life and that he’ll still do concerts here and there and he’ll definitely do some writing, but just on a lower level than before. After a lot of pointless arguments and fights, they finally agreed. They’ve given him a month (with three concerts around London) and Louis just hoped that that time will be enough to bring Harry Styles back. It _had_ to be.

 

He put on a plain, while T-shirt and dark skinny jeans. He didn’t bother with a mess that was his hair that much. Usually he would spend hours styling it just the way he wanted it to be, but now he just took his beanie and hid the horrendousness with it. He put on his trademark TOMS, took the phone and keys from his car and apartment in his hands,and then finally he was out of the apartment. He locked the door and got out on the warm, morning air. It was surprising that it was so warm when it was mostly raining and such, but Louis wasn’t complaining. He got into his Mustang with phone opened on text he got from Zayn, telling him the address. Luckily, he knew where he needed to go (he lived in London for years so something had to come out of it). His hands were shaking from the nerves and, well, excitement, he guessed. But he was well aware of the fact that Harry wasn’t the person he thought he would be before. He would be something completely different and Louis hated just the thought of it. But he’d be there to help, just like he promised – and he kept his promises.

 

It took him twenty minutes to come to that part of the city. It wasn’t the nicest one. The buildings were old and worn out, there were homeless people at every corner and Louis was honestly afraid to even park there. So he left his car a few blokes away at one parking lot and walked the rest of the way. He kept his head low and hands in the pockets of his chinos, praying that nobody would recognize him. Luckily, he made the way towards the old building without being bombarded by the fans. Zayn and Niall were waiting for him at the entrance, looking just as frantic as he felt. But he could guess it was for the whole other reasons. The relief settled on both of their faces when they saw Louis. Niall was the first to jump from the stairs that they were sitting on, and hug Louis tightly.

 

“Thank goodness you’re here!” He exclaimed as he let go off Louis. Louis was a bit shocked with reaction of the Irish lad, but he was pleased nonetheless. Zayn, on the other side, just shook his hand and nodded slightly. He looked tired and frustrated and Louis could see that he was on the edge. Louis didn’t judge him because, well, he probably had a good reason to look the way he did. Harry Styles was probably a bigger problem than Louis thought he was. What did he get himself into?

 

“He’s drugged up with coke now. He’s smoking and he won’t listen to anyone. He just keeps shouting… Good luck, mate.” Zayn said and turned towards the entrance again. Louis didn’t have time to process all the information he just got because he was dragged inside the building before he could blink. Harry’s apartment was on the first floor, so they didn’t need to walk much. They didn’t talk though. It was pointless, really. Finally, when they were in front of the right door, Zayn gave him one last look and then opened them. To say that apartment was in a shit state was an understatement. It was a complete mess and also, Louis’ vision was blurred by the dim of cigarettes, it smelled of alcohol and of something Louis couldn’t quite recognize. All in all, it was disgusting. Zayn took a step inside till Niall stayed safe in hallway. “Harry… we brought you someone.” The words sounded wrong in Louis’ ears, but really, what else could Zayn say? Slowly, he stepped into a messy apartment and looked around it. First thing he noticed was definitely Harry. The boy (even though he was far from one, but he definitely looked like one with the curly hair on the top of his head and his back facing Louis) had a cigarette safely tucked in one hand and beer in another one. He was lying on a couch with a TV turned on but Louis doubted he was watching it. Just on the cue, Harry’s head turned around and Louis was met with wide, dark eyes. They widened even more and he jumped off the couch, but lost his balance almost immediately. Before Louis even knew what he was doing, he ran towards Harry and grabbed him by his wrists before he could hit the table. The beer rolled out of his hand though, and now was resting on the floor along with the other junk. Louis carefully took a cigarette from Harry’s hand before he could protest and put it in the ashtray. He lifted Harry slowly, until he was standing somehow steadily on his feet, but he kept holding his wrists. Harry was a bit taller than him, but not too much. Though Louis was stronger than him. Harry was pale and all ribs and bones. Louis was tanned and toned and he could defend himself from Harry’s punches or attacks. He knew it’d come to that. Harry was watching him deathly in the eyes, but Louis didn’t flinch. In fact, he returned the gaze and squeezed his wrists even tighter.

 

“Who are you?” Harry spat in his face, but Louis only took a step forward, getting into his face. He could see he was under the drug influence. His pupils were blown and his nostrils were spread and he looked like he wasn’t quite _there._ Louis really didn’t know where his confidence came from but he didn’t really care.

 

“I’m Louis Tomlinson. And I’m here to fix you.” He said in death-serious tone but, just like he expected, Harry started laughing uncontrollably, his head thrown back and a hand slightly covering his mouth (he somehow succeeded in getting it away from Louis’ grip). Then, Louis did something he thought he will never do. He slapped Harry across his face. He just slapped Harry Styles – and he didn’t feel sorry at all. Harry stopped laughing immediately, a shock taking over his features. He looked at Louis with his mouth slightly opened in disbelief.

 

“What did you just do?” He asked sharply and Louis just smirked.

 

“Oh, you didn’t catch it? Want me to repeat it?” To be quite honest, Louis even surprised himself. Words were floating through his lips without really trying to think through them and it seemed to work because they caught, once again, Harry by surprise. Yes, Louis was proud of himself. Harry’s jaw tightened and it looked like he wanted to punch Louis. _Well, he probably did_ , Louis thought. He glared at him for what seemed like minutes, but then he took a step back, Louis’ hand still holding his wrist. Finally, Harry looked at Zayn. Louis couldn’t see their expressions, but he could only imagine.

 

“Why the fuck would you bring him here? I don’t need help! I don’t need someone to _fix_ me. I’m fucking fine! Don’t you see it?” His eyes were wild. He had this crazed look on his face and Louis felt scared for the first time today and it wasn’t really a pleasant feeling – or something he would want to feel every day. Still, he tried to hold Harry down, so he held him tighter than before, but it wasn’t really working anymore. Zayn appeared by Louis’ side then with calm and collected expression on his face – too calm, if you asked Louis. He put a hand on Harry’s shoulder, but Harry only shook it away.

 

“Yes, you need help, Harry. You can’t go on like this and seeing as Louis knows what you’re going through, he can help you. But only if you let him. Please Harry, please accept it. Louis decided to help you, even though he has a busy schedule and…”

 

“…and I appreciate you and your music and I really think this is not you. I just want to bring the real Harry Styles back. Is that so bad?” Louis continued where Zayn had left off. He was pleading now and he was feeling weak for the first time today. Harry’s eyes locked with his own again and then he just stared at him with blank expression. Louis returned the gaze, searching Harry’s eyes for something, anything. But after few seconds, Louis didn’t get what he wanted. Instead of giving in and accepting the help, Harry snorted, took his hand away from Louis’ grip and took a step back.

 

“You’re all so fucking sick!” Harry shouted and then stormed off into that one room that existed in a small flat and shut the door loudly. His action sent shivers down Louis’ spine. He bit his lip and looked down at his TOMS. An assuring hand appeared on his shoulder. He really, really didn’t expect this nor did he know what he was getting himself into. He should’ve left Harry Styles alone. He should’ve never accepted the offer. But he was too good of a person, so here he was.

 

“You okay there, mate?” Niall asked behind him, squeezing his shoulder loosely. “I’m sorry for this, but he’s always like that. That’s why we called you. We need you. Please Louis, don’t give up now. I saw what you did there and you’re the only one who can stop him and get through that brain of his. Just… stay. We need you. _He_ needs you, even if it doesn’t seem like that right now.” Louis took a deep breath and looked into the blue eyes and small smile and really, Louis would be a coward if he quit just now. After all, it was exactly what Harry wanted and Louis wouldn’t give him that satisfaction. No. He was here to stay. so he nodded and smiled.

 

“’Course I’ll stay. I’m not a quitter. Especially not now because Harry wants me to do exactly that. I’ll fix him, believe me.” Zayn and Niall were taken aback by his words. Obviously, they didn’t expect him to stay but, to be honest, Louis didn’t expect that from himself either. But, even though Harry Styles was, well, a prick and didn’t want Louis in his life at all, there was just something about him that was drawing Louis in and no, that wasn’t the thing he could explain. Even he wasn’t sure what was going on in his head. He wasn’t thinking when he was around Harry and it was a good and a bad thing at the same time. He could fight him back, he was stronger than him and he definitely could save him. Louis Tomlinson was sure of it. He’d be Harry’s saviour. No matter how hard that was to achieve.

 

“Thank you. You have no idea how much it means to us.” Zayn said and hugged him. Louis smiled and hugged him back. He liked making people happy, especially the ones who really needed help. It was just one of many reasons why he was helping. It felt good and, even if it meant coping with stranded popstar, he’ll do it. That was just the way he was. Zayn let go of him and looked him straight in the eyes. “I know this place is horrible, so if you want, we could rent a better place in nicer part of the city. It’s not a problem, really.”

 

Louis just shook his head. “No, no. You won’t rent another place. If you really want, he can come live with me. I mean, if you get him out of this place and all. If not, I’ll just move in here.” He shrugged nonchalantly till Zayn and Niall gaped at him.

 

“You’re serious? You would live here? This place is disgusting!” Zayn said in disbelief, but Louis just laughed. There really wasn’t anything funny in that statement (because it was disgusting), but the pure disbelief in Zayn’s voice made Louis laugh. They really thought he was going to just leave Harry for every little stupid thing. They didn’t know him at all. But still, they have only met recently, so it wasn’t that weird.

 

“This flat actually wouldn’t look this bad if it was cleaned. Don’t worry, I’ll be perfectly fine.” And that was it. There he was – helping a broken boy, man. He, Louis Tomlinson, a pop singer was helping a drug-addict Harry Styles. Even though he believed in himself and believed he knew what he had to do, there was still that amount of doubt and that Harry will stay the same. But one thing was for sure – he’d definitely try. He didn’t want someone to die if he had a chance of saving. And, no matter how much Harry didn’t want him here. No matter how much Harry had said he was fine. Louis will try. No matter the fact that Harry despised him. He was that kind of a person and he wouldn’t stop being like that just now. Harry needed to be fixed and, if Harry gave him a chance, Louis would try to do exactly that.

 

Louis Tomlinson had a task. And he’d do everything in his power to fulfil it.


	3. Hating

“ _Jesus fucking Christ!_ ” Louis swore as he stumbled across the pile of clothes and god knows what else. The apartment wasn’t anything cleaner than the last time Louis was there. In fact, it might’ve been even dirtier. Louis let out an annoyed huff and left the suitcase he had brought with himself in the corner of a small living room. Harry wasn’t anywhere near Louis’ sight and Louis didn’t know if he should feel relieved or worried. But the thought that Harry must be in his bedroom set into Louis’ mind so he decided to leave it for a little bit longer. He bit his lip as he looked around the apartment. He didn’t really pay much of the attention on everything the last time (also known as the first one) that he was here, so he might just do that right now.

 

There wasn’t something worth seeing though. Living room was constituted of stained couch that Louis was sure wouldn’t last much longer. One of its legs was already half broken. There was this, ugly, ochre armchair that wasn’t fitting inwith the rest of the flat at all. It looked quite unused, even though the dust was very visible from every angle. Louis guessed Harry was using the couch more often. There was also this one, small and old TV that Louis was sure didn’t have more than ten channels. The carpet on the floor was brown more than it was white (from what he could see) and coffee table had footprints all over it. Louis’ face made a grimace and really, there was nothing else he could do. Kitchen was even worse than living room – if that was possible. Greasy layers, wet stains and bunch of dishes were scattered all over it and it wasn’t that easy for Louis to walk through it. Louis groaned in frustration and he could already see that he’d have to do a lot of cleaning if he wanted this place to look at least a bit presentable. And it wasn’t like Harry will help him at all. Louis asked himself how Harry could even live in a place like this and how he wasn’t he even a bit aware of a mess he lived in. It wasn’t like Harry could just ignore all of this but, then again, Louis wouldn’t be surprised (because he probably was) if he was under the drug influence the most of the time and, well, Harry turned into a person that didn’t really care. So, the cleanness of his own apartment probably didn’t matter to him. But Louis cared and he wanted the place he would live in for at least a month to look somehow clean. So that was the thing he’d do first. After all, he didn’t even have a place to sit. He didn’t usually clean because, quite honestly, he sucked at it, but maybe if he tried, he’d do a good job. If we’re being honest though, everything would look better here, even if he cleaned it quite poorly. He found a mop (and it was actually a miracle that Harry had one) and started his mission, Harry freshly on his mind and wondering where the hell the broken boy actually was.

*

Everything was so bright. Patterns of illuminative lights were dancing right in front of his eyes. A big grin was plastered on his face as he tried to catch a light with his pale hands. But it was moving too fast, teasing him and making him want to run after it. But the cloud was too comfortable for him to get up. He felt so happy, so free and so calm. Millions of smiling faces suddenly appeared in front of him, touching his face, telling him how beautiful and pretty he looked. His smile only grew bigger, brighter with every word said. He felt so blissful and special and it was so easy to get lost there. But he let himself do just that. The real world was too cruel. Nobody understood him there, he was alone and there was nothing left for him. This was so much better – so much easier. The voices told him to sing, so he hummed the tune that got into his head first. Faces giggled and supported him, telling him how amazing he’d sounded.

 

But his illusion was gone the moment he heard some shattering and cracking. The faces disappeared, but the colours were still there at least. His eyes narrowed as he tried to lift himself up from the cloud. The world was spinning and his pretty room looked kind of out of place. He grunted and got off the cloud, taking small steps towards the door. He opened them and saw a man going around his flat, holding a mop and doing something that looked a lot like cleaning. But why? His flat was clean and pretty. It didn’t need to be cleaned.

 

“Why are you doing that?” He slurred with his eyes half opened. He couldn’t remember who the man was though. But when the man turned his head and stood up straight, something came back to Harry. He remembered, blurrily, that Zayn and Niall brought him in his flat two nights before. What was his name? Lewis or something? A man had a stern look on his face when he smiled a little but Harry just didn’t care for it. He never did.

 

“I’m cleaning. This place looks like a bomb has fallen into it and if I’m going to live with you for at least a month, I want it to look a bit decent.” Harry’s eyes widened in shock. This unknown man is going to live with him? He never agreed to this! And his flat was clean! Who was that… Lewis to tell him what his flat looked like? Or that he was using his flat just like that? No. Harry didn’t like this at all. He stormed towards him and took the mop out of his hands.

 

“Leave my fucking flat. Now. I never said you can live here nor I said that you have any permission to clean it. It’s already clean anyways. So leave until I didn’t beat the shit out of you.” His voice was dark, deep and scary and he could see that the man flinched. Harry was satisfied. He liked scaring people. It made him feel powerful and in control. He liked control. He was controlling his own life and he liked it that way. He didn’t need anyone. He was perfectly fine by himself and, when someone told him they could _fix_ him, he just laughed.

 

“No. I’m not going to do that, Harry. I’m not going to let your friends down or you, no matter if you like it or not. And this place isn’t clean. I don’t know what you see, Harry, but I won’t live in the place like this. If I already have to, I would rather for it to be clean.” Harry was furious and angry and he didn’t want this at all. He didn’t want this man here. He didn’t want his friends to fix him and he certainly didn’t want this man to help them out. So he’s pushed him up against the wall while holding the man’s neck in strong grip.

 

“Don’t you dare. Don’t you fucking dare to try to fix me. I don’t give a fuck what my so-called friends had said. I don’t need help. Do you understand?” Harry said lowly, his eyes piercing man’s blue, frightened one. He could hear the man’s breath hitch and Harry was, once again, satisfied. Sickening smirk appeared on his face as he squeezed the hand around man’s neck even tighter, so the man had trouble breathing. The man choked, trying to catch a breath, but Harry didn’t let him.

 

“P-please. Just l-let go. Please d-don’t k-kill me.” Harry laughed loudly and finally let go of man’s neck. The man started breathing loudly, trying to catch as much oxygen as he could at once. After a few seconds, when he was a bit better, he looked at Harry, the look sending daggers into Harry’s eyes. That was all very entertaining to Harry though.

 

“I won’t kill you, no matter how tempting that sounds. I don’t want to go to jail, you know. That’s not really on my list of priorities. After all, it would be a shame to lose that lovely face of yours. I don’t want to hear how teenage girls all over the world cried their eyes out because I killed you. And Zayn and Niall would probably be mad too. So yeah, that wouldn’t really be a smart move from me.” Harry smirked and walked towards the kitchen, not taking a second look at the man. Then he realized that he still hasn’t learned his name (even though Harry was _sure_ it was Lewis something… Tomilinson?), so, as he was taking stuff from the cupboards, not really paying attention on what he was taking, he decided it would only be fair if he learned his name. “What’s your name again? Lewis something, right?” He heard the man groan and the footsteps behind him. Harry didn’t turn around though.

 

“No. It’s Louis. _Lou-is._ Tomlinson.Learn your fucking facts straight before saying them out loud.” _Louis_ spat, but the only thing Harry could do was to chuckle because clearly, Louis was a bit too overprotective over his name… and Harry liked it. He already found the entertainment for himself, if Louis will already be around most of the time. At least it wouldn’t be boring for Harry and that was a good thing.

 

“Okay, Lewis. But remember, this is still my flat and you can’t do everything you want, did I make myself clear?” He was standing right in front of Louis again, but this time, Louis didn’t flinch and instead, his poker face was still on. Harry was impressed, if he was being completely honest. Not that he would admit that out loud… ever. Louis sighed and rolled his eyes but still giving a curt nod.

 

“Fine. But you’ll still let me clean, right?” He asked, a bit unsure. It was Harry’s turn to roll his eyes, but what could he do? Louis obviously didn’t find his flat clean like Harry did, and there was not really a point in arguing. Louis wouldn’t give up and Harry could let him clean, right? After all, it was just cleaning – something Harry despised – but if Louis was so urgent to clean, then really, Harry didn’t want to decline the offer anymore. The less annoying Louis was, the better.

 

“Yeah, yeah, whatever. If you really want to clean, clean. But don’t you fucking get me involved in it because I’m not some fucking housewife to go around like a madman with a mop in hands. Even better, don’t you fucking expect me to do _anything._ ” Harry growled and turned around again, picking the items up from the counter. He just wanted to go back to his room – where everything was peaceful and nice and good and there wasn’t Louis Tomlinson who will mock him and whatnot. He was fine on his own. He always was. So why change that now?

 

“You’re one snappy prick, you know? But don’t worry – I didn’t expect you to do anything anyways, so you’re safe there. But don’t you dare to think that I won’t try to fix you. Because I will. And I won’t stop until your head is clean and you actually remember who I am and what I said the other day. You hear me? You have your rules and I have my own. You wouldn’t want to disappoint everyone now, would you?” Louis’ voice was calm – too calm for Harry’s liking. It was confident and strong and it seemed like Louis knew what he was talking about. And no, Harry didn’t like that at all. He didn’t need this Louis – confident Louis, sassy Louis and Louis who could bear with all the insults thrown in his way. He liked him better when he was scared to death. He didn’t need someone who would stand up against him. He didn’t need someone that would try to fight him, fix him and whatever other things Louis had promised to do. No. Harry definitely didn’t need that. But, then again, he really didn’t know how he could actually bring fear from Louis on the surface for good. It wasn’t really possible for him to do so, but that didn’t mean he wouldn’t try. Everyone had something that sacred them the most and Louis was no exception. Harry just needed to try to find that one thing.

 

“You won’t fix me. You have no right to have any rules. And you definitely won’t tell me what to do. If you really have that kind of will, live here, but leave me alone. I really don’t know why you’re even trying. I’m nobody to you. I’m nobody to _anyone._ I have no one and I don’t need anyone. So, leave me and my life the fuck alone!” He was shouting by now and he didn’t try to tone it down. He grabbed the pack of cigarettes from the counter along with some food and passed Louis by, hitting his shoulder with his own on purpose. “FUCK YOU!” He shouted at the end and slammed the door of his room louder than necessary.

 

Louis was standing in the same spot, his mouth slightly agape. He didn’t really understand what exactly happened. Harry snapped. And he snapped easily, Louis learned. And it wasn’t a good thing. He wasn’t the one who will break easily and Louis hated that fact so much. No matter how hard he tried to convince Harry that he will fix him, no matter what, the lad was always going on and on about the same thing and Louis was already _tired._ But, as he thought, he was here only for the second time, not even a day and, if he let Harry drive him crazy now, how will he manage to accomplish his mission? He was sure Harry was never clean. His bones, his eyes, his behaviour were saying everything Louis needed to know. Harry Styles was a fucking mess. Louis wasn’t smart – not that smart anyways. And he would need time to come up with a plan. So, in the meanwhile, he’d have to let Harry act the way he acted. Louis felt helpless at the moment and he wished he had a solution right away. Sadly, that wasn’t the case and Harry Styles will keep getting drugged, keep acting the way he acted and wouldn’t be his old self for a long time – longer than Louis originally planned – and Louis didn’t like that at all.

 

He groaned and put his head in his hands, trying to calm himself down. Harry Styles will be the death for him – sooner or later. He was very aware of that.


	4. Pressure

“I just have no freaking idea what to do, Li. I’m becoming hopeless. He’s such a mess. It’s actually unbearable to watch.” Louis whined as he sipped at his tea in a café bar, his best friend Liam sitting across of him, looking at him intensively. Brown eyes still held the usual warmness and calmness. Liam understood him – he always did. He never failed to give Louis an advice and he was always there for him. They knew each other for years now and they’ve never left each other’s side. Louis was really grateful to have someone like Liam because he didn’t know how he would get through a lot of things without him. Liam was the one who got him out of the dark place and Louis was never more pleased to have such a friend. So of course he was the first person he would whine to about the irritating Harry Styles. He hoped Liam would know what to do. If he had a solution for every little problem, then he can surely help him out with this one, right?

 

“Well, mate, he’s your own problem. I don’t think there’s anything I can do to help you really. In fact, I _don’t_ want to help you. You were the one who agreed to this, not me. I don’t want to waste my time trying to figure out some drug addict former popstar. He’s your own problem now, Louis.” Liam said and slightly nodded like he was trying to prove a point even more. Louis groaned and covered his eyes with his hand, leaning onto his elbow. He just realized how big of a mistake he had made. He never should’ve accepted that offer in the first place because Harry was the kind of a person that was hard to crack. And Louis was just losing hope more and more. He thought that Zayn and Niall definitely made a mistake by inviting him. Yeah, they definitely did because Louis was losing his sanity here.

 

“I am in such deep shit.” He muttered more to himself. Through his fingers, he could see Liam smiling softly, almost apologetically. “I don’t know, Liam. I can’t just leave him now. I’ll feel guilty for the rest of my life if I do so. I just… I hate it all, y’know? I feel so hopeless, but at the same time I feel like I can actually do something. But that possibility is getting more and more impossible as the days go by. Yesterday he’d thrown a book at me and told me to ‘Leave him the fuck alone and get back to my fucking perfect life.’ I don’t think I can do it, Li.” It was a really hard week for Louis. Even though Harry would barely leave his room (or he would go at some dirty, old club without Louis actually noticing), he’d still given Louis a fuss with every chance he got. He complained to Louis for sitting on his sofa, smiling at the old pictures of Harry and his family and friends that he’d accidentally found while cleaning (where Harry basically tore them out of his hands) or if he only drank tea, which, for some reason, pissed the hell out of Harry. Louis couldn’t understand him. Not really. He didn’t remember himself being like that. Yeah, sure, he was bad, but he never shut people down completely. There was always something that was keeping him just a bit _there_ , but Harry was different. He was worse and Louis was slowly losing his mind. He didn’t know what was good and what was bad anymore. Zayn and Niall didn’t have any solution either. They were worse than Liam actually. They just shrugged and told Louis to try harder and even though Louis kind of blamed them for acting like that, he did understand them at the same time. They were tired. They were fighting with Harry and his antics for more than two years now and they were on the edge. Louis could see that, so it wasn’t surprising that they left it all on Louis’ shoulders.

 

“You can do it, Louis. If somebody can, then that’s you. I can believe that it’s hard right now, but trust me when I say that it’ll get better. You just have to find that one crack on the wall he’d built and get through it. You’re the kind of person that everyone loves, so use it. Once Harry sees it, he isn’t going to be able to stay away. Believe me when I say it. Just don’t give up. You wouldn’t be you if I did so. I can come for a visit from time to time but there’s nothing I can really do. But you can. Okay?” Louis bit his lip and looked at Liam. Could he? Was he that strong? Could he really have that effect on Harry? He knew he asked himself the same questions hundreds of times. He knew that his thoughts were changing all the time, thinking once this, once that. Louis’ head was a mess at the moment and, no matter how hard he tried to sort it out, he was as confused as ever.

 

“I don’t know. Fuck, everything is so messed up.” Liam rolled his eyes because, really, who wouldn’t get sick of Louis at times like this? Louis tried to compose himself and not sound like a selfish prick, but Harry was making him this way and he just didn’t do anything to change that. He knew it annoyed people, but he was annoyed and that was a neverending circle he was stuck in. He sighed and leaned against the chair, looking at the bright, blue sky. Not one cloud was covering the blueness – even though there wasn’t sun. It was still nice enough weather for London and Louis was glad he and his best friend had gone out. And he was glad he took a break from Harry because he really needed it. He didn’t move much out of Harry’s now-even-presentable apartment since he moved in because he liked having Harry in sight. But now, he needed it. He lasted for a week and now he was just sick.

 

“Calm down, Louis. There’s no turning back now. Try to keep your head straight and try to put yourself in his position. Or even act like him. I don’t know. That’s the only thing I can really say.” Louis gave him a thankful smile and nodded. He appreciated Liam always being there for him and always trying to make him stay the same and do his best.

 

After that, they didn’t have much time to talk because the fans finally managed to find Louis and then more fans noticed him, so they got mobbed by a lot of them and, without bodyguard in sight, there wasn’t something they could do. So, Louis put the best smile he could manage on his face (but that smile still wasn’t quite reaching his eyes) and took pictures, signed some autographs and talked with a few girls. That took more time than expected and when Louis was finally in a safety of his car, noon passed sooner than he’d expected. He was worried, he’ll admit that much. He didn’t see Harry all morning and that meant that nobody was watching what younger lad was doing and Louis just couldn’t handle the images he had in his head. So he drove faster than it was allowed. He was on the same parking lot soon enough, so he parked the car and got out of it. It took everything in him not to run because there wasn’t really anything he should be worried about, right? Harry was fine. Yes, he most definitely was. But even Louis knew that was one big fat lie.

 

He opened the apartment doors and looked around it. He didn’t see Harry anywhere. Well, not in the living room or kitchen anyways. He closed the door behind himself, his heart beating loudly against his chest. He was scared.

 

“Harry?” He called loudly. He just needed one respond from a boy. Just one, so he could know he was in his room and that he was somehow fine. Well, as fine as Harry could be. Nothing. He called him one more time, but he got silent respond in return. Louis bit down onto his bottom lip, getting closer to the door of Harry’s room. “Harry?” He said softly and knocked. No response. His lip split into two pieces as he bit on it hard. But he didn’t care. He needed to know that Harry was. He just needed that. Nothing more, nothing less. There was only bathroom left that was right next to Harry’s room. Hesitantly, he went there, keeping his steps steady and slow. He knocked once, twice and when there was nothing, _again,_ he pulled the knob down. To his surprise, he found it locked. His eyes widened as he tried to get the door opened once again. “HARRY!” Suddenly, a broken moan came from the bathroom, leaving Louis even more shocked. “Harry! Please, open up! What’s wrong? Are you okay? Please, Harry, open up.” He was panicking. He didn’t know what to do. He felt so useless. Why was he even doing this? Why? Another moan and then a croaked voice came through the thick door.

 

“Go away.” He could hear Harry breathing heavily. “I don’t need your help.” Another moan. “I’m fine.” Louis wanted to scream. He wanted to tell him how fucking stupid he was being. He wanted to tell him to stop acting like a child and man up and just use the help he needed. But he didn’t do any of it. Instead, he blankly stepped away from the door and left, even though the guilt was just starting to build inside of him.

*

Harry didn’t need him to leave. Harry _needed_ him. But he was never the one who would admit something like that. He needed someone to fight for him, _with_ him. He needed someone that will be there. And Louis was, he really was, but at the times like this one, Harry really needed him. Then again, he was sure Louis would judge him if he took just one look. His thigh was completely destroyed by numerous of cuts, old and new, just like his stomach and other places where he could hide it well. But now, things had gone too far and he couldn’t stop bleeding. He was crying, but at the same time, he wasn’t. He was suffering, but at the same time he wasn’t. He needed Louis, but at the same time he didn’t. He closed his eyes and lolled his head against the cold bathroom tiles. He couldn’t think. He couldn’t speak. He couldn’t stop cutting even though he was bleeding constantly. He got so used to pain that he didn’t feel it anymore. It was his routine – everyday. And nobody noticed. He was good at it and it made him feel good. It made things easier. It made life easier and when he mixed it all with drugs, he was fine. He was in his own little world that he never wanted to get out of. Nobody understood him. Nobody ever tried. Everybody just wanted to fix him, but fixing wasn’t something he needed. He just needed understanding and somebody to take care of him. But he couldn’t say that out loud. Of course he couldn’t. It wasn’t something you just say. It was something people should realize. But people around Harry were too dumb and too fucked up to understand him. So when Louis Tomlinson came into his life, Harry really wasn’t suspecting anything because Louis _was_ like everybody else. But still, Harry couldn’t deny he saw something there – something in those blue, oceanic eyes. It wasn’t big, no, not at all. It was just a glint, but Harry hoped that _something_ was everything he needed. Though he doubted it. He was just like everybody else and Harry desperately tried to assure himself in that.

 

He hissed in pain as he tried to get up, leaving the razor blade on the floor. His tights still didn’t stop bleeding and Harry tried not to get himself worried. His brain was a bit clean this time, so he tried to think of a solution. He looked around a little bathroom and found a bunch of clean towels he was sure weren’t his. Still, without much thinking, he grabbed them and tried to wrap them around his thighs. It hurt more than he expected, but he clenched his teeth and prayed for it to work. Even though it only ever worked with smaller cuts, he didn’t know what to do. Water will hurt and everything other was going to hurt. Then he remembered that towels were probably Louis’. And he will see the blood. And he will ask questions that Harry wasn’t going to have an answer to. But there was nothing else he could do, so he tried not to think of the consequences too hard.

 

He started walking, step by step, hissing every time. He shut his eyes and took a few deep breaths. Then he continued again. With every step, it was becoming easier, pain already numbing. He made his way to doors, so he opened them and looked around. Louis wasn’t near his sight. He let out a sigh of relief (even though he wasn’t really relieved because a part of him wanted Louis to see him like this) and tried to get to his room as fast as he could.

 

Once inside of safety of his room, he felt a bit at ease. His phone was resting at the nightstand, signalling he had a missed call. His thighs were still bleeding, but in smaller content than before. He sat on a bed and changed the already full towel with a new one. Then he picked up his phone just at the time when it rang again. He smiled when he saw a name on a screen. It was soothing to see it in a way. “What’s up?” He asked through smile and he could hear happy laugh and cheering coming from the other side of a line.

 

“Harry! Long time no hear.” Nick Grimshaw said and Harry could feel him beaming. Nick was one of the only friends Harry had… well, if a friend was the right word to say. Harry didn’t really know what Nick was. Harry cared a bit about him and Nick cared for Harry’s money and that was basically it.

 

“Yeah, true that. So, what made you call me now?” Harry knew Nick never called without a reason. It was always for something and Harry got used to it. People were always using Harry and he knew that. Nothing could surprise him anymore. Everything was always the same. Nick was no exception. He was only worse maybe.

 

“Why do you think I called you for a reason?” Harry rolled his eyes but said nothing. “But you’re right, yeah. Listen, I have an offer for you. I have the best robe for you. Very nice. The best right now. I assure you. You won’t find better.” He stopped so Harry could take it all in. Yeah, Harry definitely needed a new robe and Nick always had the best. There was no doubt. “But, you know what I want for return, right?” Harry closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He hated this. He hated this so much but there wasn’t really anything he could do. He needed drugs and if that was the only way, he’d do it.

 

“Yeah, I know. And I want it. So, when? Where?” He tried to keep his voice calm because he didn’t need Nick teasing him. He could feel Nick’s satisfied smirk. He always got what he wanted.

 

“What do you say tonight around 10pm at my place?” He gulped and nodded, realizing just then that Nick couldn’t see him.

 

“That’s… that’s fine for me, yeah. I’ll be there.” He blinked away the tears because his sanity didn’t need to get in his way now. It really didn’t. It was for the best that he stayed numb. It was for the best.

 

“Can’t wait, lover boy.” And that was how the phone call ended, leaving Harry to gather his thoughts and try not to think of how wrong this was.


	5. Burnin'

“Where are you going?” Louis asked confusingly as he saw Harry leaving the room with a pack of cigarettes in one hand and a mobile phone in another one. He didn’t even give him a glance when he passed him nor he tried to give him the answer and Louis didn’t expect anything else. Louis sighed deeply and returned his gaze to the television that was on for some time now. When he found out that Harry was in the bathroom (and didn’t even let him come in), he went to the store near their building and bought some main groceries that Harry, of course, didn’t have. But Louis needed to cool down and the walk really did him good. There weren’t many costumers and, the ones that were there, were or looking very suspicious or were just some random, old people in the pass. So Louis kept his shopping short and was in flat again fifteen minutes later. He could hear Harry talking quietly in his room when he came home and then he heard some crashing and shattering, but Louis knew when not to get into anyone’s business. So he turned on the television (and cringed at the screen because it was absolutely awful) and tried to find something interesting to watch. He settled for some documentary about dolphins, even though, quite honestly, he wasn’t interesting in it at all. But that was the only thing he could actually watch – other channels were only showing some news or films where acting was absolutely horrendous and Louis didn’t feel like watching that right now – so he kept his gaze on it, but not really registering what he was seeing. He was worried. He always was, even though it was _Harry_ and Harry forbidden him to care. So, no matter how much he wanted to help, he couldn’t. Not really. Not at this time. Louis didn’t know when that time was going to come or what he was waiting for and maybe he should’ve broken those bathroom doors earlier and see what the younger boy was doing there. Maybe he was just acting cowardly. He didn’t know. He didn’t _want_ to know. It was for the best if he listened for the boy’s wishes for now. And maybe then… maybe then something will change. Maybe Harry will get used to his presence and he’d let Louis just a little bit in his life. Maybe it was the best decision for Louis to wait after all. He couldn’t just rush into things, right? That wouldn’t solve anything and he still had time.

 

Louis dozed off on that couch that looked a whole lot of better now. Still, it was very uncomfortable and when he woke up, his neck hurt badly just as his back. He grunted in annoyance and sat up straight. He hasn’t had any clue what time was it nor had Harry gotten back. He was clueless but he needed to change that. He rubbed his sleepy eyes and looked around. The television was turned off and that surprised him too because he didn’t remember turning it off. He didn’t give it a much thought though. So he stretched and tried to find a light because he couldn’t see a thing in front of himself. When he finally found it and living room was brought to life again, he could barely keep his eyes opened. It took him a few seconds to adjust to light, blinking rapidly till he could see right.

 

He didn’t hear anything. He didn’t hear Harry or anyone else. But, then again, it’s not like anyone would be inside of their flat late at night beside him and Harry. He looked at clock and he was surprised to see that it was two o’clock in the morning. But he didn’t feel like sleeping. There was something in his stomach telling him not everything was okay and with that feeling, he knew he won’t fall asleep easily.

 

He tried to relax. He really did. He made himself a cup of tea and took a seat at the kitchen table, sipping the tea slowly, looking at the clock in front of him every few seconds. Then he started walking around the house and gripping at his hair. Harry wasn’t home. And he was getting so worried that it stopped being funny – like it ever was. He didn’t have his phone number. Zayn and Niall were sleeping by now. He didn’t have anyone to call and he most definitely didn’t know what to do. He hated absolutely everything. He shouldn’t be worried if Harry was never worried about him. He should ignore it and go back to sleep. But the problem was that he couldn’t do that. He just _couldn’t_ and that was the problem. He wanted to scream out of frustration but he stopped himself on time. He shut his eyes tightly and tried to think of anything other than Harry Styles. But he knew that was impossible. Harry Styles was basically his life now and he couldn’t just _forget._ He hated that though. He hated that there was no turning back. He hated the fact that his life will never be normal again. Deep down inside though, he wanted this and wanted to help Harry. His thoughts were mixed and he didn’t know what to follow and believe anymore. It was frustrating and annoying and he was completely and utterly done.

 

Just as he settled down on a couch again, with his head in his hands, trying to clear out his mind, the loud noise came just outside of the apartment. He flinched and lifted his head, directing his gaze towards the door that had yet to be opened. He bit his lip, his heart beating a bit louder than usual, and he waited and waited. The impatience was growing inside of him and he could feel the metal taste of the blood coming from his now ripped bottom lip. He tried to breathe and not to think of the worst. But crashes and noises were getting louder and he really didn’t know what to think anymore. Louis was on the edge and finally, after a few more seconds, the door opened.

 

Louis didn’t specifically expect what greeted him. He expected drunk Harry, drugged Harry, the one shouting at him and telling him how much of a worthless crap he was. He expected all of it – because Harry was like that all the time. At least he was like that in front of him and he definitely didn’t expect what he saw. The tears were streaming down Harry’s pale cheeks. His green eyes were so red around the edges that the usual greenness was almost lost. His body was shaking uncontrollably and the broken sobs were escaping his chapped lips. Louis couldn’t move. He didn’t know _what to do._ He was lost and he was scared. This was the first time he saw Harry like anything other but angry and furious and he learned to deal with that, but this? This was the whole other level. This was a completely different situation and Harry’s state of mind. Louis didn’t know that territory and he was confused as ever. Harry shut the door loudly and slid down against them, still holding the knob, his eyes shut now and tears streamed down his wet face, sobs broke free and it looked like he didn’t try to stop them.

 

After few moments of just blinking and looking at Harry like he was some sort of miracle or something, he moved. Louis’ mind was blank. He didn’t know what he was doing. He stood up from the couch, his legs a bit weak and threating to betray him any second. But he managed. He managed to take small steps towards the broken boy. He could hear his own heart by now. His palms were sweaty and he was just watching the boy who didn’t seem to hear or notice that Louis was getting closer to him. If he did, he would already throw a hissy fit his way… right? Louis took a deep breath as he approached to Harry and kneeled in front of him. He was just staring at him at first, waiting to see if Harry will do something, anything. No response. So Louis did the only thing that was left for him to do… or he thought so at least. He spread his arms and wrapped them around Harry’s fragile frame. He half expected from Harry to show him off, like he always did when he tried anything similar (though he never tried to hug him), but instead of doing so, he accepted the hug, wrapping his own around Louis waist and burying his head onto Louis’ chest, crying even harder. He clung onto him, barely letting him to breathe. But Louis didn’t mind, not really. He put his own head on Harry’s shoulder and let the boy cry his heart out, even though he didn’t know what the problem was. He didn’t care. Not now. He might try to find out later, but he knew that chances of finding that out were close to none. He couldn’t let his hopes rise. Just because Harry was like this right now didn’t mean he’d be like that tomorrow or even minutes later. But for now, he’d be here – holding Harry and comforting him, trying to ease the pain. He knew he couldn’t actually do that, but he could do his best – just like he always did.

 

He cooed sweet nothings into his ear and rocked him back and forth whilst ignoring the uncomfortable position he was in. But after it became almost unbearable, he lifted them both up and tried to wake them towards the couch. It was bit of a problem, seeing as Harry just clung harder, but Louis managed. Almost instantly, Harry curled into Louis’ side, putting his knees in Louis’ lap and hands still holding him of a dear life. His sobs became quieter and less frequent, his breathing calming a bit. Louis let out a breath of relief because that was good. That was really good. It meant he accomplished something. He succeeded in calming Harry down and that was just a step forward. He liked that. He really did.

 

The words he heard next could’ve been taken as almost unsaid because really, they probably were and Louis was just imagining things. Because Harry never said that. He didn’t just go around and say things like that. He was rude and cocky and not ever did Louis think differently. Well, this Harry was that way, so Louis really doubted he heard him right. But when he heard the same whispered words again, then he was sure. Harry Styles did that and Louis would enjoy and taste the words till he could because that would last shortly.

_Thank you._

*

The pleasant and tempting smell woke Louis up from his sleep. He was confused at first because he couldn’t wrap his head around of what it was. But after a few moments, he recognized a familiar scent of eggs and bacon and that pulled the smile on his face right away. But just as he was letting himself enjoy it, he froze. He didn’t understand. Where was it coming from? It was strong, so it must’ve been close but it couldn’t be from their kitchen, right? Zayn and Niall weren’t here. He would definitely hear them. Yes, he would. He wasn’t that much of aheavy sleeper. After all, you couldn’t not hear Niall even if you wanted to. Liam wasn’t here either, so what was left? Harry didn’t cook. He never did. Louis knew that much. He wasn’t even sure if the boy even _ate._ So what the hell was going on?

 

He opened his eyes and looked around. He was in a living room. As always. But he was on the couch, not on the air mattress he brought with him so he could sleep somewhere. The last night came rushing back to him and it hit him hard. It all happened. It all really happened and it was hard for Louis to believe that. His gaze went to kitchen that was in full view. And no. His eyes weren’t playing tricks with him. He was awake, right? He was not imagining Harry Styles in front of a stove, mixing and humming softly some song unknown to Louis. Louis got up from the couch and went to the kitchen, making sure he wasn't dreaming. Harry looked more normal than ever before. He looked like a 20-year-old again with ahappy and good life, not what he really was. The sight surprised Louis, he couldn't lie about that, but it pleased him regardless.

 

“Hi.” He breathed out. Harry turned his head around and gave him a quizzical look. Then he smirked at him and got back to cooking without uttering a single word. Louis bit his lip and looked around, thinking of what to do next. He sat down in front of a counter, not wanting to look like some confused idiot, like he felt. He watched Harry carefully, taking his odd appearance in. He questioned how long it was going to last. “Why are you doing this?” The words came out of nowhere. He didn't mean to ask that, or sound a bit rude. It just slipped through his mouth without a second thought. He gulped as Harry turned his head around one more time and looked at him with a raised eyebrow.

 

“This is my way of thanking you. I can't do anything else, so you better be pleased. Don't think that things will change now. This is a one time thing. I'm not the one who's waiting to return the favours.” He said like it was the most normal thing and Louis could only nod stupidly. He kept watching him cook, waiting for a meal to be over. Okay, Louis knew that Harry had good manners, but he never expected him to do something like this. He didn't expect him to even make an eye contact, so this was kind of shocking, even though he really didn't need to get used to it.

 

The breakfast was ready a few minutes later and Harry put a plate in front of him, watching him almost curiously, like he wanted to know if he did a good job. Louis didn't think his approval would mean anything to Harry, but maybe he was wrong. Those eggs and bacon were like a heaven for him and he didn't hold back a moan that escaped his lips when he took a first bite. "This is amazing." He said mouthful of food. He knew it was a bit rude, but Harry obviously didn't mind when he smiled just a little bit and nodded. Then he turned around and went to his room again, but not before shouting to Louis:

 

“You're still a prick, you know. I still hate you and I still don't want your fucking presence here. So, don't you dare to get this into my fucking face. Like I said, it was a one time thing. Now we can go back to where we were.” And then he shut the door as loudly as he could. Just like always. And Louis pretended he didn't feel hurt like he really did.


	6. Whispers

Harry felt the new intake of heroin blissfully taking control over him already. He closed his eyes and smiled briefly. It felt good. It felt so fucking good and Harry wouldn’t trade the feeling for any other. He really wouldn’t. And that was why he was so furious at his friends and that… that twat called Louis who thought he needed a fix. Because he didn’t. He really didn’t and he didn’t _want_ it. He was fine like this. He’d live. He was careful enough… or so he thought. He felt all of his worries going away. He felt the embarrassment he felt all day washing away. It was good because embarrassment wasn’t. He hated that he acted like that in front of Louis. Louis was never supposed to see that side of him. It was supposed to stay hidden from the prying eyes. He didn’t need pity or saving or comforting. Drugs gave him that. He didn’t need _people._ They were always useless anyway. They didn’t understand him and that thing that happened last night with Louis was completely unnecessary. He was supposed to come back at quiet flat and silently make the way to his room. He was supposed to cry himself to sleep in his dirty bed – in a dark room. Louis wasn’t supposed to be awake waiting for him. He wasn’t supposed to take him into his small arms and whisper him little promises into his ear and make everything better. He just wasn’t _supposed_ to. Harry wanted Louis to see him as tough person and strong person – the one he should be afraid of. The one that didn’t just break down and cry because that’s humiliating. He tried to keep the façade up for so long and he loved that it actually had an effect on Louis – one way or another. But now… now Louis saw his vulnerable side. The side that came to its best view when something like this happened – when he had to have sex with some idiot and heartless drug dealer that fucked him in five minutes time and then just threw the drug his way, saying to him that he had to leave. It always hurt him. It really did and he absolutely despised himself after it. He hated himself, he hated Nick, he hated the feeling of being used as a quick fuck and he hated what he had become. But those feelings washed away when he wokeup the next morning. The thing was, he couldn’t let himself feel that way all the time. He would break and he knew it. So he just kept it bottled up inside and pretended that that part of him didn’t exist. It could happen sometimes, rarely, when no one was around, when no one could see him. And he was sure. He was so sure he’d make it without Louis seeing him. But he was so wrong. And Harry didn’t like being wrong. But once Louis arms were securely wrapped around him, he gave in completely. He shut down his thoughts and just _let it be._ He let himself cry onto Louis’ chest and soak his shirt completely and he let himself be cuddled up by Louis and if he was himself, he wouldn’t let that happen.

 

Once he was awake, he was aware of everything and it hit him like a train and it just wasn’t good. He didn’t know what to do at first nut he started to be aware of the fact that he owed to Louis so he decided to make a breakfast, even though he hasn’t done that in ages. He remembered everything though. After all, it was just eggs and bacon and Harry knew how to cook a lot more than just that. And that was the simplest one. So, that was his return of the favour. Nothing more, nothing less. Really.

 

“Harry, are you in there?” He groaned and furiously opened his bedroom door. In front of them stood Louis all flustered and angry and close to something Harry was sure was crying. Harry’s eyebrows knotted together in confusion as he watched the older man’s face that was confident and stern and Harry was actually a bit scared by it. Not that he would ever say it out loud. “What the fuck is this?” He asked, lifting the knife that was in his small hand in the direction of Harry’s eyes. Harry’s mouth dropped open and his eyes widened in disbelief because he was _sure_ he got rid of the every evidence of his… self-harming. He gulped and tried to think of some excuse. Louis couldn’t know. He just couldn’t. Harry wouldn’t tell him. It would be absolute death of him and he didn’t want for Louis to be even more ignorant than he already was. To be quite honest, Harry had no clue what to do next. He was always so careful and he always made sure not to leave any marks or evidence or anything that would cause even more problems. Somewhere deep inside Harry knew he was fucked up and that he reached his bottom, but he still didn’t care and he definitely didn’t mean to stop. Of course not. And Louis wouldn’t change that. No matter what.

 

“Uhm… a knife?” He said stupidly. It was the best to play at that card. It always worked. Louis would let it go. He’d have to or else… well, Harry had no idea what he’s going to do then. It wasn’t like he had a back up plan. Because his ‘A’ plans always worked. So why would it be different now?

 

“Don’t try to fool me, Harry. I’ve found this on the bathroom tiles. What the fuck was knife doing there? What the fuck were _you_ doing with it? Answer me Harry!” He was shouting, but Harry was unfazed. He got used to shouting. It was nothing new. So what? He could shout all he wanted, Harry wasn’t going to be surprised or suddenly break the walls he’d built and pour his heart out at him. Of course he wouldn’t. He wouldn’t be Harry if he would do that. So he smirked at Louis and took the knife roughly out of his hand, looking at it with almost dazzled expression.

 

“Like I would ever tell you that.” He made an eye contact with Louis now and stepped a little closer, so there was just an inch of space between them. Louis was clearly uncomfortable and Harry was satisfied with himself. Thwew was something about making the man in front of him squirm and uneasy that got him satisfied. Maybe it was because it was hard to actually do that or maybe it was just because when Louis let his guard down a bit, Harry could see everything in those clear, blue eyes… No. That definitely wasn’t that.

 

“Look, could you put that down? And stop getting so fucking close. You have no right or permission, so back off.” His voice was shaky and unsteady and that was the reason Harry couldn’t take him seriously. But he put his hand down (because knife in a face was a bit terrifying, he’ll admit that much), just for everyone’s sake. He didn’t do anything else though. He wanted to get Louis to his breaking point. He wanted to drive Louis crazy and make him furious. He liked furious Louis. Oh, he really did because that Louis was quite a bit of fun. And Harry loved fun. He needed something fun and if making Louis furious was one of it, he’d do it.

 

“And what if I don’t want to back off?” He asked playfully, smirking even wider, so his left dimple that he hated so much was in full view. Louis let out an annoying sigh and rolled his eyes. Instead of answering, he pushed Harry lightly, so that he was out of his personal space again. He may be small, but he was strong and nobody, not even Harry, could deny that. Even the light push was enough to make Harry stand in the doorway of his room again, but Harry wouldn’t let it get to him. He wasn’t going to give up just yet.

 

Louis floated his arms across his chest and looked at Harry with stern and determined look. “So what, Harry? What is all of this? Why was there a fucking knife in the bathroom? Why the fuck do you always try to shut me up when I try to find something out? Why the fuck are you so damn hard to break? Why Harry? Just fucking why?” Louis was done. He was completely and utterly done with all this shit. He said to himself he’d wait and try to figure it all out. He said to himself that he’d wait for Harry to get used to him more, to know him better, but the knife in the bathroom that was covered with drops of blood was something that crossed that line. He had his suspicions and doubts and he had this theory that he really didn’t want to be true. Because then, Harry really did reach his bottom completely and, if that was true, Louis wasn’t sure he’d be able to do anything. It was all too much then. But he wanted to hear it from Harry. He wanted the conformation before he jumped to conclusions because that was only fair – and probably not true. Or that was what Louis tried to convince himself into.

 

“Uuuu, a lot of swearing for you, innit?  Maybe you want to cut it out a bit? It kinda annoys me, you know – just like you annoy me with all these questions. Why do you think I’ll answer you, hmm? Do I really have to? It’s my life, Louis, and I can do whatever I want with it.”

 

“Oh cut the crap, Harry. I want to help you. Don’t you understand that? And how the hell am I supposed to help you when I don’t even know what the problem is? Or what you even do in god knows where? Why can’t you understand that I want you good, Harry? Why? I’m fucking desperate, can’t you see it? Can’t you?” He wouldn’t let himself cry. He wouldn’t. He wouldn’t let Harry Styles make him cry. He wasn’t a baby. He could handle the man two years younger than himself. It shouldn’t be hard. It really shouldn’t. But somehow, it was. It was exhausting and Louis absolutely hated it.

 

“You don’t want to help me. You just want… I don’t know what you want, but maybe they paid you. Maybe the made you come here and try to _fix_ me. I don’t care what it is exactly, to be honest, but you’re not the honest one here. You’re a liar, a coward and fucking twat that has no better business to do than to get into someone else’s life and try to ruin it even more.” Louis was shocked. No. Shocked was too small of a word for what Louis felt at that moment. It was like his heart was breaking into millions of pieces and all the hope he had left before, had fade away. It was like someone ripped a part of him and threw it far away. It was like someone took a part of his own soul and sold it to the devil. It stung. It so fucking stung and Louis didn’t try to stop the tears that were about to fall from his watered eyes. The anger was building up inside of him. His hands started to ache, but he tried to control himself. He shrunk his fingers into fists as he watched Harry’s amused expression. It was so overwhelming. He wanted to punch him. He really did, but he had that much of self-control – or he thought so. “What? A little whiney boy is hurt? A little whiney boy is going to cry now? You’re going to go cry onto your mother’s shoulder-“ That was when Louis exploded. Before he could even think, his right fist flew towards Harry’s jaw and punched him with all its strength. Harry let out a surprised yelp and stumbled a few steps back, hitting the wall to his left side. Louis was full of adrenaline, and anger and sadness and fear and everything had built up and he couldn’t contain himself. No. No one ever talked bullshit about his mother. No one ever talked about him as a whiney boy. Not the ones that didn’t know him. And he wasn’t sorry he punched Harry. He wasn’t because he deserved it completely.

 

Louis looked at Harry just to see shocked, wide eyes and the hand holding onto his already puffy jaw. Without any second word, Louis had turned and walked towards the living room, leaving shocked Harry behind. But that didn’t last for long because just when he approached the living room, he heard footsteps and then felt a hard grip on his wrist turning him around so he was facing Harry’s dark green eyes again. He was mad, Louis could see that. But Louis could care less.

 

“Who do you think you are? You just don’t go around and punch me like that. Why the fuck were you so _ignorant_ to do it? Did I hurt you even more, Louis? Did the name of your mother hurt?” He spat on his face, but Louis didn’t flinch. Tears were still there, streaming down his face, but his face stayed blank. “You weren’t supposed to punch me, Louis. I don’t forgive the punches that easily.” His voice was low and dangerous and it sent shivers down Louis’ spine. He gulped and looked away from the dark eyes. He looked at the floor and took a few deep breaths, trying to calm his beating heart and ignore the pressure on his wrist. “Look at me.” Harry’s voice said and Louis lifted his gaze fearfully. They stared at each other for a while – just stared. Harry’s eyes were empty and Louis couldn’t see what he was exactly thinking. Louis’, however, were full of emotions, even though he tried to hide them. But as more as he tried, the more his walls came crashing down. And he hated it. He hated the fact that Harry could see him, but he couldn’t see Harry. It was unfair in some ways and Louis wanted to change that, even though he knew that wouldn’t happen.

 

Harry’s hand left Louis’ wrist. It was snuff from the pain and Louis tried to ignore it, but it was hard. Harry gripped his neck then and it stung Louis even more. He tried to hold back a groan as he bit his bottom lip and closed his eyes. He didn’t know what Harry’s next move is going to be. He was always unpredictable. Always unreadable. Without any warning, Harry slammed Louis against the nearest wall and Louis didn’t try to hold back a moan of pain.

 

“What are you doing?” He managed to choke out, but Harry pressed him even harder as a sign to shut up. Louis kept his eyes closed. He didn’t want to see anything. He didn’t want to see how badly Harry was going to hurt him. He’d just try to handle it as best as he could- His train of thoughts was cut with a pair of plump, pink lips on his. He gasped in surprise, trying to wrap his head around of what was happening. He stopped thinking then. He shut his mind and decided to just go with whatever Harry wanted. So he kissed back just as urgently. He buried his hands into Harry’s curly, soft hair and wrapped his legs around Harry’s waist. He didn’t know what he was doing because making out with Harry (or whatever they were doing) wasn’t really on the list of Louis’ priorities. He didn’t even see him in that way – of course he didn’t. He was just there to help, not to make things even worse. Harry’s tongue swept over his bottom lip and he opened his mouth, allowing Harry’s tongue to explore his mouth. Their tongues tangled in a fierce battle, not letting one another to take the dominance. Louis tried to outdo Harry. He really did. But Harry’s lips were rough and mad and so damn demanding that Louis stopped trying and let his lips be completely bruised. Harry’s hand that was around Louis’ waist, left its side and went a little bit more down, palming Louis’ now obvious erection through his trousers. Louis let out a shameless moan into Harry’s mouth, not even trying to stop himself because why the hell not?

 

Harry’s lips left his, leaving him absolutely breathless and they started trailing down his jawline and neck, leaving bites here and there till Louis left his eyes closed and moaned loudly every time Harry did so. Harry’s hand trailed up again till it reached button of Louis’ trousers and opened it as fast as he could. He cupped Louis’ arse as he slid his hand inside of his trousers and slid them down around his knees.

 

“You love this, Louis? Do you?” He kissed him once again as he took his cock into his hand through a fabric of Louis’ boxers. Louis pushed his lips and hips harder against Harry, his cock painfully hard by now. Harry’s thumb stroked the head slowly, but Louis needed more.  He whined into Harry’s mouth and Harry chuckled, finally giving in and sliding his hand into Louis boxers, taking a throbbing, red cock into his hand and pumping it slightly. “Tell me, Louis. Tell me what you want.” He whispered hotly into Louis’ ear and Louis wasn’t so sure he could speak. His breathing was uneven and he was almost choking. Still, he obeyed.

  
“I… I want you to… god, just get me off.” He finally said and Harry, Louis was sure, hummed in agreement and started pumping his cock faster, twisting his wrist in the way it made Louis even more mad. Louis tried to contain himself. He really did. But the way Harry’s hand was working on his cock, pumping ever so slightly with just the touch of roughness and making him see the stars, it was almost impossible. Moans and groans left his mouth and chants of Harry’s name without him realizing it until he saw the satisfied smirk on Harry’s face.

 

He was getting close. Harry’s pumps became faster and more urgent and Louis could feel that familiar sensation building up in the pit of his stomach. “Harry, I’m going to…”

 

“Come for me, baby, come for me.” Harry whispered and that was all it took for Louis to split all his cum all over Harry’s hand and his own boxers. Harry let go of his cock and licked the cum off his fingers whilst watching Louis suggestively. Louis still tried to get back off his high. Once Harry’s finished, he put his index finger against Louis’ lips. “Shhhh…. This will be our little secret.”


	7. Fragile

Louis had his head in his hands. He was staring blankly at the ground beneath him, still trying to comprehend what exactly happened only few hours ago. Because he sure had no clue. He didn’t know what possessed him. He didn’t know what made him break. And, most of all, he didn’t know what made him give in. He tried to find an answer, he really did, but he couldn’t find the reasonable one. He wished he was drunk then. Then it could be passed smoothly, but he was completely sober and aware of his actions… or he thought so. Maybe he wasn’t. Maybe he could blame it all on Harry. Maybe Harry put some kind of, sort of, spell on him and made him do it. It wouldn’t be surprising. His name was Harry, after all. But then again, he knew how insane that sounded and of course that wasn’t true, but he was still quite sure he didn’t do that willingly. He wasn’t attracted to Harry in _that_ way. He didn’t want to kiss Harry nor have sex with Harry. That wasn’t him a few hours ago. It just wasn’t. He wasn’t the one to give in so easily. He wasn’t the one how will have something as sex (or as possible as close to it) with someone who hated his guts and, even though he didn’t hate Harry, he didn’t like him that much either and, well, Harry was a jerk. And he didn’t _do_ jerks. He was always going for someone nice and sweet and loving and caring – everything that Harry wasn’t. Okay, Louis knew that Harry wasn’t really that bad and that he just pretended to be like that. But pretending was enough for Louis to not like someone. He hated liars and real life actors and that was truly disgusting to him. He didn’t know what happened to Harry that he acted that way – he really didn’t. And he wished he could find out. It was his mission, after all, but that seemed to be harder to do day by day. It was exhausting. Harry was exhausting. And this… this thing between them didn’t need to both of them because it only made things worse than they already were.

 

He took a deep breath and then took a hold of a swing and started swinging up and down. It was cold again. As the winter was getting closer, the weather was getting worse. But he didn’t mind. Not really. It was kind of nice, sitting on a swing, all alone at nine o’clock in the dark, in the small park. It made his head a bit clearer and he got the time to think about everything. Not that it was helping. He bit his lip and started tapping his foot a little. He felt like a child again, sitting on that swing. He hadn’t done something like this in ages. He always had to be the adult one – what with his career and what with Harry and everything else he had to deal with. It was nice… somehow. Going back in his mind and remembering playing all those times in park before his sisters were even born – when it was just him and his mom and she still wasn’t dating Mark. It was blurry to him because all he knew for were his sisters and Mark and that little time he got to spend with his mother was easily forgotten. But, the truth was, the more he thought about it, the more he discovered. He actually remembered even more than he originally thought he did and that was refreshing. Maybe he even missed those times. Not that he didn’t love his sisters, because he would seriously do anything for them, but it was nice when he was an only child and he got all of his mother’s attention. Now he could barely see her. He missed her… and his entire family. Sometimes he wished he stayed in that small city called Doncaster and maybe went to University and maybe have someone and children and family and maybe he would be happier. Don’t get him wrong, he absolutely loved his job and he wouldn’t trade, he really wouldn’t, but there was always that _what if_ in the back of his mind. His life would be completely different and he would be able to help his now single mom. Like this, he couldn’t do that. The last time he saw his family was two months ago, but his work didn’t let him see them sooner. He promised himself he’d see them sometime this month though. Maybe Jay will have a solution to the problem that was Harry Styles.

 

“Hey.” He lifted his gaze and brown eyes were looking at him with pure concern written all over them. He offered a small smile to Zayn, not really in possibility to do anything else.

 

“Hey.” He whispered and shifted his gaze towards the ground again. Black trainers disappeared in front of his eyes, but he could feel the swing next to his moving from the weight. He knew there was no turning back now. He’d have to talk to Zayn, even though he wasn’t planning on telling him a complete truth. Harry said to him not to tell anyone and he’d respect that – not that he had a desire to tell anyone after all.

 

“Louis. What’s wrong?” Zayn asked worriedly and he could feel his eyes watching him. He looked up again, trying to come with some kind of a solution. He needed to think of something that Zayn will believe in. He wasn’t the best liar, he sucked at it most of the time, but he could come up with decent enough lie that people who didn’t know him well would believe in. Zayn didn’t know him that well and that was the bonus.

 

“I… Well… Nothing special really. Same old, y’know. It’s just Harry being a prick and driving me insane with his antics and acting like a child. And he won’t listen to me at all and he frustrates me to my limits and I can barely handle him at times. It was just too much this time, so I needed a fresh air, I guess.” Zayn’s eyes softened a little and he smiled toothlessly. “But I’m going to stay. I’m not going anywhere, if that’s what you think. He just pisses me off a bit too much sometimes, but I can handle that. Really, I can.” He didn’t know who he was trying to assure – himself or Zayn – but it looked like it was working. Zayn reached and took Louis’ hand in his own and squeezed it assuredly.

 

“You’ll be fine. I know how stupid he can be and he’s pushing everyone’s limits at times and it’s hard to keep up with him, but I believe in you, Louis. Niall and I didn’t pick you just because you were the first person we saw at that bar that night. We truly believed you could do it and maybe we’re wrong, but I don’t think we are. You just need time. Actually, I think you’re starting to get used to him. Am I right or am I right?” Louis chuckled softly and nodded a bit.

 

“Yeah, you’re right. He… well, he’s gotten under my skin and he kind of just stayed there. I don’t know… I’m confused at times. _He_ confuses me. Sometimes I feel like he’s going to kill me and sometimes like he’s finally going to leave me alone – or maybe give in and let me help him. I just want what’s best for him, you know? I don’t want anything else. He doesn’t seem to see that.” He pouted sadly and wiggled his gaze back and forth from ground to Zayn. He didn’t know why he just said all those stuff to Zayn. He didn’t know why he just confessed all of his insecurities and feelings. But it felt good, in some kind of way. It felt good to say something he was holding back inside. Even though Zayn didn’t know what to do exactly, he was a good listener and Louis couldn’t appreciate it more.

*

He took the razor one more time and cut another straight, red line on the inside of his thigh. There wasn’t much blood anymore; it _was_ just the razor after all. It wasn’t like the last time when he went a bit overboard. He couldn’t let himself do that again because Louis will get even more suspicious and he didn’t need suspicious Louis. He didn’t want Louis to worry. He didn’t want… Louis. Another piece of a ripped skin appeared on his thigh. Why did he let himself do that? Why the hell did he kiss Louis? Why did he let himself give… handjob to Louis? What was his problem? Louis would probably leave now and, no matter how much he tried to assure himself that that was exactly what he wanted, he couldn’t. He just couldn’t. Because he enjoyed Louis’ company. Because he enjoyed _Louis_ and just Louis. It was a distraction, an escape from his fucked up world. Somehow, Louis didn’t give up yet. Well, until now at least. He didn’t believe Louis will get back after that – especially because he ran out of the house as soon as he could. Hot tears started streaming down Harry’s face. He always knew how to fuck up. He always knew how to make people run away from him. They never stayed, except from Zayn and Niall, but they were already distancing themselves from him, too. He didn’t want to lose Louis – not now at least. But he made a mistake. He made a huge mistake, but somehow… it didn’t feel like one. He wanted to kiss Louis. Fuck, he would be lying if he said that wasn’t true. Louis was hot. And he was funny. And he was a bit weird and crazy sometimes, but he was also caring and loving and Harry tended to learn that. He never let himself show it though. It was easier if he pretended he hated him.

 

He heard the front door opening loudly and then a _bang_ as they closed. There were loud footsteps coming closer and Harry reacted almost instantly. He lifted himself from the floor and pulled his trousers up his legs and zipped them so, whoever came, wouldn’t see anything. He threw the razor in the bin covering it with few tissues and then got out of the bathroom. The footsteps were getting away again though, so he went towards the kitchen. It was probably Niall or Zayn. They mostly came in without knocking. But when he found himself in the living room, he saw Louis standing there, leaned against the kitchen counter, looking at him right in the eyes. Harry could still feel the tears in his own eyes and he didn’t try to hide them because it was useless.

 

“Harry,” Louis breathed out. He took one step forward. “Harry, what’s wrong?” He asked, his voice cracking a bit at the end. Harry gulped and looked at the floor, putting his hands in the pockets of his trousers. Suddenly, he felt small and weak under Louis’ gaze. It made him feel guilty. He shook his head and closed his eyes for a brief moment.

 

“It’s nothing.” He mumbled, more tears coming down his face. He could hear Louis breathing in sharply and letting out an annoyed huff. Harry didn’t know what he was doing here. He didn’t expect to see him. Then again, maybe he just came by to grab his stuff. That would break Harry even more though.

 

“It’s not nothing, Harry. Don’t lie to me. Please, tell me what’s bothering you.” Harry looked at him brokenly and the concern and sadness he saw in those baby blue eyes didn’t help much at all.

 

“I just… I… Why should I tell you? Why do you even care? I’m nothing. I’m a fucked up case that has no reason to live anymore. Why are you still even trying?” He asked, sounding almost hopeful. He wanted to know the answer. He wanted to know why the hell Louis was still here, caring as always, trying to get the answer out of Harry. And Harry never gave him one. He didn’t want him to know. It was embarrassing, at least in Harry’s head it was, and he didn’t want Louis to suffer along with him. The one side of him wanted Louis to stay just so he could be a bit saner for more time and the other wanted him just to leave and save himself before it was too late. Harry cared about Louis, in some way, and he didn’t want to see him get hurt by himself again. He wouldn’t be able to live with the guilt – he could barely now.

 

“Harry. You’re not a ‘fucked up case’. And you have so many reasons to live. You’re wonderful, Harry. You really are. Maybe you don’t see it and maybe drugs took away that bit from you, but that amazingness and wonderfulness is still there. There, in your heart. I know that, Harry, and I want to bring that back. I want to bring the old Harry Styles back. Why is that so hard to understand? I just want to fix you, Harry. Maybe I don’t know fully what you’re going through, but I know a bit. Please Harry, give me a chance. I’ll do anything that you want. I don’t care what it is, I’ll do it. Please.” His voice was breaking and the pleading in his eyes was unavoidable. Harry couldn’t believe the words that came out of Louis’ mouth. Louis thought that. He really thought that. The words were stuck in his throat, so he just stared at Louis like he was some kind of miracle. He tried to get his voice back and say something, anything. He let out a shaky breath and looked him straight in the eyes.

 

“You would do anything? You would do anything, even if it’s something you don’t want to or can’t do? Fine! Kiss me then. Kiss me like I’m loved. Kiss me tenderly, softly. Kiss me like you mean it. Just kiss me!” Louis was standing there, watching Harry blankly. Harry knew he pushed him away even more now. He knew he scared him away. And he didn’t want to do that. He didn’t want to say that. He wasn’t thinking and now he regretted it. Louis hated him now. He’d probably just-

 

A warm hand pressed onto his jaw, holding it lightly. A thumb ran along side of his cheekbone, catching a tear that was falling down his cheek. Other hand cupped his right cheek and thumb pressed onto his eyelid, catching the tears once again. Then it moved further slowly until its fingers were tangled in his chocolate curls. Blue eyes were becoming closer. The small nose was brushing against his and small, pink lips were just millimetres away from his own ones.  Blue eyes flickered from his eyes to his lips until they fluttered shakily. The head titled to the side a little and pair of lips connected with his own pair slightly, adding just the right amount of pressure to make Harry’s head dizzy. He felt goosebumps all over his body, shivers running down his spine. He kissed back just as softly, wrapping his hands around Louis’ small waist, pulling him just a bit closer. Their chests were touching, every part of them intertwined in some way. Louis pushed his lips a bit harder, making Harry moan into his mouth. Harry opened his mouth just enough for Louis to bring his tongue into Harry’s mouth and brush it lightly against his. Their tongues danced together, both of them finding it hard to breathe. Harry felt Louis shuddering and somehow, that made him feel like he accomplished something because Louis shuddering was a good sign, right?

 

After a few moments, Louis pulled away, resting his forehead against Harry’s, trying to catch his breath whilst his eyes were still closed. Harry opened his eyes just to enjoy the sight of Louis. His lips were red and swollen and his cheeks were flushed and his hair was a bit messy and Harry found himself enjoying the sight more than he should.

 

“Thank you.” He breathed out. Louis opened his eyes and smiled at him, pecking him on the lips one more time. He rubbed his thumb against his cheek and then pulled his hands away from him. It left Harry feeling cold and no, he didn’t wish they’d get back. Of course not.

 

“No problem, Harry.” He stopped for a moment. “In fact, I quite enjoy kissing you.” He smiled wickedly and winked at him which made Harry laugh loudly. He punched him lightly in the shoulder and shook his head in disbelief.

 

“Yeah, well, you’re not a bad kisser, if I’m being honest.” Louis chuckled, the crinkles by his eyes coming onto their full view and Harry found them adorable. Not that he would ever say it out loud.

 

“You’ll be fine, right Harry?” Louis asked, suddenly serious. Harry stared at him for what seemed the longest time. Finally, he breathed out and looked away, not knowing what to stay exactly.

 

“I don’t know, Louis, I don’t know.”


	8. Breaking

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know what to say exactly, so just enjoy I guess. :) xx.

“You won’t leave me, right?” Harry whispered, his head resting in Louis’ lap while Louis was running his hand through his tangled curls. He looked down at him and then smiled. He was better – or it looked like that at least. If nothing, they were getting along somehow. Of course, they couldn’t be even considered friends, but it was going somewhere. Louis hoped that was true. He didn’t want Harry to start hitting him again and everything else he had done in past two weeks. He knew it was just a wishful thinking because Harry was still doing drugs. He was still doing things Louis didn’t even know of and Louis was very aware of the fact that that couldn’t change so soon. In the matter of fact, it was a question if he’d ever change. Louis hoped so. Oh, he hoped so badly. And maybe hope wasn’t something that always came true and maybe he was a fool to hope, but he did anyway. He always had hope for Harry. A man next to him was broken. But ‘broken’ didn’t mean ‘unfixable’. And even though Louis said it to himself thousands of times, he still needed assurance. Every day. Because maybe, just maybe, he wasn’t so sure. Of course he wasn’t. Harry was changing constantly and Louis had no idea what to expect every day. One day, he was in the mood to kill Louis and the other he was like a cuddly little kitten who just wanted a kiss. He was like this today. Again. And Louis would be lying if he said that he didn’t love it quite a bit. He was happy when Harry was at least close to it. So yeah, today was a good day. But then he remembered he has to do a concert in three days and suddenly, he was scared. He was scared of leaving Harry all by himself. He didn’t know what the boy could do. He didn’t know how he’d be able to control him and have him in sight. Of course, there were Zayn and Niall and maybe Liam, but… Well, maybe they’d be willing to help. Louis definitely wanted them to.

 

“Of course I won’t, Harry. Even if you tell me so, I won’t. I’ll always be here.” He said with assurance and the younger man smiled a bit, looking straight into Louis’ eyes.

 

“Thank you.” He said, quiet enough so Louis could barely hear it. A blush appeared on Harry’s pale cheeks and Louis thought that maybe he was embarrassed, but then again, what would he be embarrassed about? Louis decided to let it go. He leaned in instead and pecked the boy’s lips with a hint of a smile. He quite liked kissing Harry. His lips were soft and full and just all around amazing to kiss. So Louis did just that… with Harry’s approval of course. And it seemed like he didn’t mind it at all. It didn’t mean that he liked Harry in that way. He didn’t think much about it. He didn’t want to do that. Maybe it was because he was afraid what he’d discover or just simply because it wasn’t necessary. He’d just continue doing what he was doing before. Nor he nor Harry needed any more complications. Harry only smiled wider, the rare sight of his dimples showing on his cheeks. If Louis found them absolutely adorable, he didn’t say it out loud. “You know… you’re making things easier sometimes. It’s nice.” He said, looking directly into Louis’ eyes and, fuck, Louis liked the words coming out of Harry’s mouth a bit too much. He shouldn’t have felt so proud because really, he didn’t do much. Hell, he didn’t do anything. But the words wrapped around Louis’ heart, attaching themselves onto it and making it impossible to go away. Louis gulped, trying to find the proper words, but he couldn’t find anything that smart to say in return.

 

“I’m glad it’s like that.” He said instead, but it seemed enough for Harry because younger lad closed his eyes and snuggled closer in Louis’ lap and if he felt Louis’ breath hitch, he didn’t say anything.

 

“You’re somehow wonderful.” Harry whispered and at first, Louis thought his ears were playing tricks with him once again, but something told him that Harry did say that. And maybe he felt immediate relief washing over him. And maybe he was satisfied a bit too much by himself. And maybe he shouldn’t attach it to his heart again. But he did. This was rare Harry and Louis loved this one. This Harry was nice and sweet and Louis found that he really wanted to see that one much more. Things were starting to lookup. Even thought he was quite damn sure it wouldn’t last long, he wanted to cherish these moments as much as he could. It was the only thing he could do at the moment.

*

Harry tried. He really, really did. He tried to stay clean. He tried to be himself again. And he tried to make Louis happy. But, the truth was, he was never the strongest person. He could never last for too long. It didn’t matter what kept him trying, pushing, he would always break. This time wasn’t any different. Here he was – sitting in his dark, sad-looking room with the curtains isolating it from the rest of the world, with cocaine in front of him, inviting him. His expression was lifeless. He was watching that sinful thing that ruined his life but not finding it easy to deny the urge to do it again and again and again. He couldn’t be saved. His time had passed a long ago. He was stuck. He was stuck with drugs and alcohol and cutting and nobody could save him. Not even Louis, though he wished that was different. He shook his head, telling himself that he shouldn’t think like that. Without second thought then, he took the rolled piece of paper and snorted the content he already split with his credit card. He closed his eyes and let the bliss take over him. No matter what, he’d always enjoy this. He smiled.

 

 

It didn’t take long. It really didn’t. But, the problem was, Harry didn't expect it. Or, better to say, he didn’t expect to see that. It only took a few minutes for him to get angry at the world again. It had become a regular occurrence. He wanted to break things, fuck Louis mindless, or maybe beat him. He wanted to cut – oh he wanted to cut so badly. But he didn’t do any of that. Mostly because he didn’t have time. It didn’t take long for Louis to walk into the room, only to ask Harry if he needed something from the store. But what Harry saw wasn’t Louis – no, what Harry saw wasn’t Louis he _expected_ to see. Maybe he didn’t exactly know what Louis he’d expected, but to feel that scared, just because of Louis… that was new. His green eyes widened, his mouth fell open. Louis was angry. He looked so, so angry and Harry was scared.

 

“Please don’t hurt me.” He whimpered, taking the step back. His whole body started to shake rapidly, his thin legs started to betray him, but he didn’t break completely – not yet at least. “No. No. Please. Please, I’ll do anything, just don’t hurt me.” Harry pleaded, but Louis only continued moving forward. When Harry reached the wall, he realized he had no place to move anymore. And Louis didn’t listen. He whimpered again.

 

“Harry… I’m not gonna hurt you.” Lie. Lie, lie, lie. He was lying. He was going to hurt him. He was merciless. He was heartless. He didn’t want well for Harry. How could Harry ever think that? Just his face expression was telling him everything.

 

“Leave me alone!” He screamed. “Get away from me! I didn’t do anything to you. I don’t deserve whatever you want to do to me. Please.” He started sliding down the wall, still watching Louis with scared, paranoid eyes. Louis finally stopped walking once he was about a foot away from Harry. He stared at him with what seemed to be worry but Harry didn’t want to believe it just like that. He couldn’t be fooled that easily. Louis wanted to hurt him and that was the only truth.

 

“Harry, calm down. I’m not here to hurt you. I’m here to help you. Harry, it’s still me. I’m the same Louis from an hour ago. I’m not going to do anything to you.”

 

“You’re lying! You’re just lying so you can get even closer to me and then hurt me just like everyone else. So, get away. I don’t want you here.” Harry said, looking at the uncaring blue eyes. Somewhere deep in his mind, there was buried a memory – memory of the crinkled eyes and shiny, bright smile. He didn’t give into it. Just as he thought that Louis wouldn’t give up, he took a step back, nodding curtly. A small ‘okay’ escaped his lips before he turned around and walked out of the room. Harry hugged his legs, looking around the dark room for any more threats – he’d seen none. He was safe. Or, at least, he hoped so. He hoped Louis wouldn’t come to room again. He hoped the buzzing in his ears was soon going to disappear. It was the only thing he could do.

 

He knew that it wasn’t a good thing if he stayed where he was. He knew that he should not be sitting there because then his thoughts could flow freely – and usually, when that happened, shit happened –and Harry didn’t exactly want that. He started to shake his head. He didn’t need to start thinking of them, of him, of her or of anyone from his past. He learned how to put it in the back of his mind. He learned how to ignore it. He learned how to completely forget it. Now, now it was all coming back. He screamed. It was a scream of agony – the scream of pain. Anyone who would hear it would think someone was doing something to him. It was almost the truth because his mind was doing just that. And he couldn’t stop it. Not by himself. He screamed one more time. At least he wasn’t crying. He didn’t need crying. The only thing he was sure he needed to do was that he needed to let it all out.

 

He found himself on the floor, shaking and screaming and trying everything not to _think._ He didn’t need that. Everything was supposed to stay buried. It wasn’t working anymore. Why wasn’t it working? It was supposed to work. It never supposed to come out. Everything was fine until…

 

“HARRY!” A horrified, worried voice came from the doorsteps of his room. It didn’t belong to Louis, Harry was sure. But even though he was sure he had nothing to be afraid of (or his thoughts were telling him so), he was still screaming and rolling and he didn’t think he could stop. The rushed footsteps came close to him and then hands wrapped around his shoulders trying to keep him in place. “Harry, Harry calm down. Harry, please stop. It’s me. Niall. I’m not here to hurt you. Calm down, please.” Harry was listening to the voice. It was caring and worried and Harry didn’t want to worry anyone. Or, at least, not someone who sounded like his friend. He stopped rolling, but shaking didn’t stop. He couldn’t control it. He couldn’t stop it and he didn’t know what to do. He didn’t know if he wanted to shake Niall off and tell him to go away, or if he wanted to give in and let Niall take care of him. He didn’t know who to trust. He didn’t know who was right and who was wrong. He just didn’t know anything and the past was still on the urge of coming back. Harry was a mess.

*

Louis was holding his cup too tightly. His legs were shaking too much. His fear was inevitable. Liam and Zayn were sitting on the couch till he was settled in the armchair. They were all waiting for Niall to come back. They all showed up here just when Harry started screaming. They didn’t know what to do at first, none of them (especially not Liam) ever seeing or hearing Harry act like that, until Niall offered to go in. Louis knew that he couldn’t go. Once he saw that Harry was afraid of him, he backed away. He was almost positive Harry was having a paranoia from the drugs he took and to say that he was a bit disappointed was an understatement. But then again, it wasn’t like he didn’t expect it. It was unavoidable.

 

Finally, after good ten minutes, the door of Harry’s room opened and Niall stepped out of it. His expression was almost unreadable, but Louis could see a bit of worry, just like always. He was on his feet the moment he saw Niall, his eyes asking a question that didn’t have to be said out loud.

 

“He’s… fine. Well, as fine as he can be. I put him to the bed now, though I doubt he’s going to sleep. He was shaking and screaming and rolling on the floor and his ears were covered with his hands like he tried to block something. I don’t know what that was about, but it wasn’t pretty. He definitely took cocaine. I don’t know anymore. Do you think there’s a chance?” He asked, looking directly at Louis. And Louis thought of all those kisses and cuddles and smiles and shining green eyes and enormous vulnerability the boy possessed and he knew the answer.

 

“Yes. Yes, there’s definitely a chance. He just needs time. Believe me, I’ll do anything I can to bring the old Harry back. He isn’t always this bad. I… I think I can do this. Really.” He said and finally sat down again, looking at the floor beneath him, too ashamed to look at the three lads in the room. He didn’t know why though. Maybe it was because he was afraid they could see something in his eyes – something he didn’t want to see either. He made the thought disappear soon enough.

 

“Okay then. I’m glad.” Zayn said and Louis looked up. “I think that maybe you’re getting to him Louis. I think that you’re right. I truly think you can do this. Now I really am glad we picked you.” He chuckled and Louis joined him. He still didn’t quite understand why the boys picked him (even though they explained it to him dozen of times), but he was glad regardless. Then he remembered.

 

“Uhm, there’s… there’s this small little problem, I think.” The three pairs of eyes settled on him, watching him wonderingly. “I, uh, I have a concert for three, now two, days and I won’t be able to watch out for Harry. I have rehearsals tomorrow and on the day of the concert I’m there all day. I mean, I’ve done all the songs and choreography for million of times, but I still need to warm my voice and get through it all and all of that, so I was wondering if one of you could watch out Harry for me? It would mean loads.” The small blush on his face really wasn’t appreciated. Fortunately, the three boys nodded their heads, beaming at him.

 

“’Course we will, Lou.” Liam said. “I mean, I can do that for a friend like you. It’s not a problem at all.” Louis looked at him like he fell from Jupiter, because when did Liam became so sentimental? Didn’t he say that Louis should take care of it on his own?

 

“What has gotten into you today?” His eyebrows were furrowed as he watched Liam almost comically. Liam laughed (and Louis really didn’t expect that) and squeezed Louis’ shoulder – for what, Louis hasn’t had a single clue.

 

“I’m just in a good mood, mate. Nothing special. Don’t worry. We’ll take care of Harry.” And that was enough for Louis to smile too brightly, looking into the space. And no, he definitely was _not_ thinking about Harry’s emerald eyes and dimples and that perfect curly locks and-

 

“Louis.” The voice called him and he snapped out of his trance. He turned to Zayn who looked amused and let out a smiled ‘hm?’ till Zayn laughed. Louis didn’t understand why. “Louis… do you like Harry? I mean, like _like_ him?” Louis’ eyes widened in a comical way and his jaw dropped a bit too open.

 

“What? Of course not! That’s the stupid thing to even think of! Why would you even think that?” His voice was too high-pitched and his body became too defensive and even he felt like he was lying but he really wasn’t because he was telling the truth! Honestly!

 

“Oh come on! That dazzled look right after Liam mentioned Harry? You looked like a puppy in love, for fuck’s sake! Why are you even trying to deny it? I mean, yeah, Harry’s a bit fucked up, but he’s really sweet and nice lad and there’s nothing wrong-“

 

“I don’t like him in that way, okay?” Louis cut him off. “Besides, he’s not even considering me a friend, so cut the crap before I flip.” He leaned against the armchair and crossed his arms across his chest like a little child he sometimes (or often) was. He could see all the three lads rolling their eyes, but they let the subject drop and got back to the lighter themes. Louis liked that.

 

 

Once the lads left, Louis was left alone with Harry. But he didn’t hear him. Hopefully, it’d all go well. So he dragged out his air mattress that still wasn’t quite comfortable, but it was more comfortable than couch, and made himself a bed. Once in his pyjama bottoms and with another cup of tea in his hands, he went to sleep, hoping to get some of it before the exhausting two days ahead of him. Well, more exhausting than usual, at least. He sighed and shifted himself a bit, trying to find a right position (though that was hard). Just as he was about to drift off, he heard the door opening. And then footsteps. It was obvious he was trying to be quiet. What Louis didn’t expect was to feel Harry in front of him. He cracked one eye open and looked at the boy in question. He looked wrecked.

 

“Can I sleep with you?” Louis could only nod. So Harry shuffled under the warm duvet with Louis. And Louis assured himself that the only reason their limbs were tangled and their arms were wrapped around each other was because there wasn’t enough space. But Louis knew it was a lie – not that he would ever admit that.


	9. Spinnin'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, here it is. I'm sorry for such a long delay, but I generally suck at updating, so don't take it personally. This was supposed to be around 1k words longer, but I decided to end it like this because I have no will whatsoever to write more because I'm tired and it's school tomorrow and I'm depressed basically. Hope you enjoy this nonetheless. :) xx.

It was comfortable. For the first time in quite a while, Louis had no trouble sleeping. With the hot body pressed against his own, he could easily fall into a dreamland with the smile on his face. He knew he shouldn’t be happy because Harry suddenly decided to sleep in his bed – on his mattress, okay. But it was kind of hard to ignore the fluttering in his stomach that didn’t seem to stop. He hated it. He wished it would just go away because, the truth was, he didn’t need it. He should concentrate on getting Harry better, not some kind of stupid fluttering and the way his whole fucking face lit up every time Harry did just as much as looked at him and the way he cared maybe too much about him. It wasn’t healthy. Hell, they weren’t even friends. But the line was already crossed and Louis didn’t know if there was a way of going back. He wished there was though.

 

A soft squirming beside him made him lose the track of his thoughts. He felt Harry burying his head deeper in Louis’ chest and mumbling something Louis didn’t understand. The arm that was wrapped around Harry’s long torso started rubbing smoothing circles in the small of his back through his shirt. Harry let out a pleased sigh.

 

“Good morning.” Louis whispered into his curls, kissing them softly and resting his head there, taking in Harry’s oh-so-familiar smell and the heat of his body. He didn’t quite realize how much they were wrapped around each other until now. He wished he didn’t feel so happy about it.

 

“G’d mo’nin’.” Harry murmured into his chest unintelligibly, not making any effort of moving. Still, Louis was supposed to get up soon because of rehearsals and, fuck, he still hadn’t told Harry. The thought of leaving Harry just for two days made him cringe. It wasn’t that he didn’t have faith in other boys of taking care of him, it was just that he wanted to be with Harry 24/7, seeing and knowing everything that was happening to him. It was hard to ignore, hard to let go of the feeling, not matter how much he wanted to.

 

“Harry… I have to get up.” He said quietly, his eyes opened, watching Harry’s sleeping and peaceful figure beneath him. It almost made him forget about everything. Harry cracked one eye open and furrowed his eyebrows in confusion.

 

“Why?” His voice was deeper and huskier than usual and Louis felt like he was about to choke because the melody of Harry’s voice wrapped around him and kept him there. He hated the fact that he was so mesmerized by it. It also didn’t help that Harry looked like some kind of innocent, little angel that Louis felt he needed to protect even more. He gulped.

 

“I, uh, I have rehearsals today. For the concert that’s, uhm, tomorrow. I won’t be here for two days. I mean, I’ll be here for the night, but the other boys will watch over you. I… I’m sorry that I haven’t told you earlier. It was just that I didn’t know how you’ll react and I didn’t know how to tell you and you were a bit lost and-“ His rambling was stopped with a soft pair of lips on his own. He let out a sigh of relief and pressed his lips against Harry’s. He hadn’t realized how much he actually missed kissing Harry and how good it made him feel. He fisted his hands into Harry’s curls, holding him in the place. Even though that, yeah, he should get up, he liked this better. He tugged at his curls and Harry let out a moan that made Louis feel satisfied.

 

“You really have to go?” Harry mumbled against his lips and Louis didn’t try to stop the small smile forming on his face. He opened his eyes and looked at Harry’s pouty presence. He really wished he didn’t have to go.

 

“Yeah. I wish I didn’t have to though. But I wouldn’t be here if my management didn’t give me this month to spend with you. The condition was that I have to do three London concerts and this is the first one, so I really can’t pass.” Harry pouted a little bit more and Louis had an urge to wipe that pout off his face, so he kissed him once again. Fortunately, the smile Louis loved so much replaced the pout. He liked Harry’s smile. He really did and he wished Harry would smile more. So, whatever made Harry smile, Louis will do it. Just feeling him smile was enough and somehow, Louis found himself smiling as well. He wished that Harry didn’t have such of an influence on him sometimes, but, then again, he didn’t wish that all the same. Maybe he had hard time admitting that because, well, they were supposed to be something close to enemies, but they weren’t. They weren’t friends. They were nothing. Louis didn’t need labels – he never did – and he was fine with… whatever this was.

 

“I understand.” Harry said as his lips started travelling down Louis’ jaw and neck and fuck, Louis was falling under Harry’s spell and he was about to give into Harry’s touch that was _burning_ his thigh, but then he remembered that, no, he didn’t have time for this at all.

  
“Harry. Harry, no. I really have to get up.” He heard that Harry let out an annoying and sad sigh against his neck, but stopped regardless. He looked at Louis again, all the mischief from before gone, replaced with unusual seriousness.

 

“I’ll wait for you. Today and tomorrow. If that’s okay with you, of course.” Louis smiled again and nodded almost too excitingly.

 

“That sounds great, Hazza.” With that, he got up and went to the bathroom to finally get ready for the day in front of him. He didn’t need to dress anything special for the rehearsals, so he chose the pair of simple black jeans and a sweater. The winter and cold finally kicked in and it was raining almost constantly, so he had to dress a bit warmer than before.

 

The three lads came by just when Harry and Louis were sitting at the kitchen table, eating cereals and having a small talk. To say that they were surprised was an understatement. At first, Louis didn’t understand why they were so damn shocked, but then he remembered that, well, they never really saw Harry and him acting like this. Usually they were fighting and shouting and whatnot. They were definitely spending way too little time with them together. Louis felt guilty.

 

“What’s going on here and why are you acting like this?” Zayn asked once he was sitting at the table beside Louis, facing Harry’s calm and peaceful expression. Louis liked when Harry wasn’t under the drug influence. It was then that the real Harry showed more and more and Louis liked real Harry a bit too much for his liking. Not that he would admit it to him though. That would just cause more fighting and he liked the way they were now. They didn’t need to go back to their old ways. Or, at least, till they could be normal like this.

 

“Why would anything be going on? We’re eating breakfast, Zayn, and then I’m going to rehearsal and then you’re taking care of Harry, innit?” It wasn’t really a question, but Louis liked to make sure they were on the same page. Niall and Liam joined them afterwards, watching Louis carefully. Louis felt uncomfortable under their gaze. It was too judgemental.

 

“Yeah, yeah, ‘course. Anyways, it’s almost ten o’clock. Aren’t you supposed to be going?” And really, when Louis checked the time on his phone, it was ten minutes till ten and fuck, if he didn’t head out now, he was going to be really late. He cursed under his breath and got off his chair. He said quick goodbyes to everyone before heading towards the door. However, before his hand even reached the knob, the voice stopped him.

 

“Louis, wait.” Harry said and before he knew what was happening, Harry’s hand was around his waist and his lips were on his lips again and his head was dizzy and he was going weak on his knees. He tugged at Harry’s shirt, kissing his breathlessly, before letting go. They stared at each other for what seemed like forever before Louis finally spoke.

 

“I’ll see you tonight. Take care of yourself. Goodbye.” And then he was finally out of the apartment, racing towards his car with an enormous grin on his face.

*

“What the fuck was that?!” Liam asked in disbelief, staring at Harry like he just fell from Mars. But Harry didn’t care. He just kissed Louis in front of everyone. And he felt so smug about it that he couldn’t even hide it. All the boys were staring at him and it was becoming annoying already. He rolled his eyes as he sat back into his chair. Some people just liked to get into other people’s lives too much for his liking. That’s why he didn’t like Liam quite at all. He was too noisy and too afraid of everything. He didn’t really see why Louis was friends with him. Louis was fun when he wanted to be and Liam was just… dull. Harry didn’t like dull people.

 

“What was what?” He asked as he took the cigarettes out of the kitchen drawer. He took one out and lighted it up, despite everyone’s protests – well, expect from Zayn’s. Zayn was cool. And Niall wasn’t bad, but they became annoying bitches once Harry got into the shit. He waited for them to leave him. Well, he waited for Louis to leave him too, but he didn’t want that. Okay, he didn’t want the two idiots of his best friends to leave either, but he prepared himself for that. He had enough of people leaving him in shock and surprise and tears. He didn’t need another one of those.

 

“Why the hell did you just kiss Louis?” Liam asked him, still wide eyed and god how he wished that look on his face was gone. It was seriously frustrating.

 

“Does there have to be a reason? I just kissed him because I wanted to kiss him. And he doesn’t mind, so why the hell not?” He shrugged nonchalantly and looked away, taking a drag of the cigarette, calming him a bit down and making him seem relaxed. He wasn’t really there yet, but he hoped that soon he’ll be better. He wanted to be better. For Louis. Yeah well, an issue of admitting anything out loud was still there.

 

“Of course there has to!” Niall joined in. What the fuck? “You just don’t kiss anyone you want to kiss. And it also looks like you kissed a hell of a lot. What aren’t you telling us?” His cheeks had gotten a bit red and his blue eyes were filled with fury. Harry didn’t see the point in all of this. It was just kissing! It wasn’t like he was harassing him or something. Sometimes he asked himself why he was even hanging out with these people. Maybe he would be better off just with Louis. Then again, he would miss them, he knew. And even though they were an annoying brats more than sometimes, he loved them. Zayn and Niall were like his family and they still didn’t leave him and Harry didn’t want them to leave. He took a few deep breaths and one drag of cigarette before opening his mouth again.

 

“We just kiss, okay? Nothing more. We’re not even friends. We just like kissing each other and it’s calming and it makes me feel wanted, if you really want to know. There’s nothing more to it. So just… let it go. Let us do whatever we do and let us have whatever we have because I swear that there’s no problem. We don’t talk about it. We just go with whatever feels right. Is that so hard to understand?” He looked them all dead in the eyes, waiting for someone to disagree with him again. It wouldn’t surprise him. But Niall’s eyes lost their fury and Liam’s face softened (he still didn’t like him) and he smiled a bit, nodding.

 

“Okay. Whatever you say. But make sure to tell us if something important happens. We don’t want to worry about what’s going on or be clueless. That’s not much to ask, yeah?” Even though Harry didn’t like the request all that much, he still agreed. He could give them that much, right? But he doubted there will happen anything more than kissing with him and Louis, no matter that, deep, deep down inside he wanted more. He couldn’t admit that to anyone though. Everyone would tell him that he was crazy because he didn’t stand a chance. Louis could have anyone he wanted to have. Of course he wouldn’t choose fucked up, drug-addict Harry Styles. And even thought that maybe that thought made his heart ache, he ignored it.

 

“Hey lads? Can I ask you something?” He asked out of blue. Liam and Zayn were having their own conversation, laughing and smiling at each other and Niall was just eating some burrito he brought with him. They all looked up, a bit fazed and confused.

 

“Yeah, sure.” Zayn said, nodding along. Harry closed his eyes, preparing himself for a request that was about to leave his lips. He couldn’t believe he’d really do that, but something was changing in him – Louis was changing him – and he wanted to do something right. At least for this time being.

  
“Can you try to keep my away from drugs? At least for these two days.” He opened his eyes. “Do whatever you need to, no matter how much I go crazy or how much I plead. Please, promise me that.” His voice turned into a whisper at the end. They all stared at him with blank expression on their faces. Maybe they expected him to say he was joking or something, but he never felt more vulnerable. He never felt more exposed to the world and faces around him. And even though he didn’t want it all to show, somehow he was satisfied as well. Maybe, like this, they’d take him seriously for once.

  
“Y-yeah, of course. We’ll do our best. Promise.” Zayn smiled at him and Harry could see something in his eyes – something that looked a lot like pride. Harry didn’t think it was something to feel proud of. He knew he was going to get back to his ways. And he also knew it was going to get ugly once he went without drugs for a few hours. He shivered just at the thought.

  
“Thank you.” He said, looking down at the table and blushing from embarrassment. It was weird to him to say that. ‘Thank you’. Those were the words he didn’t say often – or at least he didn’t use to. But now, it looked like his ways were changing. _Louis_ was changing them. Harry decided that he liked that.

*

Rehearsals were going fine. Of course they were. He’d sung these songs millions of times and it would be quite weird if he got something wrong. There was only one new song – and it was a cover. It was funny how well he connected with it and how good it felt singing it. There was an ache in his stomach when he did though and he knew why. He had a hard time admitting it though because it shouldn’t be about Harry. He shouldn’t have been thinking of him while he sang it. No matter that maybe he was the most emotional then or that his voice was powerful enough to make people really _listen._ It was just too much. It was too overwhelming to think of the curly haired lad that was waiting for him. He was waiting for him. Well, Louis definitely hoped so. He only had an hour to go and he was more excited of going home to Harry than anything else. He sang the last set. He danced as best as he could. He gave all he had. And everyone was satisfied, congratulating him and telling him how great tomorrow show’s going to be. Louis believed them. He was confident in himself enough right now and he had faith, even if it maybe wasn’t like that at the very beginning of his career.

 

Once he greeted everyone, he was out on the freezing night’s air, racing to his car again, wanting to come home as soon as possible. Boys texted him saying everything was fine an hour ago and that they’d leave around eight pm. Which meant that Harry was alone for exactly five minutes. It would be weird if Louis wasn’t getting anxious. Of course he was. Harry alone scared him because he didn’t know what he might do. It wasn’t that he didn’t have faith in Harry because he did. He could stay alone without doing anything stupid, right? He was that strong. Louis’s assured himself as he hopped into a limo and his driver started driving him towards Harry’s flat. It didn’t matter that his palms were sweaty. Harry was fine. If he wasn’t, he would know, right? He would text him. Louis needed to believe in that because if he didn’t, he had nothing to lean onto. Faith was all he had left.

 

Fifteen minutes later, he was jumping out of the limo and almost running towards the apartment. Once he was in front of the right door, he pulled them open and looked around. It didn’t take him long to see Harry. He was curled up against the opposite wall, shaking like a leaf on a thick autumn wind. Louis ran towards him immediately, kneeling in front of him.

 

“Harry? Harry, what’s wrong?” He looked at the oh-so-familiar emerald eyes. They were so, so green and so, so wild and so, so scared. Louis didn’t know what to do. He didn’t know what was happening, but he hoped it wasn’t what he thought it was.

 

“I-I didn’t took drugs whole day, I-I need them. Oh god I need them so much. But I don’t want them. I wan to stay clean. For you.” He stopped to choke down a sob. “Please help me, Lou.” His voice was so broken and fragile and Louis thought he was about to burst into tears too. He wrapped his arms around younger boy’s frame tightly and held him there – just held him because, after all, that was all that the two men needed. Each other’s embrace was enough for now.


	10. Suffering

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't really know what I think about this chapter. I wrote what I felt like writing at the moment, so this is how it turned out. And I decided to put some parts in other chapter again. So yeah, thought you should know. Also, I want to thank everyone for liking this and leaving comments and everything, it means a lot. :) Enjoy! xx.

It wasn’t a surprising decision – not really. Everyone knew that Harry wouldn’t last long without Louis and that Louis would worry too much about Harry just to let him stay alone for another day. So it was settled. Harry went with Louis at the rehearsals that day. After the night full of confessions and comforting, both of the boys weren’t ready to leave each other’s side. Harry became more attached to Louis than he already was and Louis just felt like he needed to watch the boy even more. So, here they were, behind the stage, waiting for Louis to be called on the same one. They were sitting on the couch, staring at the blank wall in front of them, their hands intertwined.

 

“Are you sure you’ll be fine once I go on stage?” Louis asked quietly, not daring to look at the green eyes that were now burning holes into the side of his head. They were brighter than usual – they seemed to have more _life._ Louis knew that Harry didn’t feel like that though.

  
“Yeah. Yeah, I will be. After all, I can still see and hear you and that’s better than nothing.” Louis could feel him smiling a bit, so he turned his head around to see that gorgeous smile. And it was there. And it wasn’t the first time it made Louis’ head spin. Sometimes Harry’s whole appearance made Louis’ head spin – more so than not. He smiled as well, tightening the grip on their fingers, trying to assure Harry that yes, he was there, no matter that Harry might’ve known that. Harry kissed him then – the soft kiss that proved that he knew. It was all the assurance Louis needed. It was the only thing he needed before going on that stage. He cupped Harry’s cheek with his hand and stroked the thumb against his cheekbone till Harry’s hand that wasn’t intertwined with his own got the grip of Louis’ hair. The kiss got more heated, their mouths parting, their tongues dancing together. It was an understatement they didn’t hear the door opening.

 

“Louis?!” The squeaky, female voice came behind them. They parted immediately. Louis’ wide eyes looked at her, still trying to catch his breath. The first thing got to his mind was ‘Oh shit’ because yes, it really was ‘Oh shit’. It would maybe even be better if someone who was a part of his management was there because, holy shit, he had a lot more explaining to do right now. He definitely didn’t expect to see his own mother standing there.

 

“M-mum?” He managed to choke out. Jay looked furious and shocked and baffled with herself at the same time. Harry wasn’t any better though. He let go of Louis’ hair, but didn’t let Louis’ hand go. It made Louis feel safe. Oh, how roles have changed all of the sudden.

 

“Damn right I’m your mum. Is this the way you greet your mother? Making out with your boyfriend that you didn’t even tell me you have? I know we don’t hear a lot, but for Christ’s sake, you tell your mother when you’re in relationship with someone-“

 

“Mum-” Louis tried to stop her.

 

“But no! You just do what you think it’s right, not even thinking about your own family. I want explanations, mister!” Her hands were settled on her hips, just adding to her ‘I’m your mother and I am really mad at you right now’ look. Louis gulped.

 

“Mum, please. It’s- It’s not like that, okay? I mean, Harry and I… we’re not in a relationship.” He stopped for a second. “I’m seeing you after god knows how long and we’re going to fight?” He asked, raising his eyebrows in a questioning matter. Jay’s expression softened almost instantly and the smile broke through it, making Louis feel easier. She walked towards them then and hugged Louis so tightly he could barely breathe. It was then that Louis and Harry stopped their hand holding, Louis wrapping his freed arm around his mother.

 

“Oh baby, I missed you so much. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to react like that. I’m so glad I can finally see you.” Louis closed his eyes, the smile on his face so bright that it could light up the whole world.

 

“I missed you too, mum.” He said simply and cracked one eye open to see Harry smiling at both of them, his eyes warm and heart filled. It made Louis warmer inside. He didn’t try to fight the feeling, like usual. He finally could hug his mother and the person he cared about so much was here too and it could hardly get better than this.

 

“Girls are going to be here tonight as well. Your aunt insisted on having them for a day, so they’ll be here a bit later.” She said when they finally separated. Louis nodded enthusiastically because those girls meant the world to him and he couldn’t wait to finally see them. Maybe it was better that they were coming later because he really didn’t have time for them now. He had to be on stage in less than five minutes. “Louis, would you mind introducing us?” It was then that Louis noticed that Jay was eyeing Harry suspiciously. Louis bit his lip and looked back and forth between the two people that meant so much to him. He didn’t know how he would explain their situation to his mother because he, himself, didn’t really get it, so he hasn’t had a clue how to say it all to her. It was definitely a task.

 

“Well, uhm, mum, this is Harry. Harry this is my mother Jay.” Harry smiled up at her and offered his a bit shaky hand to shake. Jay took it into a strong grip, a little smile barely reaching his eyes. They exchanged their respective ‘Nice to meet you’s, but the whole situation was somehow awkward. “I, erm, I need to go to the stage now. If you want, you two can go to the audience. It’ll be nice to have familiar faces there to watch me.” He stood up then, watching both of them carefully. He was afraid they would do something to each other. Or Jay to Harry, at least. Louis didn’t understand why she kept giving him _that_ look. After all, Harry had done nothing to her – she didn’t even know him. But Louis decided not to question it. They’d have plenty of time to talk. It’d all be fine once it was all settled. Yeah, he definitely believed that.

*

It was itching. Most of all, it was painful. Harry was screaming inside – he barely held it in there. His whole body felt weak and his mind became even blurrier than when he used _them_. He couldn’t function. He needed them. He wished it was different. He wished that he could change everything, he really did, but he couldn’t, so here he was. He couldn’t stop scratching his arms. They itched so badly and even though he knew he was making the situation only worse, he couldn’t stop. He also couldn’t ignore Jay’s stare. She was watching him so carefully and judgementally. He didn’t blame her though. She caught him kissing her own son and it was clear as day he wasn’t the most stable person to be around – or to be with, for that matter. But Louis made it clear. They weren’t together. They weren’t friends. They were just something. They could also be nothing. Harry had his inner fights – to care or not to care. He always chose the latter, but now, he wasn’t so sure about what to do.

 

This was the first time Harry was listening to Louis sing live. Sure, he heard some of his songs, though he never gave them much attention, nor to his voice. But now, now he got to hear Louis Tomlinson in all of his glory. And he was magical. His voice was mesmerizing and so angelic that it drew you in, in every way possible. Harry found himself closing his eyes at one particular moment, and smiling, forgetting about itching for a couple of seconds. It was filling his ears, wrapping inside of him, holding itself there. And Harry wasn’t sure he wanted to lose the melody of Louis’ voice, ever. It was something he wanted to stay with him. It was something he wanted to wrap into a brindled paper and keep it all to himself, even though he knew thousands of people would hear it for only a few hours and millions already did.

 

“You like him, don’t you?” A soft, yet harsh female voice said. And Harry didn’t need to be a genius to know it was Jay, even though he wasn’t looking at her. Still, his head turned towards her in shock, eyes wide from fear and terror. That was stupid thing to say! Of course he didn’t like Louis. Not in that way, at least. A few kisses shared here and there didn’t mean anything. Smiles and longing touches were just a sight of their unusually good relationship without feelings involved. And care they felt for each other was the way friends cared. So no, Harry definitely didn’t like Louis in that way.

 

“What? No! I mean, he’s a great guy and he really helped me a lot, still does, but I don’t- I don’t _like_ him in that way. Y-you don’t have to worry, I-“

 

“Harry, please, stop embarrassing yourself. I can see it, you know. I’m a mother, I need to see those kind of things.” She looked at Louis then, her gaze staying there as she continued to speak. “Even though it may seem like that… I don’t hate you, Harry. I only know you for two hours after all and I can’t judge you. But… you’re looking at my son in that special way and if you’re in love with him just as much as I see it, or even more, then I have no right to keep you apart. I know that your life and your relationship is not my business, but I can tell you, Harry, that my Louis cares and is in love with you just as much as you are with him. Believe me when I say it because I know my son and I know how he’s acting when he’s in love. Don’t be afraid. I can only imagine how hard this time must be for you, but I just wanted to let you know that it’s alright.” She looked back at him and smiled a little, nodding along. Harry stared at her for a few moments, unmoving. He didn’t know what to say. He didn’t know what to do. She couldn’t supposedly be right. He… he wasn’t in love. There wasn’t such thing as love. At least not for him. And Louis couldn’t be in love with him. Why would he? He could have anyone in the world. He wouldn’t pick some drug addict who’s in too deep shit to get out of it. “Love doesn’t choose, Harry. It happens. And it happened to both of you. Something as magical as that doesn’t happen so often. Embrace it then.” He didn’t even realize he said all of that out loud.  His face started to burn hot from embarrassment. He looked down and bit his bottom lip, trying to fight a smile.

 

“Thank you.” was all he whispered. Because, even if he tried to find the words to say, they wouldn’t be connected and wouldn’t make much of a sense. It seemed that it was enough for Jay though. They continued watching Louis rehearse in silence. There were plenty of words unshared and plenty of problems unsolved, but they let it go. After all, now, it was about Louis. Louis, the boy who put his heart of on stage. Louis, the boy who crawled into Harry’s life when he needed it the most. Louis, the boy who stayed. Harry smiled brightly at him then and Louis looked his way and smiled back. The world was falling into a place again.

 

 

Once Louis’ sisters finally arrived, it was an incredible mess. There was screaming and laughing and crying and everything was a happy place and Harry liked it. He was standing by the side, watching Louis interacting with his sisters, hugging and kissing them. They were all alike. It was kind of hard to guess that they were Louis’ sisters because they did look a lot different than him. And then, somehow, they didn’t. Their personalities were so alike that Harry sometimes didn’t know if it was Louis or twins shouting. He was smiling the whole time though. Seeing Louis acting so childish and carefree made Harry feel somehow better. He tried to forget about the pain and itching and his need, but it was hard. So, so hard. Yeah, watching Louis and his sisters was helping a bit – it was a good distraction – but there was always that need in the back of his mind and it just wouldn’t go away. Harry wanted to cry. He was alone in this. He probably could ask Louis for help, but that would mean separating him from his own family. Harry wasn’t the first person in his plans now. He didn’t see his family for such a long time and Harry understood – he really did. So he left them alone. The bathroom will do the thing. And maybe, the razor in his pocket will help as well. Without the drugs, he needed at least something to keep him in focus. He needed something so he can be _there._ He knew people wouldn’t understand. He tried to explain it, once, but it’s gone badlyso he just stopped. Nobody needed to know about his second addiction. It was enough that they knew about the first one.

 

His hands were shaking more than usual. He could barely hold the razor straight. He tried to calm himself down, but he knew it wasn’t just that. If he didn’t get drugs soon, he’d start going insane. But he didn’t want to. He wanted to keep being clean for Louis. It wasn’t that easy though. He leaned against the wall and rolled his shirt up. He always wore the long-sleeved ones, never letting the scars show. He picked the place on the stomach where there were already multiple cuts and cut the straight line there. He kept going from there, gulping just a bit. But he closed his eyes and he let the feeling overwhelm him. It was good. This was good. It was helping – it always did. And maybe people didn’t understand. Maybe they didn’t want to understand. But it was one of the things that kept him in check. He had a control, power over something. He controlled how deep he’ll cut, how much he’ll cut and that was good. He never tried to stop. He never thought of it as _wrong._ It was something he did so often, it almost became a part of him. Nobody knew – nobody should ever know.

 

Once he was done, he threw the razor in the bin. It was useless to keep it when he had so many of them in a flat. He washed his hands and rolled his shirt down. He didn’t bother with cuts. They never really bleed too badly anymore, so he didn’t have to worry about the stains. One look in the mirror told him he looked worse than ever. He was pale. Really, _really_ pale. He was sure he was never paler before. And his hands were shaking slightly. And his eyes were unfocused and glassy. And he had these big circles under his eyes. He looked like he was dying which was exactly how he felt. He let out a shaky breath and gulped. This wasn’t how he wanted to look like. And he knew he was like this for a long time – or at least close to it. He just never took a closer look.

 

So, what he didn’t understand was, how could Louis see anything in him if he was like this? He couldn’t possibly be in love with someone who looked like him. His mother must’ve been wrong. It was the only explanation that made sense. Because Harry was a mess and Harry was drained and there was nothing Louis could possibly see in him. Jay must’ve been wrong. It probably wouldn’t be for the first time.

 

Just when he closed the bathroom door, he noticed Louis leaning against the opposite wall. It took him by surprise, so he jumped a little. Louis raised one eyebrow at him until he started laughing. Harry could do nothing but to join him. He knew he could be silly sometimes and it was good to laugh at your own silliness from time to time, Harry decided.

 

“Since when are you afraid of me?” Louis asked in a joking matter and Harry just shrugged, the half-smile still playing on his lips. Louis always knew how to make him feel better, even if he didn’t know he was doing so. Sometimes just his enthusiasm was working. Sometimes just seeing Louis smile was working. Harry liked that it was as simple as that.

 

“I’m not. Just surprised me is all.” He knew that Louis knew that, but he still felt an urge to tell him. The show time was getting closer, the crowd was getting louder and he could see that Louis was almost jumping from adrenaline. “Good luck out there, Lou.” He added and the man in front of him smiled brightly and hugged him tight, like those words meant everything. Harry couldn’t see why they would.

 

“Thank you. You’ll watch me from backstage though, right? Promise you’ll never leave.” He whispered softly into his ear. The action sent shivers down Harry’s spine. He wasn’t sure he liked the feeling all that much. It meant things and that didn’t mean something good. It never did.

 

“Yes. Yes, of course I will. And I promise. I promise, Lou.” He hugged Louis even tighter and closed his eyes. Louis smelled on flowers and fruit and Harry guessed he was wearing a perfume. He liked it. When Louis finally let go, he pressed his lips against Harry’s and it already became natural that it stopped being surprising.

 

And after that, he headed towards the stage.


	11. Quicksand

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was supposed to be uploaded sooner, but school and some problems of mine got in a way, so I'm giving you the chapter only now. Also, this is long in comparison to other chapters, so like... I hope you enjoy because I really enjoyed writing this. :) Also, I listened to Quicksand by Bridgit Mendler and Beneath Your Beautiful by Labrinth and Emeli Sande (which is the song mentioned in chapter as well) whilst writing this, so suite yourself. :) xx.

Even though Harry saw Louis perform at rehearsals and even though he was quite sure he saw everything there was to see, nothing could top the way Louis performed in front of the crowd. It was like every little thing awaked in him and he was _alive._ The biggest grin was plastered on his face the whole time. His voice was strong and it held just the right amount of confidence. It’d break at the right points so it just sounded _right._ He moved across the stage like he belonged there. He danced in his special way and even if he wasn’t the best dancer in the world, it still looked spectacular. If you were to ask Harry though, everything Louis did was spectacular. But, there was just something about Louis on stage – Louis performing for all of his fans. The sight made Harry’s eyes glassy and his heart filled with pride. He could see why Louis was so famous and loved. He was absolutely an amazing performer, he was more than good looking, he was fearless and, on top of it all, he had a great personality. Media loved him, fans loved him. He wasn’t like Harry. He didn’t fall under the pressure. He didn’t find that bad company that ruined him. He was himself and he faced everything there was to face. He wasn’t so breakable. Maybe it was because he’d gone through all of that, just like he told Harry, so he knew better. Or maybe he just hid it better than Harry. After all, he didn’t, couldn’t, know Louis so well to know these kind of things.

 

Jay was just giving him a knowing look from time to time, a small smile on her face. She knew exactly what Harry felt and it was comforting, in some way. It was good to have someone who could see at least something because, no matter how hard Harry tried to deny it, he had feelings for Louis and if Louis was oblivious to them, his mother will be more than enough. Now he had someone to talk to about it and that thought made him smile. He still had hard time admitting everything to himself though. Everything was confusing and he wished he would stop thinking about it so much. So he tried to focus on Louis and only Louis. It wasn’t that hard. It was the end of the concert, only one more song left that he didn’t rehearse. Harry didn’t know why. Only explanation he gave him was that he rehearsed it enough. Harry didn’t quite believe that was the only reason.

 

“So, this will be the last song for tonight and it means a lot to me. I’ve found myself in a situation with this one person and, even though this is just a cover, it describes that particular person perfectly. I hope you like it.” It was the last thing he whispered before the song started.

 

It hit Harry like a train. The words, the meaning, the emotions. He was speechless. He knew the song, of course he did, but hearing Louis singing it just after that speech, it meant so much more. Because Louis meant it. Louis sang it to _him._ Louis gave his whole soul into the song and it was because of _him._ He didn’t know when he started crying. He didn’t really care though. His vision was blurred and he was shaking even more than before. He felt two arms wrapping around him and from the corner of his eye, he could see it was Jay. “What have I told you?” She said quietly to him, her eyes still fixated on Louis, just like Harry’s. Harry didn’t answer. He couldn’t find his voice and he was quite sure nothing smart would come out of his mouth anyways.

 

From that moment on, he knew what he felt for the boy in front of him. One song, one meaningful song, had turned everything inside of him upside down. He would lie if he said he didn’t like it.

 

 

Harry pulled Louis into the crushing hug the moment he was off the stage. That was the only way he could show how he felt at the moment. He nuzzled his head into Louis’ neck, chanting endless ‘thank you’s and trying not to squeeze him too tight. After a few seconds, Louis wrapped his arms around Harry as well, getting on his tiptoes to put his head in Harry’s shoulder. Harry could feel him smiling as he responded with “It was all for you.” Harry didn’t need that. He didn’t need Louis saying that because he just started sobbing harder. Everything was getting to him. He didn’t even know why he was crying anymore. He didn’t know if it was just because Louis had done this or everything he was holding inside exploded like fireworks. He already knew the answer.

 

“Hey, shhhh. Don’t cry. It was nothing really. I just wanted to show you that I care and that I’m here, always, and that you have me for whatever and whenever.” He whispered softly into his ear, rubbing smoothing circles in the small of his back. It calmed Harry a little, but the hurt, love, fragility… it was all still there. So he held Louis tight. He didn’t want to let go. Louis was the only comfort he could find – the only person he didn’t want to lose completely.

 

“Thank you.” He repeated one last time before letting out another river of tears. Louis didn’t complain. He held him just as tight, letting him get it all out. Harry was grateful. He was grateful for such an amazing human being that always seemed to know what to do, even if it was just to hold him. He was aware of the eyes of Louis’ family on them. He was aware of screaming that never seemed to fade away. He was aware that they were the centre of everyone’s attention, but he didn’t care. He didn’t care for anyone or anything but Louis. He didn’t mind the screaming like he usually did and he didn’t mind whispers that were surrounding him like it usually did. It was all fine while he was in Louis’ arms. Sometimes, simple gestures like those were enough to block out the world. He didn’t need anything more at this moment. It was perfect like that. Louis made him feel safe and sound. And he couldn’t be more grateful that he was there and that it was Louis. Harry wouldn’t have it any other way.

*

They were celebrating. It wasn’t something big, no. Louis wouldn’t let it be. They were in his and Harry’s flat, all the five boys sprawled on the floor, beers in their hands. Louis spent two hours with his family, mostly mum, aunt and the oldest sister because the three other sisters had to go to the bed earlier. It was nice. Louis enjoyed it a lot. After all, he hadn’t seen them in what seemed like the longest time so to say that he was extremely glad that he got the chance to have a long chat with them was an understatement. His mum and sisters were sleeping in his flat, seeing as they had enough space without him there. He thought of staying with them, but his mum assured him that Harry needed him more and that they’d be fine. He knew that was true so he left them. They were going to spend a week in London before going back home. Louis looked forward to the times with them. He really did miss them – more than he even realized.

 

He turned his head on the side to look at Harry. The other boys were chatting about nothing too important, so Louis didn’t really pay any attention to it. After the emotional trainwreck Harry had after his concert, Louis felt even more connected to him. He didn’t know why or how, but he did and he wasn’t sure he wanted to let the feeling go.

 

“You okay?” He asked quietly. Harry turned his head to look at him as well and gave him a smile that showed one of his dimples. He nodded.

 

“Yeah. Yeah, I am. Don’t worry. I’m better than before.” Even though Louis believed Harry’s words, he could still see the redness of his arms and his legs that looked weaker than usual. Louis knew the cause of it and somehow, he felt guilty. He was the one trying to take Harry’s addiction away. And Harry was now suffering. No, he knew it was better if Harry got away from drugs completely, he just felt like he was the one causing the pain Harry shouldn’t have been feeling. He wanted to fix that, but he didn’t know how. He was quite sure Harry will reject going to rehab, just like always. Louis wished he would just give in, but Harry was still a very uneasy and insecure person and that couldn’t change just like that – he knew that much. He pulled Harry by the sleeve then and wrapped one arms around him. He closed his eyes and breathed in. “What are you doing?” He could feel the confusion in Harry’s voice and he smiled. It was adorable. Harry was adorable. More often than not.

 

“Just… relax, yeah?” Harry melted into his touch. The boys didn’t pay much of an attention on them. It wasn’t weird. It wasn’t uncomfortable. It was the opposite, actually. They found the comfort they needed so much in each other. Nothing else was needed. Nothing else mattered. With their arms wrapped around each other, they had and felt everything they needed. It was right. It was _home._ Maybe Louis still had the hard time admitting that it was like that – that he found the second home in Harry – but he stopped denying it. It was useless anyway.

 

“Should we leave you two alone or what?” Zayn’s voice came from behind Louis and Louis wished he could just say ‘yes’ but he knew that would be rude and mean, so he just shook his head. He wished he could be alone with Harry but their friends were rarely here as well, so Louis couldn’t just throw them out. Even though he could be a right bitch, he was still nice and polite. So even though he would much rather be alone with Harry, Zayn, Niall and Liam were always welcome in their flat and they had every right to stay here as long as they pleased. It was Harry’s flat after all.

 

“If you really mean that…” Niall said and got back to conversation that the three lads held. Harry shifted under Louis’ arm a little, till his head was on top of Louis’. Louis felt small all of the sudden, but he didn’t have a reason to complain.

 

“Why didn’t you just shoo them out?” Harry murmured into his hair and Louis was more than surprised by the question. He furrowed his eyebrows, but not raising his head because he quite enjoyed the position they were at.

 

“Did you want them out?” Louis asked into Harry’s jumper. Harry hummed into a respond, sounding like a little kitten. Louis liked that sound a lot. “Well, I didn’t know. It’s too late now though.” Maybe Louis should’ve been a bitch after all. Harry tightened the grip on his shirt and buried his head deeper into his hair. Louis liked it.

 

“Guys? Can you please leave?” Harry said and it took Louis by surprise more than anything. Okay, Harry could be rude and he could snap when he wanted to, but that usually happened when he consumed drugs. Now, well, he was politer, that was for sure, but Louis didn’t expect him just to ask them to leave. Maybe it was getting close to one o’clock and maybe he really wanted to spend some alone time with Louis, but it was still something Louis didn’t quite expect. He guessed he’d learn new things about Harry Styles day by day – like he hadn’t learned enough already.

 

The conversation they were having stopped almost immediately and Louis could feel that all three pairs of eyes were on them. “Uh, yeah, sure.” Zayn said as they all started to stand up. “I’ll see you soon. Take care. Good night.” Niall and Liam said their respective goodbyes before they were all out of the apartment. Louis heard Harry muttering ‘finally’ and he chuckled. Sometimes Louis couldn’t understand Harry at all.

 

“Lou?” Harry asked, his voice on the normal volume once they were alone in the flat. Louis opened his eyes and looked up to meet the pair of green ones.

 

“What is it?” His voice was a little hoarse from singing, so it came off more cracked, but Harry didn’t seem to take it to the notice. Before Louis could wrap his head around what was happening, Harry’s hand grabbed the back of his neck and they were kissing. And Louis thought Harry wanted to do that for a long time. Because Louis could feel everything. Every fibre of his being was burning with want. Every little muscle in his body was aching for touch. Everything in him was on fire. And he hadn’t known, wasn’t sure, how Harry managed to do that. Because no one else did. No one every made him feel like this – but oh how he loved it. He never wanted the feeling to go away. So he grabbed the front of Harry’s jumper and pulled him closer, so their bodies were flushed together. Soft sigh left Harry’s lips and once they were opened, Louis pushed his tongue further into Harry’s mouth, the kiss not being as soft as before. Louis needed Harry more than he needed anything else in the world. Louis needed Harry like he needed the air to breathe and maybe it sounded cliché, but Louis didn’t care at the moment. Because Harry was Harry and Harry was there and he may go mad if he didn’t have him.

 

He took the firmer grip on Harry’s jumper and pushed him down, climbing on top of him and straddling his hips. His hands travelled up and down his long torso, feeling lanky bones underneath. He was so, _so_ thin and so, _so_ unhealthy looking and Louis found the sting in his heart just as he thought about it. And no, he wasn’t just about to back away because he knew Harry was like this – he just never took further notice. He grabbed the edges of the jumper and he was about to pull it over Harry’s head when Harry suddenly unattached their lips and furiously removed Louis’ hands with his own. Louis’ eyes opened in confusion. Harry looked scared and hopeless and self-conscious. He was pulling his jumper down as far as he could. Louis couldn’t understand why.

 

“Harry? Why did you stop?” Harry was looking anywhere but at him and that made Louis feel uneasy and unsure. He didn’t know what has gotten into Harry. Everything was fine seconds ago and then… he just stopped. Did Harry didn’t want him? He found himself cringing just as he thought about that. He wasn’t sure he could handle if it was that.

 

“I… I just can’t, Lou.” His voice was nothing more than an insecure whisper. Louis could see the sprinkling of tears in the corner of his eyes and he just wanted to wipe them away. But he wasn’t sure what to do next because Harry was closing in again. He was putting his walls up one more time. Just when they came to the point where Louis could actually see everything, he was doing it again. Louis couldn’t let that happen.

 

“Don’t you… don’t you want me?” His mouth spoke before he could think so when he asked that question, he surprised himself as well. Harry’s eyes shoot up to meet his the second that question left Louis’ lips. They were surprised, but they also held the glimpse of guilt. Or maybe Louis’ eyes were just playing with him.

 

“No. No. I do, Louis, believe me. But I just… I can’t, okay?” One tear left his eyes and Louis knew it was serious. But just the thought of stopping now… of never knowing what was bothering Harry so much… it made him want to find out and not give up even more. He wanted to help Harry, just as always. He wanted to make him feel better because he never wanted to see him sad. Maybe it was stupid thing to hope for, but it was there and he couldn’t just throw it away.

 

“Please, Harry, please. Tell me what’s wrong.” He pleaded, their eyes locked so Harry could see everything in Louis’. And Louis’ could see everything in Harry’s. So he didn’t miss when they began to soften and when the walls came crashing down once again. He gulped and nodded slowly. Louis stared at him for a while before getting his fingers back to the edges of Harry’s jumper. Harry spread his hands, suddenly moving his gaze from Louis to the ceiling. Louis could feel Harry’s heart beating rapidly and just like that, he knew he was just as much nervous as he. Slowly, he started pulling his jumper up. Slowly, he started to see everything. Slowly, he started to see everything Harry was really trying to hide. Slowly, he saw more of _Harry_ than he ever did before. He felt the lump forming in his throat. He wasn’t able to swallow it.

 

Scar after scar. Scar on scar. Some old, some new ones. On his stomach, on his wrists, on his forearms. It was painful for Louis just to watch. He examined every one carefully. There were small, there were deep ones. There were bright red ones, dark red ones or just little pink lines. It was terrifying. “Oh my god…” He muttered to himself but he knew Harry caught his words. He could feel his stare on him, but he couldn’t stop looking at the scars to look at him properly.

 

“I know. There’s more.” He said simply and it was then that Louis met his eyes again.

 

“Why?” He knew it was a stupid question. He knew it was useless to ask because he knew the answer. He burned his skin before, so asking Harry why he cut was like asking a person with a drink in their hands if they were drinking. But it was different from watching it rather than doing it yourself. So Louis acted dumb, even if he knew the reason – or most of it anyway.

 

“Because… It’s easier. It’s easier to take every bit of your pain on yourself once again. It hurts. It numbs the pain while you’re doing it. And you think it’ll help, but it really doesn’t. It only makes things worse, but… once you start, there is no going back.” Louis kissed him then. He kissed him with all he had – all he knew. He couldn’t say anything, but he could show it at least. His lips left Harry’s and before he knew what he was doing exactly, they were on his forearms – on every scar he ever made, kissing them gently, not wanting to hurt him. He wanted to make him feel better. He wanted to make him see that he cared – maybe sometimes more than he let on to believe.

 

He let his lips hover over his wrist after it, taking his hand in his and kissing the scars once again. He kissed the deep once a few times because it looked like Harry tried more than cutting there and Louis couldn’t even handle thinking about it. “You are so beautiful.” He whispered against his wrist and moved to the other hand, kissing the wrist first before going up to the forearm again. “You are worth everything beautiful in this world.” He whispered once again. He could feel Harry shivering beneath him. He could also feel the grip on his torso tightening, like he wanted Louis to know that he heard and appreciated those words. Louis wouldn’t have it any other way.

 

One more scar was kissed before he moved to the ones on stomach. The ones there looked the freshest and Louis wondered if Harry had done them today, but didn’t ask anything. Instead, he kept kissing all of them. He knew it wouldn’t help much and that Harry wouldn’t stop if he didn’t go to the treatment centre, but Louis needed Harry to know that he cared – more than anything. He loved Harry the way he was and nothing, not the thousands of scars could change that. “You are beautiful no matter what.” He kissed the bright red scar. “No matter these scars or anything, you are beautiful either way. Don’t ever forget that.” His skin was more red than white and some scars were so deep that they could scare anyone away, but Louis stayed and kissed those scars – that pain – away. Maybe it really was useless, but he didn’t care.

 

It turned out that he didn’t let himself think much tonight, so when he found himself pulling Harry’s pants down, he wasn’t so surprised by his actions any longer. And there were more. Oh, there were much more scars that Louis shivered from terror. They were much deeper. It looked like he didn’t only use a razor blade on these, but Louis didn’t let himself think about it. This was about Harry and it should stay that way. He didn’t want to make Harry upset. So he kissed them as well. They were spread all over his inner thighs, not really going further than that.

 

“Why are you doing all of this?” he heard Harry ask, his voice barely audible. Louis let his breath ghost over the big and deep line that was spread all over his inner thigh. It was the biggest one he had seen.

 

“Because I want to show you that I care. I want to show you that you’re beautiful. I want to show you just how much you mean to me – how much I’m in love with you.” And it was there – out in open. He never though he’d say it. He never thought he’d be able to get those words out in open, but here he was – confessing he was in love with the broken man beneath him. And he didn’t regret it. He couldn’t even if he wanted to.

 

“You are wonderful.” It was all that Harry had said in return, but it was enough for Louis. Because those words held so much more meaning. Louis could see that, so he smiled as he kissed the last scar on Harry’s tight. He locked his eyes with Harry’s again then. They were shining, glistering and a small smile was presented as well. And Harry looked somehow happy which only made Louis even happier. Harry grabbed his hair then and pulled his up for a kiss. He kept murmuring meaningful ‘thank you’s between in the kiss and Louis didn’t mind. It only made his smile brighter and bigger and then he was smiling so bright that their kiss had to be broken. But once he saw the serious glint in Harry’s eyes, it started to fall. “I want you.”

 

At first, Louis thought that maybe he didn’t hear right or something, but Harry didn’t show any signs of joking. And Louis then thought that maybe he was dreaming, but skin beneath his fingertips seemed too real to be a dream, so he knew it was real. And maybe he kissed Harry a bit too hard then. And maybe he left too many love bites on his neck and collarbones. And maybe he got a bit possessive because Harry had finally said it and he could finally have Harry whole. And maybe he liked the thought that Harry will be his and only his for so long. Harry pulled Louis’ shirt up and pulled his pants down because Harry was almost naked and Louis still had his clothes on. They stared at each other then, their eyes roaming over their bodies once more.

 

It was when Louis saw that passion in Harry that he gave in completely. When their naked bodies were flushed together, when they felt their heart beating just as fast as the other’s, they knew that they belonged to each other. Maybe it wasn’t supposed to last forever. Maybe they wouldn’t have each other for so long, but they were in love now and that was the only thing that mattered in the moment.

 

And Louis kissed Harry with all his might before he pushed inside of him. But once he was there, once he felt Harry’s heat all around him, it was all worth it. They moved together. They shared each other’s pain and pleasure. Their moans were mixed with breathlessness of each other’s names that left their parted lips.

 

Louis came whilst his face was buried into Harry’s shoulder and Harry came afterwards and that was it. It was simple as that. They didn’t talk about it later because they didn’t have to. Because both of them knew what they were feeling for each other and they didn’t try to fight it any longer. They were together in all of this from now on and both of them liked it better that way.


	12. Strong

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, like, I don't want to say anything because I don't have much to say. I just want to apologize for a slow update again, but the problem is that I had major writer's block, so it took me entirety to write this. But I finally finished it, so I hope you like it! :) xx.

Harry was happy. He really was. He would be lying if he said that this wasn’t the best time of his life. Because it really was. Louis was the one that made him feel like this – that made him feel joy and happiness all over again. And it was good. He embraced the feeling and let it take every ounce of his being. He guessed that was good. He guessed he couldn’t always be in a bad place. And he saw that it made Louis happy as well, so it was a win-win for everyone. He liked it. He liked it better than that depressing, angry self he was. He finally felt good in his body and he felt _wanted._ That was something he never felt before. Nick only made him feel like shit and all those one night stands he used to have… they were nothing. Now, he was in established, healthy relationship and he should feel fucking ecstatic and overjoyed and he should just stop thinking about everything. Things just weren’t so easy though.

*

Drinks clinging. Cheering echoing through the room.

 

“Another concert done, Tommo. Cheers!” Zayn shouted, holding the glass full of vodka up in the air, beaming at Louis like he had done more than just a concert. This time, they decided to go out and celebrate. The five of them found themselves in some bar near the arena Louis was playing at. Even though Louis would rather spent his after-concert celebration with his _boyfriend_ cuddling and maybe having some hot shower sex or something, he couldn’t say no to their friends. They were spending less and less time with them as it was, so they thought they owed them.

 

They were together for a week now. And it was one hell of the week. To say that Louis was glowing was understatement. He couldn’t be more satisfied. It was all going perfectly – or as perfectly as it could. Louis wasn’t complaining. He finally had Harry. He could finally call Harry his and that was all he needed and wanted. And it seemed like Harry was getting better. When Louis asked him one more time if he wanted to go to rehab, Harry refused almost too angrily. But Louis shrugged it off and had him have his way. He hoped he could get better. He hoped that maybe, if he didn’t do drugs anymore, he would stop completely. He knew it was just a hopeless, wishful thinking, but he didn’t see Harry taking drugs since that day, so the hope was still there. He told Harry he could always come to him, just like he always could, and tell him everything and they’d solve it together. All in all, he told him everything he already did so many times. The difference was, Harry actually listened now.

 

He slipped his arm around Harry’s waist and pulled him closer, smelling the musky cologne and the cigarette smoke and god, that smell was so mesmerizing that he could never get used to it. “You okay?” He murmured into his hair, away from the people around them. Harry looked at him and his lips rose a bit, making a smile.

 

“Yeah, I’m fine. Don’t worry, Lou. I can handle one night out.” And okay, Louis knew that was the truth. He never doubted it because he would be stupid if he did. Still, Harry was unstable and Louis was scared. But he didn’t say anything else, just leaned in a kissed his boyfriend on the lips. Boyfriend. He liked saying it – he like just thinking about it. Maybe he was being a bit cliché and a bit too dramatic, but he was too in love to care.

 

“Yeah, I know you can.” He finally said. “You’re so brave, baby.” He whispered and Harry smiled. Only this time, it was wide, happy grin that Louis liked seeing way too much for his own good.

 

“Yeah, well, I’m glad you think that.” And his lips were once again on Louis’. It didn’t seem like they could stop doing that. Even though they were in public and fuck, Louis should be careful because his management and fans thought he was very straight and very single. Well, his management knew that he was gay, but they tried to keep it as covered up as possible. And he knew if somebody filmed him or took a picture of him kissing Harry Styles, plenty of shit would happen and his management would be pissed as ever. It didn’t help that they didn’t exactly knew he was spending his time with Harry so that was double shit coming his way. He knew he’d have to tell them eventually, but he would be lying if he said he wasn’t scared. So he let things flow their way. He was kissing Harry in public. He was being intimate with Harry in public. He knew something will come out eventually (him being one of those _somethings_ ) and everything was so damn scary, but he pushed all of that away, knowing he should focus on Harry and his lips against his and warm tongue against his bottom lip, so he did just that.

 

Even though the boys were talking about something that must’ve been _important_ , as they tried to make it clear, they didn’t give a fuck about it. They knew that it was a bit rude to ignore them like that, but they were two boys in love and they were horny and everything seemed better than to just sit at this table and have some conversation with the others. After all, it was only a week since they started dating and they were still in a honeymoon phase. Not to their surprise, they heard an annoyed groan coming from one of the boys before one of them spoke as well.

 

“Christ, you just can’t keep your mouths off of each other, can you? Seriously though, it’s better not to ask you to go anywhere with us at all. Because every time we do, you end up snogging each other’s faces off and then going god knows where. I’m starting to think you don’t want to even hang out with us anymore.” Niall huffed and Louis could image him sitting there with crossed arms over his chest. He almost smirked at the thought. Instead, he tried to reply.

 

“Sorry.” He murmured, too busy sucking Harry’s plump lip between his teeth. It didn’t really help their situation. He heard annoyed huffs around him again, but he decided to let it go. “When are we going somewhere private?” He tried to keep Harry’s lips away from his own long enough to ask him the question quietly, so the other lads didn’t hear him. Harry opened his eyes and looked at him, a mischievous glint right there and Louis already knew the answer.

 

“How about… now?” Louis knew they shouldn’t do it because the boys will hold it against them just like every time they ditched them and Louis knew that it was rude to just leave (yet again) but Harry’s lips were too inviting and that knowing smirk was too much and fuck, Louis was getting hard just by looking at him. He didn’t know how that was even possible.

 

“I, uh, we kind of-“

 

“Oh, just go already. We know our company isn’t what you want, so save us from lame excuses and leave.” Zayn snapped at him, his brown eyes sending daggers their way and Louis flinched. He knew it wasn’t fair to them and he knew he should just stay and enjoy as much as he could, but… Harry was Harry and he needed Harry. More than he needed their company, no matter how much he tried to deny that. He sighed and looked down, fumbling with his fingers. He bit down on his lip, trying to comprehend his thoughts.

 

“Look, I’m sorry, okay? I know we’re being bloody wankers like this and I know we should… stop or whatever. But it’s just that we need each other and… I can’t concentrate with you being here and fuck, I know it’s unfair but I need Harry and-“

 

“I don’t need explanations either, Louis. You want to ignore us? Great! You can focus on Harry all you want. You can fuck him into the mattress all you fucking want. I don’t care. If we’re such a bloody awful company, you should’ve said it before.” To say that the words hit Louis like a tornado was an understatement. He never thought he’ll hear Zayn say something like that – especially when he was the most ecstatic about their relationship. He was hugging them so tightly and wishing them luck just six days ago. And yeah, the one would think that itwasn’t so possible to ignore your friends in six days period, but everything was possible with Harry and Louis. Louis almost laughed at the thought. It wasn’t particularly funny, no. In fact, it wasn’t funny at all – it was sad more than anything really – but Louis couldn’t help himself. He knew that this phase is going to pass and the time when he’d be able to keep his hands away from Harry was going to come, but now… well, he wanted to come with Harry’s lips wrapped around his cock pretty badly. It was ironic how Louis stopped caring about Zayn’s harsh words soon enough and if he felt a bit heartless, well, it was his own problem.

 

Without further addition, he grabbed Harry’s hand and lifted him from his seat. “C’mon, Haz. We’re leaving.” And they were gone soon enough, with three pairs of judgemental eyes following them out. The unpleasant feeling settled inside of Louis’ stomach and he didn’t like it at all. He brushed it away and decided to focus all of his attention to Harry – because he was a lovesick fool and Harry was all that mattered right now.

 

 

“ _Fuckfuckfuckfuck._ ” Louis chanted as Harry’s lips sucked gently on the head of his cock. It wasn’t enough though. Louis needed more but Harry was a tease, so his lips stayed there for what seemed like the longest time before he finally moved his lips a bit down, taking Louis’ cock inch by inch in his mouth. Louis was gripping Harry’s hair so tightly that his knuckles turned white and his blown eyes were opened as they watched those sinful lips working their way down his length. Harry hollowed his cheeks, sucking almost all the way till Louis’ cock didn’t hit the back of his throat. Louis moaned filthy as Harry’s hand reached for what his mouth couldn’t, bobbing his head in the same time as his hand was jerking him off. “Christ, Harry. I’m gonna c-come.” He stuttered, not wanting for it all to end. But when Harry hummed around his cock, it sent him over the edge, spilling all of his come into Harry’s mouth. Harry swallowed it all and then let Louis’ now soft cock to fall from his mouth. He leaned up and kissed Louis and Louis couldn’t help the moan that fell from his lips when he tasted himself on Harry’s lips and tongue. He was about to pull Harry closer when he pulled away. Louis opened his eyes to look at the caring green ones in front of him.

 

“You know… I kind of really like when you moan like that.” Harry said with a smirk and Louis snorted because Harry was being random and ridiculous and just when he thought Harry was going to say something serious, something filthy came from his mouth. Louis would be lying if he said he didn’t like it.

 

“And I kind of really like how you look with my cock in your mouth. These lips are made for it.” He touched Harry’s lips with his fingertips, light and teasing tone still presented. Harry hummed in response and leaned to kiss him again. This time, it was nothing more than simple touch of the lips. It held every unsaid word, everything they couldn’t or didn’t dare to say. And it was just what they needed.

 

“Harry?” Louis asked carefully once his boyfriend was settled safely on his naked chest.

 

“Hm?” He asked, nuzzling closer to Louis, closing his eyes and breathing in Louis’ smell. Harry’s breath tickled Louis, but he didn’t mind. He liked having Harry so close to him. It gave him the feeling of security and safety and like that, he knew Harry was there – and that he wouldn’t leave any time soon.

 

“Do you think the boys will stop being mad?” He tangled his fingers into boy’s luscious curls, twisting them and turning them around. The boy purred underneath him and he could fell him smiling against his chest. When Harry spoke, his voice was muffled by Louis’ skin. Louis felt like every word was being held there, even if it wasn’t so meaningful, it made his heart beat just a little bit louder.

 

“Of course they will. It’s just them being them. I mean, I would be kind of mad if one of them stopped ignoring us for their girlfriend or boyfriend. We’re doing that, but… it’ll pass, I guess. I just want you right now.” And again, it was like his and Harry’s thoughts were connected. It was like both of them knew what each of them was thinking because sometimes, they were thinking the same.

 

“Yeah, you’re right, love. They’ll get over it soon.” It was weird – thinking like that. Thinking of time passing, of things passing. It was weird thinking that this time, when they were so blissfully and stupidly in love that they didn’t see anyone or anything else, would also pass and they’d get to some other stage –the one that was more mature. Louis wanted to enjoy it as best as he could. Because their relationship was different and more complicated. So many things could go wrong. So many normal ones, just as much as the ones that didn’t happen to just anyone. Not every relationship had a drug addict. Not every relationship had one fragile, broken boy who needed all the care and love in the world. They were special in their own way and they needed to cherish it as best as they could. Louis was ready for that. He was ready to keep this relationship. He wasn’t going to let it fall apart. He wouldn’t let that happen. And with that thought, he knew they’d be fine. And he knew their friends will stop being mad in no time. And he knew that soon, he’d manage to spend more time with them. But right now, he was holding Harry in his small arms, both arms wrapped around his slim waist. And everything was more perfect than he could ever imagine it to be.

 

 

Louis had rehearsals – a lot of them. He didn’t know why. Maybe someone had suspected something so now they decided to keep him busy. He only had one more concert till the end of the month. That also meant that that month was coming to an end and he’d have to get back to his old routine. And that meant he’d have less time for Harry – to look after him. And god, he was scared. Maybe he shouldn’t have been because his boyfriend was doing just fine, but he couldn’t help his thoughts wandering to dark places. He tried to push them away and concentrate on positive, but the more he tried, the less it worked. He sighed as he needed to sing the same song for what seemed the hundredth time that day. He didn’t know where Harry was. He didn’t know how the hell to find out because his crew seemed to always have something for him to do. Sing this, dance that, try this on, put that on. He was sick of it all. But he couldn’t complain. He didn’t have the last word in this and it was suffocating. It was 2 pm and he was already here for four hours and of course he was going nuts. There were seven days till the next concert and it wasn’t like it was going to be any special than the last ones. So he was frustrated. Maybe they really did try to keep him away from Harry. Maybe someone really found out he was hanging out with him more than he let on to believe. He gulped, but got back on the song anyway. Now it wasn’t time for worrying about that. He had plenty of time later.

 

Five songs and five clothes changes later, he finally had a break. He was never more thankful to see the couch in his life. He shuffled his phone out of his pocket and unlocked it. He had twenty seven messages and five missed calls. What the fuck?

 

_(5) new messages from Liam_

**Lou, Harry is mising.**

**I cant find him anywehere.**

**Louis, answrr please. We looked evrywher. He took his bag and evrything,**

**It looks lke he used cocaine theres white powder evrywher in his room.**

**He took his pasport as well. Fuck Lou answr.**

The others where from Zayn and Niall, telling him the same thing. His heart has never beat loudly. His chest had never felt so heavy like now. His head never spun like now. And he was sure he was about to cry.

 

“No, no, no, no, NO!” He screamed and ran as fast as he could, ignoring curious looks and shouts sent towards him. The only thing he knew right now was to run. So he did that. He didn’t bother to go with his car. It was too much of a bother anyway.

 

He was at their flat in ten minutes.

 

It was empty. So, so empty. There were stuff missing. It was messy and it looked like somebody stormed out of the flat as fast as they could. And Louis knew exactly who that was. He made his way towards Harry’s – theirs – bedroom, opening the door slowly. On the desk were white powder and the used needle. Louis felt the tears in the corner of his eyes. He tried to be strong. But once he came closer to the desk and saw the note, he couldn’t handle it anymore. He sunk on his knees and let it all out. It was all he could do.

 

_It seems like I’m not so brave and strong after all. I’m sorry._


	13. Breathing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter kinda hurt, but I like it. Hope you do too! Enjoy! :) xx.

Harry wasn’t sure what he was exactly doing here. He thought he’ll never find himself here again, especially when things with Louis were going so good. But there he was again, on this squeaky, dirty bed, breathless and completely wrecked from being fucked so hard. He felt tears threating to fall down. He didn’t want to cry. Because he wasn’t worth it. He wasn’t worth the tears. He was the weak one. He was the one that crumbled under the pressure – who couldn’t go long without drugs. He promised Louis and he tried, he really did, but it was all too much. The need was going too strong. He would be proud if he lasted a week without any sort of drug really, but the truth was that he was sneaking, always finding some way to at least swallow two pills. They were weak and they didn’t give him the pleasure like cocaine did, but they somehow worked. Louis didn’t suspect anything, still believing that Harry was truly okay. And Harry thought that it’d be enough. That, after the time had passed, he’d get used to pills and he wouldn’t need anything stronger anymore. But it was all a wishful thinking. He knew it from the very beginning. Even if Louis believed in him – believed he was strong enough to make it like that – Harry knew better. So of course that when they sent Louis to do rehearsals, he broke. And he’d never felt more sorry for one thing in his life. He couldn’t do it. He betrayed Louis. He _disappointed_ Louis, what was even worse. He couldn’t live with guilt, with regret. He couldn’t see the disappointed look in Louis’ loving eyes. It would be too much. So he did the only thing that seemed rational at the moment – he left. He cried while writing the little note. He cried while trying to text or call Louis (he didn’t do that after all). And he cried whilst he took the one last bit of cocaine that was left. He wasn’t sure what he felt now. He was numb. Lying here on Nick’s bed, fucked just so he could get another dose of drug, he felt nothing. No. That wasn’t that. He felt _something,_ he just couldn’t place it. Maybe it was a mixture of everything that he was holding on for so long. Maybe it was because his body was just used and he felt like shit. Maybe it was just Louis. Harry didn’t know and he decided that he didn’t want to know.

 

He closed his eyes and tried to calm himself down before he moved into the sitting position, his bum stinging so much that he wanted to scream. Louis was always gentle, always careful, always trying not to hurt him. Nick didn’t even use the fucking lube. Harry hated it all, just like he always did, but he needed drugs, and his money was disappearing too fast, and this was the only way it seemed. He didn’t think much once he left his and Louis’ flat. It was clear in his mind where he needed to go. He didn’t know where he would exactly go next because he couldn’t stay at Nick’s. Nick didn’t offer staying nor did he want him to stay, so he needed to think fast. But fast thinking wasn’t working for him so much lately.

 

He pulled his pants and T-shirt on himself and even though they smelled, it wasn’t like he had much of a choice. He threw his other clothes somewhere in the corner of a street in hope nobody will find it before he even got here. He got out of the room just to find Nick standing in his living room, holding a bag full of white powder, the satisfied smirk on his face. Harry didn’t even try to return it. He picked the bag out of his hands, muttered a quick ‘thank you’ and was out of that horrible place that held too many bad memories in seconds. He’s found his bag of clothes where he left them, so he threw it over his shoulder and went to lose himself in the busy streets of London.

 

 

He’d found some cheap enough motel an hour or so ago. He still had enough money to pay for it and it was the only option for now after all. He didn’t have enough money to rent himself another place, so motel would have to do for now. The room wasn’t the best one. The light was going off, the bed was falling apart and there was barely warm water in the shower, but it’d have to do. He couldn’t afford anything better and he wasn’t going to complain. It was his own fault. He made his life like this. He was the one that ruined it with everything. There was no one else to blame. And Harry didn’t try to do that. He knew it very well. It hurt, to know that, but he couldn’t lie to himself either. It would be easier – to throw the blame one everyone else – but it wouldn’t be fair. And, no matter how much of a fuck up Harry was, he still cared about people around him. And they didn’t deserve to carry the guilt on their backs. Because it was Harry’s and only Harry’s fault. He was the weak one. He was the one who couldn’t handle the pressure that came with fame. He got into music industry too soon. Sixteen years was too soon for everyone. Well, except for the strong ones. He was happy that he lasted a year. It all went downhill from then. It was a bad idea to think about it. He knew that once he started, he wouldn’t be able to stop, so that was exactly what happened.

 

He remembered the first time he took any drug. He was barely seventeen and it was some colourful pill that was offered to him by a stranger in some trashy club that he didn’t remember the name of. He didn’t think twice about it. He was alone and things and hate were getting harder to handle and it just happened. Lots of colourful pills turned into heavier stuff soon and even though Harry knew in the back of his mind that it was bad and that he should stop before it was too late, he decided to ignore that voice instead and do what made him feel better – or he thought so. He blindly went with it. And he managed to hide it from publicity for quite a long time. He made sure that he didn’t take anything right before some performance or that he was clean for some public events. He was smart and he knew what he needed to do. In the private, with the group of friends he knew that would keep his secret, he would drink till his brain went numb. He would swallow pills and sniff cocaine like it was food. And all the pain would went away. And he would feel fine, _happy._ It was all alright then. He didn’t have to worry about anything. He still had his clean-cut image and fangirls were still buying tickets for his concert and drugs made him forget the pain. It was all working out even too perfectly.

 

Then it all went downhill. He became more aggressive, more violent. He started to have panic attacks and paranoia wasn’t so rare occurrence either. And public started to notice. It was when he punched the pap and one innocent man behind him that rumours started to spread like a wildfire. After that, Harry didn’t even try to hide everything anymore. He smoked for everyone to see him. He appeared drunk in every media at least every two days and it was then that people started making assumption that there is even more to it.

 

He was first caught snorting cocaine on one Saturday night when he was at Nick’s birthday party (they were on good terms back then. He’d give money for drugs to him and Nick would’ve accepted it). He didn’t know there were going to be paparazzi, though he stopped caring a long time ago. The pictures were out in papers and all over the news and internet the next day. The fans were freaking out, some were even saying it must be Photoshop and Harry’s life came tumbling down. He was kept out of the media for a week. Then, they decided to send him to rehab. Harry didn’t want to go there. He fought and beaten the ones that tried to take him. They gave up after some time, just like Harry gave up on his career then. He stopped recording. He stopped coming to concerts. He started being rude to fans and media. His media image was crushed and he was one more ruined popstar. Harry had never thought he’d end up like this. None sixteen year olds think they would, but here he was – at the edge of dying. And he was completely hopeless.

*

It was two days after Harry’s disappearance that Zayn and Liam finally found themselves in their, now Louis’, flat. Louis didn’t answer their calls or texts and they were getting worried. The only text they’ve got was ‘Dntcme her or ill fckin kill yuo’. They thought that maybe, if they gave him some time, he’ll call them, but that never happened. So they decided that enough was enough.

 

The apartment was unlocked when they came there, so they didn’t bother ringing the bell or calling for Louis, knowing it was useless. They’d found him in Harry’s room, almost empty bottle of whiskey in his hands, his sleeping feature tense and queasy. Zayn gulped at the sight. Louis was a wreck. Harry ruined him by leaving and Zayn had no clue what to do next. So he went with the only reasonable thing.

 

“Louis?” He said gently, but Louis didn’t stir. He sighed and kneeled down, so he could shake him by his shoulder. “Louis, wake up.” His voice was a bit louder now, a bit clearer. Louis mumbled something and moved a little, trying to block out the outside world… or whatever was calling him and demanded his attention. “Louis, wake up, for fuck’s sake.” The voice was familiar and he knew it meant good and he knew it’d be a good thing if he woke up. But his body was tired and his mind was hazed and he didn’t feel like moving at all.

 

“Leave me alone.” He managed to murmur and he could hear a frustrated groan somewhere near. He didn’t care though. All he wanted to do was to curl up in a ball and forget about everything, forget about _him._ He didn’t need comforting. He didn’t need his friends or whoever. All he needed was to be alone. That was all he asked for. But no, his so-called friends couldn’t give him that. They had to come into his room and ruin everything.

 

“No, we won’t, Louis. This isn’t good for you – it’s far from it actually. You need to snap out of this. This isn’t the Louis I knew for years. I know you miss him and I know this is hard for you, but nothing will happen if you just lay here and drown your sorrows down in alcohol. We can do something about it, you know we can, but not like this. So stop moping around, get up and let’s try to find him.” He knew that voice well, of course he did. It kept him away from losing his sanity all those years back. It was always there, keeping him grounded, telling him that was the right thing to do. Because sometimes, Louis didn’t know, and he needed just that. He needed his best friend to tell him, to send him in the right direction. And Louis knew Liam only wanted the best for him and Louis was grateful to have him like nobody else. He kept his eyes closed for another few moments, trying to gather his thoughts and prepare himself for the sight in front of him. He opened his eyes with too many blinks, trying to adjust his eyes to the bright light that was suddenly coming from the small window. From the corner of his eye, he could see Zayn spreading the curtains opened till Liam was standing in front of the bed, his arms crossed on his chest.

 

“Hey.” He murmured sleepily. His head hurt like a bitch and he felt like he was going to throw up any second, but he tried to supress it. It wasn’t really working. “I’m sorry, Liam, we’ll talk, but I don’t want to throw up all over you right now.” With that he rushed towards the bathroom that seemed too far away. He fell on his knees and emptied everything he had in his stomach down the toilet. He heard footsteps getting closer and he knew without looking that Liam was taking care of him, just like always. He was kneeled there for good three minutes, throwing up from time to time, till he finally felt a bit better. He leaned against the wall near the toiler and took deep breaths, trying to get back his uneven breathing to normal. Liam shook his head disapprovingly, but there was still that soft smile that showed he understood.

 

“You knew alcohol won’t help you and you still went and drink.” He sighed. “But Louis, you have to snap out of it. We can do something, but only if you’re willing to and if you’re here with us, sober enough to think.” Louis knew that. Or he hoped he knew. Or he just hoped he could believe that. He wished there was easier way out. He wished Harry would just come back and pretended nothing ever happened. But he knew better, so he decided he’d try. He’d try whatever Zayn and Liam and probably Niall came up with. He knew he should’ve never gone where he did, but it was hard. Harry was becoming his everything and he leaving with one too simple note hurt like a bitch. He gulped and tried to stop thinking about it. It won’t help anyone – especially not him. He nodded slowly and got up, looking properly at Liam for the first time that day.

 

“Okay. Okay, we’ll do whatever you want. I just want him back, Li. I can’t just… let him go. You know that and it hurt. It hurt so badly, Li. Worse than anything else. If you have an idea how to fix everything, please do tell.” He sounded almost desperate, he knew that. But he didn’t care at the moment. He needed Harry in his life. In fact, he wasn’t sure he could function without him. Liam smiled at him, looking relieved.

 

“Come with me.” And they went back to room where Zayn waited for them, leaning against the desk that still had the signs of white powder on it. It looked like he didn’t care much. His expression softened once he saw Louis. Louis didn’t really look at himself (and now he felt gross because he forgot to wash his mouth), but he was sure he looked like an utter mess – nothing he should be proud of. He run fingers through the tangled locks of his hair, trying to get it in some order, but not with much of a success. Maybe he just made it even worse. Right now, that was his smallest worry.

 

“You okay?” Zayn asked, taking a step closer to them. Louis bit his lip and nodded, though that was a lie. That’s why he didn’t say anything. The words would probably be completely opposite of what his body was saying and that would betray him. He hated when people saw him in this kind of state. He liked to make an impression that he was invincible, never worried, and always okay. Mostly because people around him weren’t – especially Harry. But now, he was broken and he wasn’t invincible anymore and he couldn’t keep his façade up for so long. “It’s okay not to be, Louis.” Zayn tried to assure him. But when he didn’t say anything, Zayn sighed and let it go.

 

“So what did you come up with?” His voice was hoarse and weak, what from not using it much in a last couple of days and what from his emotional state. He winced slightly, but it seemed like none of the boys gave it the slightest thought. Louis was grateful for that.

 

“Well, nothing much really. We just thought that we should try to find out where he stayed and where he was last seen and maybe we’ll succeed in finding him?” Zayn sounded insecure and of course they didn’t think much about it. Louis rolled his eyes in annoyance and looked at Zayn with pure disbelief.

 

“And you think that’ll work? Chances of finding him are one in a million, Zayn. He could be anywhere. He could be in another _city,_ for all we know.” He spat, the anger and frustration getting the best of him. He thought they thought this through and that they had something better. But no, they came to him with nothing.

 

“Actually, we know people he hangs out with, Louis, or used to at least. We know his drug dealer and a lot of stuff. So chances of finding him aren’t one in a million. So stop being so stubborn and listen to us. We can do this. You just have to be with us because you’re probably the only one that can bring him back.” Louis looked at them suspiciously, still not quite sure what to do. But determined looks on their faces did it. Louis’ body slumped once he nodded again. They could do this. If Zayn has connections, they really could. Or Louis hoped so. The hope was only thing left for him.

 

“Okay, fine, let me hear what you got.” The best they could do right now was to try. And trying was enough sometimes.


	14. Inside

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for the wait, but I couldn't find the time to finish/write this sooner. I hope it's not a complete shit and you actually enjoy it... well, how much you can anyways. :) xx.
> 
> Also, you can find the playlist [here](http://crinklylou.tumblr.com/post/45288602604/save-me-from-myself-playlist)

 

**_Pretending, someone else can come and save me from myself._ **

 

****

 

A raindrop fell on the ground. Not making a sound. Unimportant and lost in the sea of others. The raindrops, so many raindrops, weren’t just falling. They were pouring from the sky for two days straight. It was like someone decided to take every inch of Louis’ feelings and pour them out in open. He was hopeless. There was no sign of Harry. He couldn’t reach him. He couldn’t find him and he was slowly losing the hope and will altogether. Harry didn’t want to be found, that was obvious. And maybe Louis should really just stop and try to get back to his old life. But he knew that that was impossible. Harry took every little part of his life. He took half of his heart, no matter how cliché that sounded, it was true. Louis needed him. No matter if Harry did drugs, they’d get through it together. He couldn’t believe that Harry thought that running away was better than to tell Louis about it. He’d always be there for him and he couldn’t believe that Harry didn’t see that. He shook his head and threw himself on the chair behind him. They’ve done everything they could. They looked everywhere and there was still no sight of Harry. They even went to Harry’s drug dealer, Nick Grimshaw, and only thing he told them was “He came here, I fucked him, I gave him drugs and he left”. Louis felt a pang of some kind of mix of guilt and jealousy when the man said he fucked Harry, but he tried his best not to let it show. He didn’t know Harry let that man fuck him to get drugs and only the thought of it made him feel disgusted. Nobody should go through that but Harry did. It was then that Louis truly realized how hard Harry really hit the bottom. Even when Louis did drugs before, he never went as far as to… prostitute himself, for the lack of better words. It never even crossed his thoughts. But Harry was obviously desperate and if the man, Nick, asked for sex in return, then he’d do it. Louis had tried to shake the thoughts out of his head once again, but they kept coming back. They were so much harder to ignore.

 

 

 

Just as he was about to fall into the most likely restless sleep, the door of his apartment barged opened. He almost jumped out of his skin when he saw Zayn walking towards him with horrified look on his face. Suddenly, Louis was a lot more awake than he was moments ago.

 

 

 

“What is it?” He asked the moment Zayn closed to door. Zayn never looked scared if it wasn’t something worth being scared for. He was strong and fearless but if there was something horrible, he’d show it no matter what. That was how Louis knew that it was no time for joking. Not that he would anyway.

 

 

 

“I… I’ve found another one of Harry’s dealers. He said Harry bought huge amounts of drug from him. He said that he gave him all that he had and he was sure Harry gave every penny that was left with him. Louis, I don’t fucking know what to think. He’s never done that before. We have to find him immediately.” Louis stared at him in an utter shock. Huge amounts of drug. Harry. Buying it. Spending all of his money on it. Never done it before. No.

 

 

 

“NO! Fuck, Zayn, we should’ve never left him alone. We should’ve never let him run away in the first place. I don’t… We can’t let him die, Zayn.” His eyes were watering. The tears started streaming down his face with no sign of stopping any time soon. “We have to find him. He must be somewhere close. He couldn’t have gone far. We need to continue looking. Please, Zayn, I can’t lose him completely.” Zayn took him into his arms and hugged him tightly till Louis clung onto his shirt for dear life, sobbing like never before.

 

 

 

“We’ll find him, Lou, I promise you. I promise you.” But Zayn wasn’t sure he could keep the promise. Right now, that was all Louis could hold onto though.

 

*

 

There was a time in Harry’s life when he was truly happy. It was at that time before the fame, when all was going well for Harry Styles – or most of it anyways. His family was supporting his sexuality, his sister got away to Uni in London which meant he’d finally have a room to himself, he kissed the first boy at the age of fifteen and the most of it was just great. Harry enjoyed his first period of teenage years. School was also going well for him. He had friends, he even had two girlfriends before he came to terms with himself that he was gay. He was having fun and he thought that applying to The X Factor and maybe becoming famous will only make things even better.

 

 

 

But Harry’s first self-harm experience was a long before he even got to the fame part. He was thirteen and he just really wanted to go to that Coldplay concert in Manchester. It wasn’t far away and his mother was dating some not-so-poor guy Robin that could definitely afford him travelling and the ticket. He wanted to go with two friends of his and maybe get drunk afterwards and maybe lose himself in boys because they were _pretty._ And he asked his mother with the brightest smile and a bucket of red tulips in his hands in the morning before the school. And Anne even agreed back then because why should she deny her son when he was being so considerate? He was a good child after all and he had never asked for much, so surely, one ticket for the concert wouldn’t kill her.

 

 

 

And Harry was happy because finally, something was going the way he wanted it to go. His happiness didn’t last for long, though, because everything went downhill once he got to school. One of his friends was sick, so he wasn’t able to go. One of the students called him a ‘cocksucker’ because he stared at the guy’s arse for a second too long. And on top of it all, he got an F from his English exam they’d have a week before. It wouldn’t be such a big of a deal if the grade wasn’t important and he just screwed everything up and his mother probably wouldn’t let him go to the concert anymore and when did this life become this? He didn’t get Fs, he wasn’t called names and he had everything he needed.

 

 

 

When he got home, it was worse than he expected. His mother started shouting at him, calling him ‘worthless’ and ‘stupid’ and asking him ‘How can you throw your future away just like that?’ and ‘Do you even plan of doing something with your life or do you plan on living on the street? Look at your sister! She’s done everything! Why can’t you?’ And maybe everything would be fine if she didn’t say anything, if she just let him go. But the words hurt more than he expected them to. They were worse than anything someone has ever said to him. His eyes started to prickle and before she could continue and before he showed just what she had done to him, he turned around and ran upstairs, keeping his eyes closed. He didn’t want to cry. He didn’t want to show just how weak he was. But he was. Every word hurt him like nothing else and even though he tried to suppress everything, even though he tried to not let it get to him so much, it did.

 

 

 

So without even knowing what he was doing, he shut himself in the bathroom and found a razor blade Robin had for shaving. He didn’t know what he was doing. He just heard stories – stories of how the pain outside numbed the pain inside. How it’d be better once he did it. So he did. He lifted the sleeve of his sweatshirt and without much further thought, cut into the smooth skin just above his palm. He cried out in pain, but bit his lip afterwards, not wanting for anyone to hear him. And even though it hurt and even though the sight of a crimson blood made him feel dizzy, it was numbing and it was helping, so he continued. Two, three slices later, he felt tired. He fell against the bathroom tiles and closed his eyes, leaving the razor next to him. He’d take care of everything later.

 

 

 

He woke up at the sound of his mother calling him. He cleaned up the mess he made before she could see and pulled the sleeve of a sweatshirt over the cuts carefully, vowing not to ever do that again. Anne apologized and said she didn’t mean any of it while hugging him tight. The only thought in Harry’s head at the moment was ‘Too late’.

 

 

 

 

 

It was a mistake to do it back then, Harry knew now. Because he couldn’t stop anymore. It was the only way he saw out of everything, especially because his life was so much worse now. He wished he could go back and erase the mistake of applying to The X Factor. If he never had, he wouldn’t be here now, in a shitty motel room, with drug hidden under the bed, barely a penny left for one night to pay for the room. It wouldn’t need him more anyways. He couldn’t live like this anymore. There wasn’t one thing worth it. Now that Louis was out of picture just like all of his friends, he was alone with his problems and addictions and what was worth anything anymore? He didn’t have fame, barely anyone remembered him, his mother left him like this a long time ago, spending the time worrying about her own life rather than her son’s. Why would she after all? She had every right to leave him alone. He wasn’t the perfect son she thought he’d be. He wasn’t like _Gemma._ She had her perfect job and perfect husband and her perfect little baby girl and they were _happy._ Happy without Harry. Nobody needed him anymore. Louis probably gave up as well. So where were his reasons to live? He didn’t see them. He couldn’t find them and maybe he stopped trying a long time ago. Maybe he was thinking it before, but Louis managed to postpone it. Harry wasn’t sure if he was thankful for it or not. One part of him was happy that he met Louis. Louis, the bright lad with dark past who decided that Harry was worth saving for a bit. Louis, the lad who had everything now, just like Harry had before. Maybe he was the one that cared the most. It was the reason Harry was living for some time – not even a month. But now, he’d probably gave up. He probably saw how much of a failure Harry was, just like everyone else. He’d probably find someone new. Someone better for himself and everyone around him. Harry ruined enough people. He needed to stop doing that, he knew that much. He dragged Louis down with him. He dragged him to his dark thoughts, to his dark secrets he’d never wanted anyone to find out. And Louis didn’t deserve that. He deserved so much better, so much more. Harry couldn’t give him a happy ending. And he deserved one. Because he was probably the most wonderful person Harry had ever met. He couldn’t keep dragging him along. He couldn’t keep ruining him along the road. It didn’t matter that he was slowly falling in love with him. His happiness was long forgotten.

 

 

 

With that thought, he knew that what he’s about to do was the only right thing to do.

 

*

 

“Are you sure this is it?” Louis asked Zayn suspiciously. They were standing in front of the old, crappy motel that he was sure nobody would like to stay in. But Zayn nodded with assurance and gave him the best smile he could manage at that moment. It didn’t really help though. Louis didn’t expect it to anyway. He took a deep breath and took a step in a building that maybe held the answers to all of their questions. The receptionist was some old, cranky woman who’d probably rather be anywhere else than here at the moment. Louis still approached her, hoping that smile on his face wasn’t the fakest one. “Excuse me, can you tell me in which room is Harry Styles?” He asked as he watched the bored expression on woman’s face staying unchanged. She took her little notebook and started looking through the names. It took her more time than necessary and in that moment, Louis wanted to murder her.

 

 

 

“He’s in the room 5.” Her voice wasn’t better than her expression, so Louis rolled his eyes, murmured a quick ‘thanks’ and went in the search for the room as fast as he could, Zayn following by his side. It wasn’t hard to find it because there were only a few rooms in a small motel. Louis knocked at the door because it seemed the only right thing to do first. No answer. He tried again, but came with the same result. The fear even bigger than before started to settle inside of him. But he needed to think positive. Maybe Harry went somewhere and wasn’t in the room now. But receptionist would tell him that, right? Okay, she probably wouldn’t, so it was still a possibility. He also knew it was unlikely. So without much thought, he pushed the door opened, surprised that they were actually unlocked. Once he stepped into the room, there was no one there. There was no trace of life, no trace of anyone ever living there and for the moment he asked himself if maybe the cranky woman gave him the wrong room number. But then he saw the familiar sweater shrunken up in the pile on the floor and yes, Harry was definitely here. Before he knew it, he was running towards the bathroom that was right on his left. He pushed the door open and the sight in front of him made him gasp and weak and his knees and he was sure he was on the floor before he even knew it. He covered his lips with his hand, a chocked sob escaping them.

 

 

 

“Harry.” He chocked, another broken sob ripping the air. Zayn came in right after him, but he was more collected than Louis. He ran towards the body on the floor. He felt his pulse before turning to Louis.

 

 

 

“Call the ambulance Louis. He’s still alive, but barely. CALL THE AMBULANCE!” Zayn screamed and Louis barely had a strength to pick up the phone from his pocket and dial the ambulance’s number. As soon as it stopped ringing, he told the information of their residence and situation and he could barely speak but he tried. His Harry was lying on the floor, half dead, his heart almost not beating and Louis wanted nothing more than to die with him. And he knew that there was still hope. That ambulance could reach them in time, but he doubted it. They were always late. They’ve never made it. So he didn’t think it would be any different now. He felt numb. He felt so completely numb, he didn’t know what to do with the numbness he felt. His actions weren’t controlled by him. He couldn’t think. He didn’t want to think. So how he found himself curled up against Harry’s side was a mystery to himself as well. He could feel the tears running down his cheeks, but he didn’t try to wipe them away. He didn’t care if the were falling. They were tears, nothing so damn special to wipe off. They were for Harry, the boy that killed himself. In Louis’ mind, he was already dead, and he couldn’t deal with a guilt panging in his chest. It was so overwhelming because it was his fault. It was all his fault. He always managed to mess up something. He should’ve taken care of Harry, Instead, he let him die and he didn’t know how to deal with it. He didn’t notice he was chanting Harry’s name until the warm hand was on his shoulder, pulling him up. Then there were more people in the room, jumping around Harry, taking him, doing things to him that Louis paid no attention to. The chanting didn’t stop. His numbness didn’t stop. The tears didn’t stop either. And the feeling of helplessness and guilt was still there and he wanted it all to just go away. So he screamed and screamed until his throat hurt so badly he couldn’t utter a word. And then all he saw was blackness.

 

 

 

 

 

“Louis. Louis, please!” He heard a voice so familiar and so comforting that he almost let himself smile. But there wasn’t any strength in his body left to do so and he could barely open his eyes. When he did though, the lightness of a room made him shut them again. He tried to groan, but even that was an issue. It felt like someone ripped the lungs out of him and for a moment, he couldn’t remember why. He couldn’t remember what happened. But then it all started to come back to him – Harry, dying, drugs, screaming, tears, oh so many tears and no, this wasn’t happening. He opened his eyes again, this time adjusting to the light in the room. Just like he thought, Liam was sitting by the white bed, clearly a hospital one, an expression full of worry and mixture feelings covering his face.

 

 

 

“Harry.” Was the first thing he managed to whisper. He saw Liam’s face getting closer and a small smile on his lips. None of the smiles seemed to be assuring anymore. He couldn’t handle them. He needed something. He needed _Harry._ Harry was the only thing he needed right now, even if it was a bit mean to his friends that cared. He needed Harry to be alive. He needed it more than he needed an air to breathe, no matter how cliché that sounded.

 

 

 

“We still don’t know how he is. He’s been in the room for these half an hour you were out and none of the doctors came out to say anything. But I’m sure he’s alive, Louis. We’d know if he wasn’t.” His voice was barely louder than a whisper and Louis was sure that if it was any louder, he’d punch him or something, so he was grateful. They still didn’t know anything. He was still in the room. No news. Nothing. Louis wanted to cry again, but it seemed that there were no tears left in him. So he just nodded and closed his eyes again. Maybe if he slept a bit longer, there would be something. He was too tired to wait – too anxious to do that really. So he snuggled into the blanket again, not even caring that it smelled too much like hospital and let the sleep wrap him in arms, not saying a word to Liam. Somehow, he thought that was okay.

 

 

 

He didn’t sleep peacefully then. The dreams that were more nightmares than anything else, were hunting him the whole time. He nightmares of Harry lying dead in that bathroom floor, mouth slightly agape, a bottle of pills and cocaine around him. He wasn’t alive there. He probably wasn’t in the real life as well. Who could survive that? Nobody. Harry was strong, Louis will never stop believing that, but he was sure nobody could survive that kind of suicide attempt. Maybe they came just in time. Maybe Harry took them right when they came in. Because he didn’t see any reasonable explanation. In the nightmare, he’d fell next to Harry, clung at his shirt and asked him why. He was angry there… and sad, oh so sad. He cried and cried and then he slept on Harry’s body, not letting anyone take it away from him. And then he’d wake up and the body would be gone. And then the nightmare would repeat all over again, like it was torturing him on purpose. Liam told him later that he was screaming and that he couldn’t wake him up, no matter how hard he tried. Louis just wanted it all to go away. He wanted to forget all about it for a few hours, but he knew how impossible that was. Because Harry meant the world to him. And it was insane and crazy, but Louis couldn’t deny it even if he tried. The boy had his heart and he wasn’t sure he’d ever have it back. And somehow, that thought didn’t seem so bad.

 

 

 

He just needed the boy alive. Alive and breathing and Louis would be okay again as well.

 


	15. Winning

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have a week off because spring breaks started and this story has only one chapter and an epilogue left, so I'm pretty sure I'll finish it within the next week. Hope you enjoy this chapter and make sure to tell me what you thought of it! :) xx.

There are times in your life when you start to question every little thing you’ve ever done. You’re questioning your purpose in the whole mess the life is. You’re questioning the decisions you’ve made in the past, thinking that maybe you were wrong in everything you’ve ever decided to do. And it’s suffocating. And sometimes you feel like you can’t breathe because maybe, you’ve done it all wrong. And the thing is, you can’t take anything back. What’s done is done and everything you did in the past is leaving the scars all over you in the present. And no matter how much you want to out of it, it seems endless.

 

That’s how Louis was feeling the whole time he’s spent at that stiff, uncomfortable hospital bed. They didn’t let him go just yet and he didn’t argue because he felt like he was about to die any minute anyways. Liam spent most of the time by his side, with recent visits from both, Niall and Zayn. When Zayn came two hours after Louis woke up for the first time, he looked like he hadn’t slept for days, even though the recent events have taken the place only one day ago. Still, he had purple bags under his eyes and his hair was a mess and his lousy feature was meant to pass out any minute if he didn’t sit down. He managed to muster a smile though, even if it was a weak one. He sat down and Louis looked at him with panic and worry and sadness in his blue eyes and Zayn knew what he was asking. So he gave him the answer.

 

He said that they’d pumped Harry’s stomach as soon as they got him here and done everything they could – not even Zayn was sure what they were doing to him in that room for two and a half hours – and that he was resting now. He was alive. He was breathing, even though he still wasn’t awake. And Louis felt the tears prickling in his eyes. And he felt weak like that. But that didn’t matter. Because Harry was alive and breathing. And nothing else mattered. And Louis never felt more relieved in his life. He wanted to shout and scream and jump around the room like some kind of kid, but instead he cried the silent tears. And Zayn and Liam understood. And they smiled at him and held him there till he finally didn’t stop. It was a miracle, he was telling himself. And maybe miracles were possible sometimes, even if Louis didn’t believe in them so much. Then Zayn left and Louis fell into another sleep. The difference was, this one was more peaceful.

 

 

The second time he woke up, Niall was there and Liam was visiting still sleeping Harry. Niall didn’t look any better than Zayn and Louis guessed it was a long night and a day for everyone. Niall then told him that paparazzi were outside all around the hospital. They found out about Harry overdosing himself and then they found out about Louis being there as well, checking in in the same time as Harry. And now they were waiting for someone to tell them everything that had been going on and how the two singers are related. They made a few guesses and one of them was even close to the real one. Niall asked him if he wanted him to say anything, but Louis only shook his head no, telling him that they could wait all they wanted, they wouldn’t get the real answer. It was more because Louis was scared of his management. They didn’t know anything and going to media and telling them even half of the truth would make them even angrier than they probably were now. So Louis decided that it was the best to keep everything to themselves for now. Niall agreed.

 

The third time he woke up, some woman that he faintly remembered was from his management team, was sitting on the stool next to Liam who looked like he might’ve peed in his pants. Louis wouldn’t be surprised if he did, seeing as woman looked like she’d murder them any time. Once she saw that Louis was awake, without questioning if he was okay or not, she started yelling at him, harsh and straight to the point, telling him how stupid and reckless he was to do everything he did. She also started telling him how, whatever he was doing with Harry Styles was about to stop now, but doctors heard the yelling, so they threw her out of the room. Louis never felt more satisfied. Liam was safe to say then that Harry was awake.

 

It took everything in Liam’s power to keep Louis in the bed. He jumped the moment he heard Liam saying those words, but he wasn’t allowed to move just yet, so Liam had to keep him in the place, no matter how much Louis fought it. After lots so assuring that he’d, indeed, see him when doctors said he could, and pinning down Louis gave up and laid down on the bed again. He knew he wouldn’t be able to sleep anymore, not when Harry was laying wide awake not so far away. All he wanted was to see that the man he was in love with was okay. Even though he believed his friends’ words, he needed to see it in flesh. He didn’t see why it was such a big deal if he got up. He only fell unconscious after all, and as far as Louis knew, there was nothing else. That was the first time he started to question why the hell he was still in bed. There was no logical explanation for it. He was stable. He was fine. He was completely aware of everything around him and he didn’t have to sleep for enormous hours anymore. He looked at Liam with furrowed eyebrows, trying to see something on his friend’s face, but it was blank.

 

“Liam… is there something you’re not telling me?” Liam’s expression changed immediately and his eyes widened in comical way. He opened his mouth a few times without releasing a word and Louis was getting annoyed.

 

“W-what? N-no, of course not! You know that I tell you everything, Lou. There’s nothing I’m hiding. Really.” The thing is, Liam was always a bad liar and you didn’t have to be an expert to see through him. Plus, Louis had years and years of experience to figure Liam out. He knew him like the back of his hand.

 

“Don’t lie to me, Liam. Spit it out.” He said maybe a bit too harshly, but he didn’t care at the moment. All he wanted was to know the truth… or whatever it was that Liam was hiding. Liam sighed and looked towards the floor for a brief moment before settling his eyes back to Louis.

 

“We don’t want to keep you here, believe me. We want you to go see Harry and you’re fine, you’d also be able to go see him. It’s just that…” He stopped there and bit his lip. Louis could see him swallow and Louis was getting worried now. Maybe he didn’t have to but the tone of Liam’s voice was clear and he knew he wouldn’t like whatever Liam was about to say.

 

“It’s just that what, Liam?” He asked when Liam didn’t continue for a couple of moments too long.

 

“It’s just that… _he_ doesn’t want to see _you,_ Louis.” He said in the whispered voice and it were Louis’ eyes that widened now. Harry didn’t want to see him? He tried to understand why, he really did, but nothing came to his mind. “He’s been awake for longer than just a couple of hours. We didn’t want to tell you because we knew how you’d react. And Harry’s… really persistent about keeping you away from him. He didn’t say why or anything. He just said not to bring you to him. We tried to change his mind, believe me, but he wouldn’t listen. So we had to listen to him.” He paused before saying the thing that seemed so useless and overused. “But he’s fine, Louis, he really is.” And it didn’t mean anything to Louis. It really didn’t, no matter how hard he tried for it to be different. He felt empty and hurt and all he wanted to do was to curl up in a ball and let the world swallow him whole. He looked at Liam one more time and nodded curtly before turning around and letting the sleep take over him, and even though he didn’t need one, he needed a distraction. And sleep was good enough.

 

 

He woke up in the middle of night. The room was dark and the curtains were closed, not letting the moonlight shine through the windows. Louis could barely see anything, but he could see that Liam was no longer there. He sighed and lied on his back. He knew he wouldn’t be able to sleep anymore. He slept an awful lot lately and he doubted it was even healthy. He stared at the ceiling for a while, thinking of what he could do next. Harry was still occupying his mind and thinking that the younger lad didn’t want to see him was devastating to the point Louis was sure he was going to die without him. Okay, he was overreacting, but he missed Harry dearly and he wanted to see him just as much. It was then when his decision was made. Without any second thought, he got out of the bed and slipped on the slippers that were settled next to his bed. He was lucky enough that all he had to do was walk ahead because he was sure as hell he’d break something if it was any different. He tapped his way to the doors and when he finally reached them, it took him another minute to locate a knob. When he finally did, he found himself in not-so-dark hallway. In fact, nurses and doctors were running around but not paying any attention to him. Then again, it wasn’t like he wasn’t allowed to leave to room so he guessed he was safe to leave.

 

He realized that he didn’t even know Harry’s room number a bit too late. He stopped in the middle of a hallway and looked around. He saw a nurse that didn’t seem in a much of rush passing by so he stopped her by putting his hand on her shoulder. It turned out that Harry’s room was just a few rooms down Louis’ and Louis guessed he was lucky. He thanked her and rushed toward the room as fast as he could. When he found himself there, he hesitated. Harry was probably sleeping and he probably wouldn’t even know Louis was there and everything will be perfectly fine. It had to be. Louis needed this because he was sure he couldn’t go without seeing Harry for so long. It was torture of a kind and he didn’t want to do that to himself, no matter how selfish it may sounded. He took a deep breath and turned the knob as quietly as he could. The doors opened slowly and when he took one, two steps into the room, he could see Harry’s lanky feature on the bed. What he didn’t expect though, was to hear rustling coming from there just as he closed the doors. He was sure he was quiet enough.

 

“Zayn?” The oh-so-familiar voice asked, a bit raspy and a bit dry, but Louis didn’t mind it one bit. He wanted to smile more than anything but then he remembered that Harry didn’t want him here and that this wasn’t the part of a plan. But he wasn’t backing out now. He was here, in this room where Harry was laying awake, and even if Harry wanted him out with all the passion, he wouldn’t get that so easily. Not now. Not ever.

 

“It’s not Zayn.” He said weakly but his voice still audible enough in the small room. He stepped a little closer so he was standing in front of Harry’s bed. He couldn’t see Harry’s expression well as there was just enough light to see his silhouette. But when he didn’t speak for a minute, Louis knew he wasn’t all so pleased to see or hear him. It made his heart hurt a little bit.

 

“What are you doing here?” He sounded a lot more awake then, his voice sharper and more confident and Louis hated it the second he heard it. He didn’t know what he had done to make Harry act like this. He didn’t understand him right now and he would like to be able to do so. He wished Harry wasn’t shutting him off right now. It didn’t seem right. It reminded him of _that_ Harry in the beginning – not of his Harry. It killed Louis inside.

 

“I came to see you. I came to check if you’re okay.” He took a pause, weighing the words he was about to say in his mouth. “I came to see why you don’t want to see me.” His voice turned into a whisper, but he knew Harry heard him. He didn’t answer right away. It seemed like hours had passed until he did so, but Louis still waited. Because Louis needed an answer. Whatever it was, he needed to know the truth. He could handle whatever it was.

 

“Louis… I… I can’t be around you. I can’t be with you. I’m not good enough. I’ll never will be. And my addictions will always be here with me and I can’t let you go through it. I’m dangerous and I don’t, I can’t do something to you. I’m afraid that something will happen and you’ll be there and-“ His voice got shaky and Louis wondered if he was crying. He didn’t want anything more than to hold the broken man in his arms. But he knew he shouldn’t, so he didn’t. “I wanted to die. I wanted the whole drug thing to work. And I was sure, I was so sure, nobody will find me soon enough and that I’ll succeed. Because it’d be better for everyone – for me as well. Bu you found me on time. And I don’t think I’m so grateful for it.” He let out a sob in the end and Louis had heard enough. Soon, he was kneeing beside Harry and wrapping his hands around him, not caring for the boy’s protests that didn’t last long anyway. Harry was wrapping his own arms around him and clinging onto him for dear life. He was shaking violently and Louis was doing everything in his power to try to calm him down. “Why are you always there? Why the fuck are you always there to save me? Why? Why you? Why did I fall in love with you, Louis? Why did you fall in love with me? Why didn’t you leave yet? Why?” He was chanting, the tears soaking Louis’ shirt. But Louis didn’t care as long as the boy in his arms calmed down.

 

“I’ll always be here for you. No matter what you say or do, I’ll always try to make it right. You won’t get rid of me so easily, Styles. We’re going to get you better. I promise you.” And he meant it. He meant it with all his heart. He wasn’t going to let Harry do anything stupid again. He wasn’t going to let Harry push him away, no matter how much Harry thought he was doing the right thing. Because, the truth was, he was doing the worse for himself and for Louis and Louis wasn’t going let him ruin them. They could survive better with each other. They were each other’s rocks and Louis hoped, knew, that they could work out just fine. They were fine for more than a week and Louis was sure he could get Harry on the right path.

 

“Don’t make the promises you can’t keep.” Harry murmured against his shirt, his sobs getting lesser and lesser. Louis held him tighter, wanting to let him know he was here – that he wasn’t going anywhere.

 

“I’m not.” He said simply and that was the end of it. None of them said a word to each other anymore. They just held each other, Louis stronger and firmer than Harry was holding Louis. But he didn’t mind because right now, Harry needed it more than he did. He was the more broken one. He was the one that needed saving. Louis would be fine, as long as Harry would be as well. And maybe he fell in love too fast. And maybe he was falling a bit more with every passing second. And maybe it wasn’t good. And maybe he should stop. But he’s not sure he could nor he wanted to. Because it was a good kind of fall. Because it was Harry as the one he was falling for. And right now, Louis thought he couldn’t find anybody better. Yes, Harry may be an addict and he may be suicidal, but that only gave Louis more reasons to care, to try to save him and protect him from every little thing. And he couldn’t mind it even if he wanted it to. Harry needed him. And he needed Harry just as much.

 

So when they fell asleep tangled in each other that night, Louis believed those words even more strongly. Harry was here – alive and breathing – and that was all that mattered. And Louis was here – alive and breathing – even when there were times when he was like Harry. They were here together, getting through it all. And maybe the month didn’t even pass, but that didn’t matter. Nothing matter except from them. It didn’t matter what management would say, or press or any of the fans. As long as they were saving each other every single day, they’d get through it all. Louis was never surer in anything in his life.


	16. Lights

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the last official chapter! Also known as “the one where Patricia bashes her own story in her own story (my name’s Patricia btw)”. My writing takes weird turns sometimes, sorry. I cried when I finished this, I really did. And this should’ve been longer, but I felt like if I was going to write that one part, I’d ruin everything and it felt final where I’ve finished, so take what you can get. Yes, I am more fun than my own writing surprise, surprise! Or it’s the 2am and too much of beer and juices talking through me (I only had one beer tho, so juices… definitely… and biscuits… and chocolate eggs yup). Anywho, happy Easter to everyone who celebrates it and I hope you had a good one and that you aren’t weird as me right now! :D I also hope you enjoy this chapter and that it doesn’t suck. Epilogue should be up very soon. Hopefully… Oh well, don’t take my word for it. I’m apologizing for long and weird author’s note as well. Eh. :D xx.

„Harry, you have to go to the rehab. You can't continue like this anymore and you know it.” Harry rolled his eyes at Louis because really, they got over this so many times and he was still against it. Harry didn’t see the problem. It wasn’t like it was going to kill him, so why keep insisting on something that’ll happen just a bit later?

 

“I _will_ go, you know I will. I just want to see you perform one last time. It’s not so much to ask for and it’s not impossible, so can you please stop arguing with me over nothing?” Ever since Louis got into his room, they’d been like this. Okay, not really. At first, there were cuddles and sweet kisses and cute little moments that Harry was sure that he’d cherish forever, but then it started the rehab talk. And Harry knew he must go, don’t get him wrong. He knew that he’d die if he didn’t go and he didn’t want that – not when his mind was clear. But he just wanted to attend Louis’ concert and listen to that angelic voice that always tended to make him feel better. He was sure he wasn’t asking for much.

 

“But that’s two days away, Harry. We discussed this already. I don’t think you’ll be able to handle it.” Harry sighed in annoyance and looked Louis dead in the eyes. The other boys were sited around them, supporting Louis of course. Harry wished they could see that he could handle that. It was only two more days! He was strong enough to go a bit longer without professional help. And even though one part of him didn’t believe so, he tried to believe it with all he had. Because nobody else did, he needed to prove it.

 

“Look, I survived a week without consuming cocaine. I think I’ll handle these two days. Lou, please, I want to spend as much time with you as I can before they lock me there. You can call them and explain everything and secure me a place, whatever makes you feel better. I just… we lost time, Louis, and I just want to be with you a little longer. Can I get that at least?” His voice was sincere and he meant every word he said. The thing was, Harry was in love with the worrying boy and he didn’t know how he’d survive a few months in the rehab without being able to touch him, especially when the week was already wasted. He took the older boy’s hand in his and squeezed it with assurance, giving him a small, hopeful smile. And Louis’ expression softened immediately then. Harry hoped it was enough. He hoped Louis will see just how much he needed that little time. He watched him letting out a defended sigh and nodding in understanding.

 

“Okay, yeah, okay. We can do that. If you think you can handle it, then fine. And I really don’t want to pass the opportunity of spending time with you. But if things get really bad, we’ll driving you to the rehab immediately, no complains, okay?” And Harry could only nod because there was nothing else for him to do or say anymore. He heard the other boys murmuring something beside them, but he ignored it, knowing they didn’t exactly agree. He focused on Louis instead. He wrapped the arms around his neck and pulled him in for a sweet, loving kiss. Because he needed that. Louis was safe and familiar and their lips fit together like a puzzle. As soon as they meld together, Harry knew he was going to be fine. Attempting suicide was stupid. Trying to keep Louis away was stupid. He would lose so much, and Harry wasn’t ready for that after all, no matter how hard he tried to assure himself differently. So when their lips moved, he forgot all about it. All that mattered was _LouisLouisLouis_ and Harry welcomed the feeling with his arms wide open.

 

 

Harry wasn’t let home for those two days. He wasn’t sure he minded it that much because he craved for cocaine more than ever. And he hated it. His skin was red from starching and the pillow beneath him was wet and dirty from biting it too often. Louis was always there for him though, so that made things a bit easier to handle. He tried his hardest because, once again, he didn’t want to let Louis down. But all the same, he didn’t want to let _himself_ down which was the first one. He didn’t want to go back to that dark place again. Maybe only a day passed after everything, but Harry had his sanity back and he knew that he didn’t want to lose it again.

 

“You’re strong, baby. You can get through this. I believe in you, love, and I’m always here for you. You can do it. Snap out of it. You’ll be fine. You have me and you always will. You’re so brave. So, so brave. Braver than the most people out there. You can do it, Harry.” It was like that every time and Louis’ words would help Harry most of the time. He listened to them, concentrated on them and only them. It seemed like Louis knew exactly what to say and Harry felt safe like that – knowing that Louis knew how to help and what to say. Sometimes Harry wondered how. Sometimes Harry wondered what Louis went through because he’d never told Harry. And sometimes it’d hurt that Louis never told him because Harry felt like he didn’t trust him enough with something like that. Usually he would brush those thoughts away. That wasn’t the case that afternoon.

 

“How do you always know how to calm me down?” He started, his eyes fixed on their linked hands. Louis was lying beside him and playing mindlessly with their fingers. Harry was fine watching because the view wasn’t bad at all. But now, he wanted to know. He wanted Louis to be honest with him because he knew everything about Harry, so Harry sure as hell deserved to know about him. Or Harry thought so at least.

 

Louis looked at him then, a bit confused and curious. “Well, I just know. Why do you ask?” Harry didn’t really like that answer. It was too shallow, too short and not telling. He wanted a story – a long story about Louis’ life that he knew nothing about. For a second he thought that maybe he was asking for too much, but then he remembered that there wasn’t a one thing he was hiding from Louis so that wasn’t the question anymore. He took a deep breath and looked at Louis with seriousness in his green eyes.

 

“What happened to you in the past, Louis? You’re always just punching around the bush, never saying anything specifically. What is your story, Louis? Why don’t I know it yet?” Louis froze in front of his eyes. He watched those pools of blue going from curious to terrified in seconds and Harry wondered what was such a big secret that he was afraid to tell Harry about it. It couldn’t be worse that Harry’s, right? Harry surely hoped so. He had it bad and he didn’t think he could handle if Louis had it bad as well.

 

“I… I… I don’t like to talk about it.” He murmured, looking down at his other hand that was fidgeting with the hedge of his shirt. His lip was pulled between his teeth and Harry didn’t know what to say to make him feel better. Then again, he wanted the answers, no matter how scared they made him.

 

“Why? Why don’t you like to talk about it? Why can’t you just tell me already? You already know everything about me, so why do I know almost nothing about you? I want to know, Louis. I want to know the most important piece of your life. Is that so hard to do?” Even though the words coming out of his mouth were far from calm, his voice was, still not wanting to upset Louis even more. Louis let out the lip free and looked at Harry once again. He nodded curtly and Harry was surprised by how almost nonchalant the movement seemed. But he could see right through it. And Louis seemed more terrified than before.

 

“Yeah… you deserve to know. I’m sorry I just… I’ve never talked about it before and I don’t even know if I can, but you’re one of the only people who I trust and know that won’t judge me, so I guess I’m safe.” He smiled a bit, but the smile dropped almost as soon as it appeared. “It wasn’t such a long time ago. Maybe a year or two or so. I wasn’t famous like now. I didn’t have bunch of screaming girls and paparazzi after me so I was allowed to do whatever I wanted without worry that I’ll get caught and end up in the newspapers next morning. And I took the opportunity. You’re only young once after all and I wanted to use it. It wasn’t a good idea though. Liam was one of my only friends at the time and he was always by my side. I was the reckless, rebellious and stupid one till he was always watching out for me. I feel bad now because it kept him away from his own life. He didn’t have one because of me and he could never _not_ be responsible because I would take every chance I got.” He took a short pause, breathing heavily through his mouth. “I did stupid things. Just like you now, though my priority was heroine. I would go out in the clubs every night, most of the time not even telling Liam about it, even though he knew about it all. I’d get drunk, take my share of drugs, have sex with whomever I fucking wanted to and wake up the next morning feeling and remembering nothing.” His tone turned bitter and spiteful and Harry shivered just at that. “I loved it back then. It gave me the feeling of numbness which I needed, mostly because my long-time boyfriend cheated on me with my friend what was the biggest punch in a gut I’ve ever got. I didn’t want to feel the pain so I took the easy way out. But you know how that feels.” He kissed Harry’s curls then, wrapping a protective arm around his waist. “Liam tried to keep me out of it. He tried to reason me that the stuff I was doing weren’t good. I didn’t believe him though. I was too stubborn to even try to consider that maybe he was right. He would drag me out of the clubs if he was able to find me. He would shout and yell at me in the morning what I appreciate more now because that was probably when my awakening happened. I didn’t hit the bottom yet and I was still half there most of the time. There were nights when I wouldn’t go out, so I’d be back for my normal self for a bit. I think Liam cherished those moments more than anything. But, one night I didn’t even make it back. I ended up in a hospital because I got epilepsy. Liam yelled at me when I woke up. It was then that I saw what I was doing to myself. I remember that I cried for days. I couldn’t stop because I haven’t cried in such a long time and there were so many things to cry about. So I did. After so many months, I let myself go. And somehow it felt better than drugs. They’ve sent me to rehab for a month after that and I was better. I saw that what I’ve been doing to myself wasn’t good at all. And I guess it was a right decision to stop because somewhat around that time, I became famous. And here I am.”

 

That left Harry speechless. He didn’t know what to say to make him feel better. He’d be lying if he said he didn’t expect something like that. Because, no matter how harsh and judgemental that sounded, he dreaded the worst. But Harry wasn’t judgemental. He was in no place to be. So, without the word leaving his lips, he brought Louis a little bit closer, kissed him with understanding and love, curled up by his side and closed his eyes, not thinking of anything else but how perfectly Louis’ body fitted with his.

*

Liam watched Zayn with the bottom lip pulled between his teeth. He didn’t know what he expected really. He knew Zayn wasn’t the relationship kind of guy. He knew that he shouldn’t have brought his hopes up and he just really wanted for everything he was feeling to go away. Right now, his best friend needed him and he wasn’t supposed to feel hurt and sad. He needed to be happy and the shoulder to cry on. Louis needed him and he needed to put him first – just like always. He knew that Louis would want him to get his life back in order so he couldn’t tell him anything. It wasn’t like he was bothered by helping Louis, no. That wasn’t the case. Louis and he went through everything and when his best friend needed comfort, he was there. He was never the one to ask for it. Louis didn’t either, but Liam knew when he needed one. So he was there. Always. And always putting away his problems and feelings. He knew that wasn’t good and he should face them. But as good as he was in solving the others’ problems, he wasn’t good at solving his own ones.

 

He couldn’t say anything to Zayn. That would just ruin anything they’ve ever had. He was fine with being Zayn’s friend, he really was. And, well, he wished that _occasional fuck buddy_ didn’t sound so bad, but it kind of did. Then he realized that he wasn’t fine with being Zayn’s friend and occasional fuck buddy. He realized that he wanted more. Then again, he wanted more all along, so that didn’t come off as a surprise to him. He continued to stare at Zayn’s lean figure and tall quiff and shining brown eyes and tan skin and the tattoos peaking from his blazer and he just wanted to kiss him right then and there. But he wasn’t brave enough to do so. He was a coward. He probably always was. He’d never taken control of his own life and maybe that was bad and maybe Liam was miserable more than he let on to believe, but that didn’t matter. Nothing about him mattered. He was just a side person – a side character in a book who occasionally helped his best friend. That was all he was. And he wished his role was different. He wished he had his own life beside _LouisLouisLouis_ , but he didn’t and he wanted to accept that, but he couldn’t. He guessed he should change that. He guessed he should take the things in his own hands for once but he was scared. He was scared nothing will work out. He didn’t want to end up alone and more miserable than before. Because if Zayn rejected him, he’d be just that. And he knew he would. Zayn didn’t do relationships. Liam and he were just occasional fuck buddies. They were never meant to be more. They were never meant to be together like Harry and Louis were. Liam didn’t have happy endings. He’d always make them happen to the others and that was mostly Louis. And he liked helping. He liked making people happy, even if he was far from it. He never thought of it like that. He never thought of himself but somehow things had changed and there he was.

 

“Are you alright?” He didn’t even notice Zayn walking towards him and taking the seat right next to him. He blinked a few times to get himself out of his unnecessary thoughts and looked at confused Zayn. He was holding two mochas, one waiting for Liam’s hands to take it. So he did, murmuring a quick ‘thank you’. He finally remembered that Zayn had asked him a question, so he decided to answer it. But when he looked at Zayn’s face and saw the boy’s warm and concerned eyes and lip in small pout, the words flew out of him without a control of his own.

 

“I just… I’m sick of pleasing everyone. I’m sick of taking care of everyone else, but myself. I never did anything for myself and it’s tiring. Because I’m not happy. And I want people around me to be happy, don’t get me wrong. I like seeing Louis happy and you happy and Niall happy, but I just can’t do it any longer. I want to worth something. I want my own happy ending. I just feel so fucking lost all the time and you’re not helping either. I hate that we just fuck around every few nights just because you feel like it. I hate that I always have to hide my feelings for you because you don’t feel the same. I hate that we’re not the ‘it’ couple. I just fucking want you more than in ‘I want to have sex with you’ way. Is that so much to ask for?” He couldn’t look at him anymore, so he focused his attention on mocha in his hands, taking a sip of it and trying not to think of the way Zayn’s eyes were piercing through him. Immediately as the words had left his mouth, he wished he didn’t say anything. He fucked everything up, probably for the first time in his life. And he hated it. He scared Zayn off. He’d yell at him now, tell him how stupid he was and everything that’d put Liam down. He wished he could cover his ears and close his eyes and block the world. But he couldn’t so he waited, staring at the floor.

 

“Liam…” Zayn whispered before the hand cupped Liam’s jaw. His eyes and head shoot up by the instinct and as soon as he did that, he couldn’t see anything but Zayn. Because Zayn got closer and their lips met and there was a familiarity to that kiss because they’ve been doing that a lot, but at the same time, it was an unexplored area. Zayn never kissed him like this. It was always just lust and want and need. But now there was something Liam couldn’t quite put his finger on. Or he could, he just couldn’t admit it – couldn’t believe it. He still kissed back, wrapping the arms around tanned boy’s neck and bringing their lips just a bit closer. Zayn moaned happily in his mouth and he took that as an encouragement to deepen the kiss, trailing a tongue against Zayn’s bottom lip. Their tongues meld and it was everything Liam ever needed. And he hoped this meant something. He hoped Zayn wasn’t about to tell him he was just a friend he liked to fuck. Maybe he didn’t quite believe it yet and maybe he was too eager to find out, but it was fine because Zayn’s lips were on his now, in a way they never were before. And that was enough for now.

*

Louis stood nervously in front of Harry, trying his hardest to swallow all the fears he was feeling at the moment – including the usual nerve-wracking feeling of performing and the new one, the one including Harry’s state. He wasn’t sure how he’d handle it, but he promised him he could come. And it wasn’t like Louis didn’t want him here because it was the opposite, but he was afraid something would happen to Harry while he was on stage and that thought was too much to handle.

 

“You’ll be fine, right? I’ll be coming backstage thrice, so I’ll have time to check up on you. But you have Zayn and Liam too, so they’ll probably know what to do if something happens.  Please, just… you’ll _be_ fine, right?” He was hysterical, he knew that much. And that simply annoyed Harry who rolled his eyes and put his hands on Louis’ shoulders.

 

“Louis, go. I’ll be fine, okay? I have my boys here and they’ll be able to help if I needed them, no matter how much they’re snogging right now.” That made Louis release a small chuckle and his eyes crinkled a bit what made Harry smile bigger and brighter. “Don’t worry, okay? Go up there and give them the show they’ll never forget. You can do that, love. Now go.” He kissed him hard one last time before letting go of him and pushing him towards the closed curtains. Louis smiled at him and then he was off.

 

Harry didn’t particularly enjoyed watching the two lovebirds making out but he was happy for them nonetheless. Even though Louis was completely mesmerizing to watch, he glanced at them a few times and that made him smile. And okay, maybe he missed Niall a bit and he was sad he couldn't be there as well but he hoped he'd get to see him in the morning. It seemed like everything worked out perfectly for them. He’d be off in the rehab tomorrow though but he guessed it was for the best. He’d get better and he’d be able to be with Louis properly, which was the only thing he wanted, if he was being completely honest. He wanted to be carefree and utterly happy. He missed those feelings and when he got the glimpse of them, he wanted it all. So yeah, rehab it was. Maybe he couldn’t see that it was for the better before, but Louis was there and Louis believed it was, so he started to believe so as well. It seemed a bit of cliché. And he really didn’t like clichés all the much, but if it meant being cliché with Louis, he was fine with it.

 

As he watched his boyfriend moving on stage and singing with all he had, he couldn’t help but to think that, yeah, he couldn’t have found anyone better. It was Louis he needed all along. It was Louis who needed to save him. And by just thinking about it, he realized that, no, saving and fixing wasn’t such a bad thing at all.


	17. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is the end! Like, literally, the end of the ends!! LIKE. I can't believe it honestly. It seems weird because I was writing this story since October and it's finally finished and wow this is really happening. So, I have quite a few things to say before I leave you with the epilogue.
> 
> First of all, I want to say a special, special thank you to one of the probably most amazing persons I've ever met, [Korina](http://archiveofourown.org/users/wastingtimebeinginlove). She was always there for me and was always assuring me that this isn't a bad story and she was there to point out stuff here and there that shall be fixed and I'm grateful to her lots and lots. I love you, hun!  
> And, of course, thank _you_ all for giving this story a chance and putting up with my slow updates and sticking out through the bad chapters and my antics. I do hope it was worth it!
> 
> Second, this story reached 50k words which is like the novel length and I don't even know how that happened but it did and I'm proud of it!
> 
> Third, I'm taking a full credit for the song used in the epilogue because I wrote it, so... Give it a try. I hope it's not bad. I gave my best. :)
> 
> Forth, tomorrow or on Saturday, I'll start posting the new story that's just as fucked up as this one, maybe even more. So I hope you'll give it a try. Chapters are quite longer and there is more... everything. I hope it won't disappoint.
> 
> And fifth, ENJOY THE EPILOGUE, BITCHES, I LOVE YOU ALL!!!!! (I'm sorry... not really eh). :D xx.

 

**6 months later**

 

 

“You ready, Mr Styles?” Harry looked at the woman in a nice, cocktail dress with bright, red lipstick and wide, assuring smile. She seemed good enough, even though that didn’t help to calm his nerves down at all. He nodded anyways because the delay wasn’t a question. It was ten past nine. Everything must start then and there. He took a deep, shaky breath and tried to get comfortable on the white sofa he was sitting on. He watched the woman as she put on the biggest smile she could manage (and if it looked more than a bit fake, Harry couldn’t say anything) and looked straight towards the camera.

 

 

 

“And we’re back again with the one and only, Harry Styles, ladies and gentlemen.” He smiled and waved at the camera, trying his best not to show how nerve-wracking he really felt. He turned his head towards the interviewer again. This felt weird. He hadn’t done the interview in such a long time and everything was almost unfamiliar. But then again, it also felt like some kind of déjà vu. He’d done hundreds of interviews before after all. Right now though, he was a changed man. And everything was just weird. He couldn’t put it better, no matter how hard he tried to find the words for it. “So, Harry, you’re back again with us!” She exclaimed and he whooped along with the audience with a fist up in the air. His scars could be seen. He didn’t care because he didn’t want to hide anything anymore. It was obvious interviewer’s eyes lingered on them. “Tell us then, Harry, who come you decided to get back to the music industry?” He bit his lip and tried to find a good answer. He didn’t really have one. He just did. And that was it. He still tried to come up with something better.

 

 

 

“Well, I don’t know really, to be quite honest. I always loved doing music, writing songs and every bit of it. It was always a part of me, even when I abounded it for a while. I’ve been doing it for too long just to let it go for the rest of my life. So that’s why I’m here again, I guess.” He offered a small smile, his hands resting on his knees, fingers tangled together. His nerves slowly started to fade away, the familiarity of the whole situation finally getting back.

 

 

 

Interviewer’s eyes softened before the next question and Harry knew what was coming. “I know this is probably hard for you, but would you mind explaining us what was happening with you in the last two years?” He stared at the floor, sucking in the silence that filled the studio. Everyone knew about his suicide attempt. Everyone knew about drugs, cutting, _everything_. But at the same time they knew nothing. They didn’t know reasons. They didn’t know when it all started. They only knew the basics and people demanded to know more. Believe him, he got that. He was curious himself and he wanted to know the whole truth for something most of the time. And even though it was triggering and he still wasn’t sure he could talk about it, he wanted to have this interview, just so they would all stop with speculations. Harry couldn’t handle it anymore.

 

 

 

“It’s fine.” He half-whispered. Once he lifted his eyes, the happiness was replaced with sadness and he wished he could mask it. But he was never good at masking his feelings so he wasn’t now as well. “I know that people want to know. I would too, if I was in their place. It’s, uh, well… I don’t even know how to start.” He took a short pause before continuing. “It all starts once you think your life has no sense anymore. It all starts once you’re so completely lost and you don’t know the better way out. And this one…  it seems easy, reckless, completely right sometimes. You think you’ll be able to stop whenever you want to, no matter how many stories you’ve heard of people dying because of drugs and… and cutting. It’s just, you start and you can’t stop anymore. And you’re not fine. You start to feel worse and worse day by day. But you keep convincing yourself that you’re better than fine, that you never felt better and that it’s all _splendid_ when it’s as far from it as it gets. You start changing. You start becoming angrier, more aggressive. You start pushing people away. And usually, those people will leave you. And then you feel alone and it’s the worse feeling you’ve ever experienced. But you don’t blame it on drugs. You blame it on those people because they didn’t stick around and accepted you. So you cut, thinking that the pain will go away – a pain of betrayal. And then you start cutting for everything that hurts a little bit more. And you start doing everything to get drugs. It doesn’t matter what it is. You know you need it, so you do whatever you’re asked to do.

 

 

 

There are still two people left and you think they’ll go away too, but they don’t. And they’re trying to reason you. They’re trying to fix you but you’re in a belief that you don’t need fixing. You believe that nobody can fix you. You don’t see the truth. You can’t because your mind is completely fucked up and it has its own belief. You’re stubborn and you don’t believe when your friends tell you that you need help.

 

 

 

And then, just like that, one day, that one person comes into your home with the same belief that your friends have. You don’t know them at all. You may have seen their face somewhere, but you don’t truly know them. And you hate that person because they’re as stubborn as you, as aggressive as you but still better than you in so many ways. You try to hate them and you try to show it to them that it’s really like that. You try to get them out of your life because you don’t need _saving_ and _fixing_ as they nicely put it together. But they don’t go. They don’t leave. They stay with you through everything. And then, things happen and before you know it, you’re in love with that person – that wonderful person that’s trying to save you. And you know you wouldn’t be here without them.  But then you’re starting to think that you’re ruining them too, so you run and you try to kill yourself because you _always ruin everything_. But they’re here again. They find you and they save you again, again and again. And you realize that you can’t run away from that person no matter how hard you try. You realize you don’t _want_ to run away. You want to be a better person just because of them. And once you realize that, it’s enough. It’s enough for you to keep going and to let that person fix you. Because they know how. They know everything you’ve went through. And it may surprise you because you think nobody can possibly understand you. But they do and when you see that, it’s everything you’ll need.” He finished, feeling the tears threating to fall down his cheeks. But he tried to hold them in the place, not wanting to show people just how emotional he was. He also wanted to smile because just the thought of Louis made him want to smile. But he was fighting with himself – with the tears and silence and sadness that have occupied the room. He could hear the woman’s shocked breath intake and see her wide, a bit terrified eyes. It took her few more seconds to compose herself, but her voice held a bit of uncertainty.

 

 

 

“That… that happened to you? That’s your story?” And maybe question was stupid and maybe it really didn’t make any sense because it was quite obvious. But Harry could also see that the woman was caught off guard, so he let it go. He wasn’t the one who will take such things so close to his heart.

 

 

 

“Yeah. Yeah it is.” He gulped and smiled a bit. The woman nodded and looked at the cards in her hands that Harry was sure weren’t helping so much. Somehow he was sure that the producers of a show weren’t excepting from Harry to have such a revelation, but the story would sell and it’d probably bring a lot of money to the show and whatnot (Harry really didn’t know how these stuff worked), so it was a win-win for everyone. He was sure producers weren’t about to complain.

 

 

 

The interviewer seemed to finally compose herself as she looked at Harry with a glint in her eyes. “So, can you maybe tell us the name of a person that succeeded in saving you or is that a secret?” See, the thing was, Harry and Louis didn’t really discuss anything about them coming out, even though they were more than ready. And Harry didn’t want to lie anymore. After they both ended up in the hospital at the same time those months ago, everyone had their own speculations. Most of them were ridiculous and Harry laughed when he read them, but there were a few of them that got close enough. He let himself blush then. He let the smile broke through his sad features and he let his eyes roam through the audience until he didn’t meet those blue eyes. And he didn’t need any gesture from Louis because he could all see it right there. He looked away quickly, though he doubted his action had gone unnoticed, at least with some people.

 

 

 

“Well, it has been a secret for a long time and… well, we don’t really want to keep it that way any longer I think. It’s, uhm, it’s Louis Tomlinson.” And he was smiling and looking at the floor because wow, he felt so completely embarrassed and weird because he never had to confess anything like this in his entire life. Saying this made him out of the closet as well and he felt the weird fluttering in his stomach just thinking of it. It was a good feeling. The gasps were heard all over the studio and the interviewer looked shell shocked. If he thought she was shocked before, he was wrong. Her mouth were closing and opening like a fish, trying to find a proper words to say.

 

 

 

“Louis Tomlinson? _The_ Louis Tomlinson?” He laughed. He actually laughed because it all sounded a bit ridiculous. He didn’t think it’d be so shocking, but then again, people were oblivious to a lot of stuff so Harry wasn’t that surprised. He smiled brightly and looked at Louis’ direction again who was giving him the smug smile that he wanted to kiss right off his face.

 

 

 

“I’m not sure there is another Louis Tomlinson I could talk about.” He bit his lip, not once unlocking his eyes from Louis’. Interviewer definitely noticed then, turning her head in the same direction as he. Once she saw Louis she looked even more confused, probably not expecting to see him in the audience. She looked unprepared to all the events happening and Harry found it incredibly amusing without even knowing why exactly.

 

 

 

“H-how long have you been together for?” She tried to get the interview back to its natural flow, but she was clearly taken aback with all the confessions made. And really, Harry didn’t blame her. She didn’t expect all of this to happen in her interview so it was kind of understandable. He looked at her again, even though taking his eyes away from the blue eyed boy was getting more and more difficult.

 

 

 

“I’d say six months. I mean, we were a bit together before, but I blew it up, so I usually don’t count it, to be honest.” He answered. He felt lightheaded and lightweight at the same time. It was relieving – being out, finally being out – and he wanted to keep this feeling forever. It felt good – feeling happy like this. But then again, he generally felt happy these days and he guessed that was good. Louis made him happy. Their friends made him happy. _Music_ made him happy once again. His life was finally getting in order. He spent three months in rehab and Louis managed to visit him once a month. It was a hard and terribly exhausting fight with his demons but he succeeded. He was completely clean for six months now and he felt proud of himself. He never dreamed of this – of his life finally getting in order. Not after he reached the bottom at least. But Louis made him believe. He saved him. And Harry was never more grateful for anything in his entire life. He was going back to the studio. He was getting back to his one true love and soon, he’d perform in front of the people again and he probably didn’t look forward to anything more. Expect from his life with Louis of course.

 

 

 

“That’s a while.” She smiled assuredly. It looked like she finally knew what to say and she didn’t look disgusted or anything similar and Harry took it as a good sign. “And you were together when you were in the rehab as well?”

 

 

 

“Yeah, he got to visit me once a month and we heard over the phone when we were allowed to so we made it work somehow. But now that I’m back we spend most of the time with each other. He lives in my apartment since the day he decided to help me so that just kind of gives us even more time together. We spend the time with our mutual friends a lot as well and everything seems really perfect at the moment.” He knew he sounded cheesy but he didn’t know how else to phrase the words so that they were true. So this seemed like the right thing to say, no matter how cliché it really was. But interviewer only grinned wider. Harry took that as a good sign.

 

 

 

“Well, I wish you all the luck in the world. You look like a really great couple and I think we should all thank Louis Tomlinson for getting you back on the track. We all missed you dearly.” And somehow Harry was glad that she wasn’t like the usual interviewers. She was sincere and honest and Harry liked that about her. He smiled back and nodded in appreciation.

 

 

 

“Thank you. And yeah… he’s definitely the one you should thank for that. I don’t think I would be here today if he wasn’t there through my worst.” He said, glancing at Louis once again. He couldn’t be sure, but it looked like his boyfriend had tears in his eyes, though he tried to hide them through the widest possible smile. He looked happy and pleased and proud so Harry was quite sure that, if they were there, they were tears of joy. Harry bit his lip to stop himself from jumping and hugging and kissing him senseless. The one thing was to come out and the other was to snog the boy in question on national TV. And besides, he wanted to keep their relationship as private as possible. They didn’t need to show it off nor did they want to.

 

 

 

“I hope you two have a wonderful and many years together, Harry. It was nice having you here and I’d like to chat with you some more, but unfortunately, we came to the end of our show. It was amazing you decided to tell us all of this and I believe that many speculations are a bit clearer now. One more time, ladies and gentlemen, this was Harry Styles and I’m Natalie Jenkins. I’ll see you next week!” The closing music has begun to play, the audience cheered and clapped, Harry and the Natalie woman shook hands and shared a hug and that was the end of the interview.

 

 

 

 

 

“You were so amazing!” Louis exclaimed when Harry finally went off the stage and hugged him so strongly that Harry found it hard to breathe. He didn’t complain though. He hugged Louis back, loving the way their bodies fit together. He lifted Louis a little off the ground and spun him around.

 

 

 

“We’re out.” He whispered softly into Louis’ ear who nuzzled his nose further into Harry’s neck. Harry could feel the older boy’s breath tickling it which only sent shivers down his spine.

 

 

 

“Yeah, we are. It feels great.” Louis was smiling and so was Harry. They stayed like that, embracing each other, holding each other tight because they wanted to keep this feeling forever. They didn’t want to forget it. Never. Because it felt good. It felt right and it was one of the best feelings that Harry had ever experienced. They could finally walk through the city streets holding each other’s hands, shout their love to the world and show just how much they mean to each other in front of everyone. Last three months were a bit difficult, having to keep it all under the covers because Louis’ management team thought it’d ruin his career. Harry’s new management team didn’t really care, so it all depended on them. But this time, Harry decided he didn’t want to hide anything anymore and Louis shared his opinion. No matter what happened, they’d get through it together. As long as they had one another, it’d be fine. Harry was sure of it.

 

 

 

Louis took a step back then, but his arms still firmly around Harry’s neck. He pecked him on the lips once and smiled – that sweet, loving smile that Harry adored so much was on his face again and Harry didn’t try to fight the one of his own. “It feels right.” He whispered only for Louis to hear and they both knew what he meant. Louis took his hand and walked them towards the exit.

 

 

 

“C’mon, let’s celebrate.” And Harry couldn’t believe that the boy that was holding his hand was truly his.

 

*

 

Harry’s hands were shaking as he took the headphones and put them on his head. He was nervous again. He hadn’t done this in so long and he was worried. What if he messed up? Okay, he could do it over again, but what if it was just not working and he couldn’t get back to one of the only things he loved to do? He shook his head, trying to get rid of those thoughts. Everything will be fine. He looked at the producer and Louis next to him through the glass that was keeping them apart.

 

 

 

“You ready?” The producer asked and he nodded. He took a deep breath and the backing track started playing. He closed his eyes. He could do this. Louis believed in him. Everyone believed he could do it, so he could. It’d all be fine. He opened his mouth and started singing the words he knew with his heart by now.

 

 

 

_‘Cause you were the saving_

 

_That I needed all along._

 

_You were the fix_

 

_That came when I needed it the most._

 

 

_The walls inside my head were so tall_

 

_And I wouldn’t believe the truth that I saw._

 

_You found me broken, bleeding on the floor,_

 

_But you never, no, you never gave up and let me fall._

 

 

_You were the light that was guiding me home_

 

_And once I was in your arms_

 

_I never wanted to let you go._

 

 

_My sanity, my fragility,_

 

_You wouldn’t let me lose it all._

 

_And you were always here, listening to me,_

 

_Saying strong when you were breaking inside with me._

 

 

_Oh, and everything was so clear_

 

_Once you kissed me_

 

_And I knew that I have to get back for you_

 

_Because you were the only bright thing my life._

 

 

_And I loved you from the very first day I met you_

 

_And I want this to last forever_

 

_And I want you to never give up on me_

 

_Because you’re my everything._


End file.
